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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to give him a lift, again?

79 replies

Runny · 13/08/2016 13:15

I can't work out if I'm in the right or not? My adult, 30 something brother is on the phone to either me or our parents most weekends since he split up with his GF, asking for lifts into town. To be fair my parents usually will give him a lift, but last week it was last minute, an hour before. Due to the late call DM and DF had already had a drink so couldn't oblige, so DM rang me asking me to take him (note how he ddidnt contact me directly). I said yes, then as I was about to leave he messaged me saying he was running late and could I go fifteen minutes later....

Now ive just had a message again. DM and DF are going out for lunch and won't be able to have a glass of wine if they take him. Instead of saying no, they have told him I will do it! I say it's not convenient and that I did it last week, DM then whinges that 'OK, I'll do it, I just have any wine with my lunch' making me feel guilty. DM won't say no to him, I think because he's entitled and self absorbed and she knows if she does a strop will ensue, so she tries to keep him sweet.

Now I don't mind giving lifts occasionally, but I think he takes the piss. He lives a fifteen to twenty minute walk from the town centre. A bus stop is right outside his house, and a taxi would cost him a tenner. AIBU to think he should stop expecting us to be cheufer service and use his legs or something? AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 13/08/2016 13:39

oh and every request for a lift "nope, busy/had a drink myself, you'll have to get the bus or walk." repeat over and over, every time your mum asks you to do it "is the little prince too good for the bus still? Nope, he can walk or get a taxi if he is too precious for the bus." Keep repeating, they'll stop asking you.

mrsfuzzy · 13/08/2016 13:39

mum won't change her ways, she's too worried he won't love her any more if she dares to speak up.it's a sad situation.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2016 13:42

YANBU. Stop sticking your hand in the crazy and feeling guilty because your mum chooses to enable him.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/08/2016 13:45

Send Dinosaurs message. Spot on. And then everyone knows where they stand.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 13/08/2016 13:45

So he has a car and can drive and has a bus stop and lives where there are taxis and can walk and it's 20 mins. Er no. YANBU.

Benedikte2 · 13/08/2016 13:50

You are doing him a favour by expecting him to grow up and be independent. Does he expect a lift home again.
What Adam does is up to her.
Not your circus, not your monkey.
Different in an emergency. Has he ever thought of going out and not drinking?
I expect as soon as he gets another gf he'll drop you all again.
What is it with some mothers who will do more for adult sons than their daughters?

DinosaursRoar · 13/08/2016 13:50

Agree your Mum is unlikely to change, but you can all stop joining in pretending her behaviour is sensible and normal. Keep pointing out to your Mum and your brother how rediculous his inability to walk 15 minutes or get on a bus is at his age. By not pointing out this is stupid and not what normal adults would ask their parents/siblings to do, you are allowing everyone to continue to pretend this is reasonable behaviour.

Benedikte2 · 13/08/2016 13:51

Damn auto correct
What DM does is up to her

BastardGoDarkly · 13/08/2016 13:51

Fuck that. You both need to stop enabling his entitled arse.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2016 13:52

Does
Not
Compute

JudyCoolibar · 13/08/2016 13:52

I never understand why people give in to spoilt behaviour like this for fear that the other person will have a strop. So what? Ignore them - or, better still, laugh at them. As for the fear that he won't come to see your parents so much - is that really such a loss?

MillionToOneChances · 13/08/2016 13:53

He lives a fifteen to twenty minute walk from the town centre.

YANBU! How long does it take you to fetch him, drop him off and get home?! He needs to grow up.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 13/08/2016 13:54

My parents are still doing this with two of my sisters and they are both in their 40's. It doesn't stop if you choose not to play along, from my experience. However, it will cease to be your problem. what your mother does is her problem.
Start by refusing to take messages. When your mum says "DB wants to know if..." tell her that he can call you himself because passing messages is fine for primary school but not the way adults communicate. My sisters gave up wanting anything from me once they had to ask me direct. They also haven't really spoken to me for 15 years, but passing messages isn't speaking anyway so I don't care.
The one thing I would warn you about is that sometimes the person who wants to break the pattern can be left on the outside while the rest of the family mutter together about how awful they are. Only you can decide what the risk of this is and if you care anyway.

DeathStare · 13/08/2016 13:54

Practice saying what Dinosaur said

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 13/08/2016 13:55

He has a car. There is a bus stop outside his house. It's a 15-20 minutes walk from the town centre.

You couldn't make this up, could you....?

Justaboy · 13/08/2016 13:56

What a wally.

Next time say you've packed the Taxi business in and give him another firms number;)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2016 13:57

YADNBU. And your mother is enabling him to be a selfish entitled little prick, so good luck to his next GF, assuming he'll get another one!!

Original poster
Runny · 13/08/2016 13:58

I wish it was a wind up, Mummaah

He doesn't expect a lift home now, no. Not sure how he gets home actually. I assume he walks, he won't pay the extorniate £10 for a tax.

When we were teens and going out I actually asked my DM why she would go and pick him up late and night and not me. Her exact words were, 'well you know what young lads are like. When they are drunk late at night they are more likely to get into fights'. Yes mum, and girls are more likely to get raped or bloody murdered, and even sometimes get into fights as well.

There is definitely an element of the whole 'Your sons your son till he takes wife' thinking with my DM. He was extremeley close to his ex girlfriends family, spent most of his time with them and I think it rattled her a bit. He stil keeps in touch with them despite the split.

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 13/08/2016 14:04

He is a manchild....and DM is enabling this behaviour.

He's 30 FFS, tell him to walk, use public transport or even better order a taxi!

You also need to send that suggested text message to your mum... If she decides not to drink...then more fool her!

WizardOfToss · 13/08/2016 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Runny · 13/08/2016 14:06

I've suggested the taxi idea to DM many times. I always get my head bitten off.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/08/2016 14:08

I pity his future wife

Your mother has ruined him

AnyFucker · 13/08/2016 14:08

Sorry, scratch that... your parents have ruined him

WizardOfToss · 13/08/2016 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SestraClone · 13/08/2016 14:12

You have a DM problem.