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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow nephew to pick through my late parents things

99 replies

finlayargyle · 13/08/2016 20:41

Hello all.

Avid follower, 1st time poster.

Following a very messy family fall out regarding my parents will, I'm not very close to one brother. We've made amends that we're friendly but there's still a lot of hurt.

My parents left me their vinyl collection- loads of 60s and 70s singer-songwriter types. It has literally no monetary value. They left it to me as I had an interest and had my own vinyl collection.

Since they died and we cleared their house, the collection has stayed in my attic.

Tonight my brother's son (16) rang me to say he'd got turntable and was collecting vinyl. He said 'my dad told me to ring you as you took granny and grandads vinyl'.

I said no they left me it in their Will. I didn't give him much of a lift but I know he had been prompted by my brother and it was heading towards a situation whereby nephew wanted to look for records to take for himself.

Aibu that this isn't on?!

OP posts:
venys · 13/08/2016 22:39

Why don't you explain to the nephew that they were left to you in the will but he could come around one afternoon and you two could go through them and listen to them together. Could be an opportunity to bond and share with him. Maybe you could pass them on when you are finished with them?..I know grandchildren often dont really get thought about in wills but they feel a bit more keenly about possessions than adults.

Memoires · 13/08/2016 22:43

Some vinyl is worth a lot, and I bet he thinks that he'll find some treasures. My dh wanted a particular album which he'd had on vinyl in the early 70s, but which he'd lent to someone and never got back. When I tried to find a replacement for Xmas one year, I found the cheapest was £500 and that was nearly 10 years ago when no one wanted vinyl.

Don't let them anywhere near your collection.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 22:44

Your brother is trying make a point. Say No and then forget about it.

Your brother will not be happy until he has absolutely everything that your parents left, so dont worry yourself about it.

Oh and you should not have given up the role of executor, your parents asked you and DSis to do it for a reason, a very good reason from the sound of your brother. Sounds like they didnt trust him, and neither should you.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/08/2016 22:45

Always better to do the kind thing. You have an opportunity to make an impact on your nephew by being generous now. Do the unexpected. It will be fun for you seeing him enjoying them. Break the cycle with your db now. You don't need to be like him. Be the bigger person. This is your dps grandson. Do it!

BobbinThreadbare123 · 13/08/2016 22:51

Don't let him. My mum allowed one of my siblings to pick through my grandmother's jewellery 'early' and take what she wanted. She doesn't wear it and took the most valuable stuff. I did get some, and the value is not the issue, but that fact that she kicked off about being 'first' and did it in such a sly way. I don't even have any photos; she took all of those too. Despite not visiting our grandmother for years.....you get the picture. It doesn't make for a pleasant memory, and I dread my mother passing away and what my sister will be like then (got decades to build up resolve though!)

Shizzlestix · 13/08/2016 23:07

Yanbu, your brother's being a twat. CD of pics=nephew gets to look at the vinyl but can't take any-that would be my max offer.

StrictlyMumDancing · 13/08/2016 23:10

People underestimate the value of non-valuable items left in wills. I feel that if someone gifts you something, in a will or otherwise, it doesn't matter if you keep it gathering dust in a loft - you can say no to someone taking it or just object to someone wanting it. It shows their thought meant something to you.

Maybe in time OP would consider it, maybe OP wouldn't because of the nature of the request, but no YANBU OP.

Bogeyface · 13/08/2016 23:32

People underestimate the value of non-valuable items left in wills.

Totally agree.

My parents got me and DSis together to discuss their wills. They wanted to leave us both the same in terms of financial worth. My sister loves a picture they own that for years they thought was a worthless print but turned out to be a very valuable original watercolour (real Antiques Roadshow stuff!) so they were at pains to tell me that although she would get the picture, they had adjusted everything so that I would get a bigger amount of cash. Not bothered about the cash. DSis wasnt bothered about the worth, just the sentimental value.

They were shocked when we both wanted to know what they were doing with their books! There are several books that we remember from our childhoods that we both wanted. In the end we came to a compromise, and the same with the photos. Mum got quite cross that we werent taking it seriously until she realised that it wasnt their money that we cared about, but we would fight to the death over their wedding pictures! She was then quite moved to know that it was memories we treasure. As I say, we sorted it out between the two of us, and as I trust DSis and she trust me, I know that it will be ok.

ItsABanana · 14/08/2016 00:15

I couldn't bring myself to be so petty, sorry. You have a totally innocent 16 year old nephew ringing you, asking if he can have some vinyl as he has a turntable, it's presumably his hobby and you have lots, that by your own admission has stayed in the attic.
What good is it doing up there? I don't mean give the whole lot away. Obviously you'll want to keep some for memories. I don't see the harm in letting him have some though.
It would be getting used, and loved, and not just gathering dust in the attic.
The nephew has no bearing on the angst between what may or may not have gone on between you and your siblings. He's totally innocent.

DementedUnicorn · 14/08/2016 01:14

^ Banana has it spot on

SymphonyofShadows · 14/08/2016 01:17

I'm a collector and a lot of mine is in the loft as I just don't have the space. I'm worried that you could give something very valuable away without realising. The 'holy grail' of collecting for many of us is from the era you describe and isn't one of the more obvious artists.

scaryteacher · 14/08/2016 01:17

Leave them to him in your will if don't have dcs of your own that may want them.

chancesareabadthing · 14/08/2016 01:23

Definitely agree with other posts - get your dad or you to sort my photos out on CD or online, when I've checked they are all there the full vinyl collection is yours. Check for any truly valuable ones beforehand and whip them out.

FashionablyLate · 14/08/2016 01:58

It is cheeky for your brother to be suggesting that you might be giving away the records when they were bequeathed from your deceased parents. I would say 'yes, your grandparents have left me their records, but I've not been able to look through them yet. When I am able to, I will certainly bear you in mind if there are any for your collection. I'm sure you appreciate the sentimental value of the records to me which is why I would like to sort them myself'

MoonriseKingdom · 14/08/2016 04:09

I hope my lovely dad lives a good long life. If he were to one day leave me his vinyl collection it would have huge sentimental value to me. I can completely understand you not wanting to give them away, particularly given your brother's previous attitude. I would be concerned they are just looking to make some money - good condition first releases of classic LPs can be worth a lot of money.

ZebraOwl · 14/08/2016 04:53

YANBU

The records are yours. Your parents left them to you, not your DN, "D"B, or anyone else. You are not being selfish or a Dog-In-The-Manger, or anything of the kind by keeping something that holds sentimental value - & potentially more tangible value too.

Your brother seems to have behaved appallingly throughout, frankly, which can only have made dealing with the deaths & grieving process harder - I'm so sorry.

Could you & your sister approach him together about the books & photographs? Have you got a written agreement about the photos anywhere? As for the books, if they weren't left to anyone specifically I'd like to see him explain how they're "rightfully his".

My brother gave books of my mother's to my aunt when she asked for them. I expect she told him to ask me if I minded. Of course, he didn't, he simply gave them to her. I used to read & reread those books when I was feeling low, or stressed, or anxious, to give me a sense of connection to her (she died when I was 10). Reading another edition of the same books really isn't the same thing.

For some people, physical things are Just Things. For others they are an important way to feel connected to people they miss. Both ways of thinking are fine (until you hit extremes, of course) - and deserve to be respected (unless, clearly, they reach a point of being harmful, which a small record collection in the attic isn't!).

a8mint · 14/08/2016 05:26

Nothing like a will for breaking up families! Don't let the bad blood continue to the next generation. Stop being petty and let the boy look through them. Ever heard the expression 'dog in a manger' ? That's you that is!

SymphonyofShadows · 14/08/2016 11:48

I'm guessing that the responses are just because the items in question have no interest to those being so arsey. If they were antique coins, paintings or silver etc. would you be so keen that the OP gives it up?

SymphonyofShadows · 14/08/2016 11:50

finlay get it priced up

SmallBee · 14/08/2016 12:05

YANBU to be annoyed at your brother, but this sounds like a lovely chance to spend time enjoying something with your nephew.

Instead of going through your collection, which has sentimental value to you. Could you spend the day taking him round old record stores and buy him a few vinyls? You could turn it into a hobby and really get to know him.

CPtart · 14/08/2016 12:18

Did your parents leave your brother anything specifically for him too?

LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 14/08/2016 12:20

I'd get them valued if I were you. Vinyl is pretty collectable these days and Id want to know he wasn't going to sell them on.

snowy508601 · 14/08/2016 12:24

Do you really think your parents would hve wanted them all gathering dust in your attic, or some being enjoyed by their DGS?

ShelaghTurner · 14/08/2016 12:35

My vinyl collection is in the loft too. Doesn't mean I'd hand it out to anyone who came knocking. Especially when there was a good chance I wouldn't get it back.

Benedikte2 · 14/08/2016 12:53

The fact that one has stuff in the attic doesn't mean it has no value to you. Houses in the UK are generally quite small (smallest on average in Europe) without adequate storage (who ever has enough cupboards, anyway) . Stuff that isn't need everyday is often relegated to the attic for long term safe keeping and this OP obviously does place a sentimental value on the records. Hang onto it if you want it OP as it is yours by right. You have no idea whether nephew will continue his interest, anyway, or discard the stuff when he leaves home. If you are feeling generous and no one else closer to you is interested you could leave the collection to him when you die

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