AIBU to decline to sponsor a head-shaving to raise money for a cancer charity?

[erinaceus]

An acquaintance requested sponsorship to shave their head to raise money for a cancer charity.

I feel vaguely uneasy about this, and almost repulsed. It strikes me as in massively poor taste. I do not plan to mention my disapproval, but I almost feel moved to make a separate donation to the cancer charity, which of course I can go ahead and do. However the strength of my emotional reaction came as a bit of a shock to me - it's not as if I lost my own hair to chemotherapy or know anyone close to me who did.

I typically sponsor people for things, as long as it is a cause I support - this is my choice and I know that not everyone likes to sponsor people, which I think is totally fine. This one, however, just feels wrong to me.

I have no plans to say anything to the person who asked for sponsorship - I do not know them that well. I was more trying to understand whether in general this is seen as someone raising funds by being a good sport or whether other people see it as a fundraising exercise that misses the mark.

I think the whole campaign is in massively bad taste.
TBH I would think less of someone who participated, it's a form of showing off their "sacrifice" for charity.
When I first saw an ad about this campaign I was first shocked and then really upset.

I've had cancer.
My hair came out in handfuls, washing it was SO upsetting.
When you're actually loosing your hair due to cancer it is horrible; emotional, stressful, worrying. The reality is that most people don't acknowledge the hair loss because they don't know what to say or how to react, some avoid you for the same reasons.

sash, both of the people I know who braved the shave, donated their hair to the same place. My brother also donates his hair every 18 months as it grows ridiculously fast and is lovely. He doesn't publicise it though, just does it quietly.

I prefer to sponsor someone doing something. Litter pick, gardening, fixing stuff, etc. Not leisure pursuits like running.

A colleague has shaved her head for charity yesterday. I think it's nice as she's donated the hair to the Little Princess Trust as well as raising money for cancer research. I utterly abhor sponsoring people for something from their bucket list painted as scary, e.g a sky dive.

I seem to think on the previous thread about this a lot of people who had been in the position of having cancer or having a relative with cancer were very scathing about Macmillan both for doing this campaign and for how they behave generally. It was quite eyeopening.

I agree with you Op. The first time I heard of it it made me feel very uneasy. I think if it was someone I'd normally sponsor and a cause I'd usually support I'd still sponsor them but I don't like the campaign.

It somehow seems like people think it's fun to "play" at having cancer. It is attention seeking imo and others do assume, when seeing a bald woman, that she's been having treatment.

I'm not articulating it well but it does make me squirm a bit.

I agree with Stripey and other posters. It doesn't sit right with me either. Not at all. I had 8 doses of chemotheraphy and lost all my hair/eyebrows/eyelashes. It is so distressing, something you can't understand unless unfortunately you experience it. It disn't grow back the same, at least with shaving your head, you know it will. I wish head shaving had never started. It upsets me. There are so many other things you can do to support cancer charities, it doesn't have to be something seen to be making a sacrifice and making a big statement. It's wonderful people are trying to help and anyone who has had cancer will really appreciate that but I feel head shaving is misguided and distasteful.

I don't like it either.

It smacks of "look at me...this is what I would look like if my hair fell out due to cancer"

It's attention seeking and guilt tripping. I have more respect for people who quietly support the causes they believe in on an ongoing basis. I am sure many of the head shavers/fun runners also do that but I suspect lots do not.

My friend is currently going through this, her hair is falling out in handfuls after her first chemo (5 to go) and is looking at wigs
I feel loads of people in good health mimicking a symptom of the disease is actually in bad taste tbh, loads of things you can do if you want sponsoring but just...not this

I feel the same as you op.
I watched a video of a 12 year old girl having hers shaved for charity. There were about 50 adults around her cheering her on and shouting. It felt like she had no choice.
If people just did it then that's fine. It's seeing it as a spectacle that I feel is particularly poor taste.
Can't people just donate? Without all the song and dance?

Do what you like. Sponsor, don't sponsor. It's your money.

FWIW I shaved my head a few months back for Brave the Shave. People were incredibly generous, I raised a few hundred quid. But I didn't expect anyone to donate. I was surprised I raised as much as I did tbh.

This is genuinely the first I've heard of people having issues with it and I'm sorry if it upsets anyone. But I absolutely didn't do it to seek attention, I absolutely was not "playing at cancer". I did it to try and send a few quid Macmillan's way because I was so appreciative of the help we had from Macmillan nurses before my grandad passed away.

(But then there are other fundraising campaigns that I have issues with. I hate the whole "pinkification" around breast cancer, for instance.)

Oh, and I didn't do it publicly, didn't film it - I just too a photo as proof. I didn't make a big spectacle of it.

sashh surely that's only the case (re Macmillan taking from LPT) if your hair is long enough to donate in the first place though? Mine wouldn't have been, I can't even imagine how long it would take to grow your hair to 30cm if it's short to begin with.

I don't like it.
Although that is partly because Macmillan is an awful charity where very little money donated actually goes to the cause and most so called Macmillan nurses are paid for by the NHS after the first two years...

I agree it's attention-seeking but if it raises funds, then does it really matter? I don't feel those who do it are trying to play at having cancer. To me, it shows solidarity. Like other posters, I found losing my hair very upsetting. At first it came out in handfuls, on the pillow or if I ran my fingers through my hair. I lost about half that way but it still looked almost the same, just thinner. Then one day the rest came out all at once, it was just falling everywhere so I went into the bathroom and rinsed my head with the shower until it was all gone. I felt quite shocked. DH cleared it all out of the bath for me and we both cried. I think there should be as many ways as possible to raise money for the research, and this campaign speaks to some people. There's too much squeamishness about it imo.

I'm torn on the head shaving but wanted to reply about the comments about running as a leisure pursuit. Following a sexual assault my mental and physical health declined I had PTSD and gained about 4 stone in a year. I started running on the advice of my therapist and it helped massively. I decided to push myself and signed up for a long race asking for sponsorship to Rape Crisis. I cannot tell you how cathartic that run was. I was reclaiming my body back. I was using my body how I saw fit to help empowers others who had been through the same. I guess it's personal for everyone but it meant so much to me and I raised a few hundred quid for a brilliant cause.

On the other hand I do get super pissed when colleagues look for sponsership for what is basically a holiday especially when the costs need covered. I've seen people ask for money to walk the Great Wall of China or to spend a week on a wildlife reserve. How about you sponser me to get a massage and mudbath? Cheeky gits.

I sponsored a group of 10 local kids (aged around 10ish) that all shaved their heads for a cancer charity (ok they were all boys and looked like they regularly got No1 haircuts anyways so it wasn't really a big deal for them), because it was great they were making the effort to do something good.

Same as pp, I avoid funding sponsoring other peoples dream holidays/challenges regardless of the charity. Why is it always the Great Wall of China?

Thank you everyone who has posted.

To those of you who experienced cancer - I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to lose, as you say, a piece of your identity when you are already so ill. I wish you health and happiness.

This AIBU has been interesting to me, to hear all your opinions. Thank you to everyone for posting, and to cancer sufferers and their loved ones everywhere.

OK - here's my perspective, having been through chemo and lost my hair.
It makes me uncomfortable - while I appreciate people do it with the best intentions.

Shaving your head is NOT like losing your hair to chemo. In no way.

When you lose your hair to chemo, you have no choice, it's not just the loss of hair, it's the loss of control, the loss of confidence in your body, when your hair eventually grows back, it is not the same - it looks different and feels different.

Losing you hair to cancer treatment hurts - your head hurts where the hair has come out.

If people are going to shave their heads in sympathy the also need to shave their eyebrows, pluck out their lashes, shave all their body hair off, and then somehow make their skin go all papery and weird. Add in runny eyes, nose bleeds (oh yes - pluck out your nose hair too) endless diarrhoea and feeling like you've been hit by a truck for months on end.
And the knowledge that you may die of the treatment rather than the illness.

I could go on but you get my gist.

losing your head hair is the most visible sign of chemo (although not all chemo makes you lose your hair) but it's not the worse side effect of cancer treatment (in a choice between horrid stuff and horrider stuff)

I think cancer patients sometimes get irritated by this kind of thing because it somehow dismisses your experience. Cancer isn't a chance to try out a new hair do and wear some snazzy hats, and to reduce it to that is insulting. It is a physically nasty and mentally devastating and frightening disease, you are never the same afterwards. It truly sucks. And it kills people.

Give your hair to Little Princesses for wigs - that's a good thing, but just do it, don't broadcast it, don't say 'look at me. I've shaved my head, now I know what it's like to have cancer' No you don't. You really really don't.

I don't want to sound self pitying, I'm not - I am well for now and very lucky, but I have lost some truly wonderful friends to this illness. Most of the people who have had cancer that I talk to about this kind of sponsorship are uncomfortable with it, we just want a bit of real discussion and understanding about what chemo and cancer means to patients and families.

Cancer treatment is much more than chemo and hair loss - it's rads and surgery, sometimes multiple surgeries, and loads of other things. That's good - anything we can throw at this illness is good. But none of them are fun

So shaving your head? - No, not from my point of view.

It doesn't increase awareness of the many illnesses that make up cancer, it just increases awareness of the person doing it, and brings them a lot of 'your so brave' remarks. Most cancer patients I know hate being told they are brave - it's more a case of trying to deal with the shit life has thrown at you - there's no choice in it.

I think it is an ill thought out patronising campain i think macmillian have really over stepped with this however I think the people who do it are doing it from a kind place but i am not really comfortable with bravetheshave at all. It is up to you if you want to sponsor or not but I can see why you wouldt want to.

I haven't read the full thread-am making the tea and checking mumsnet in between jobs-but as others have said its a McMillan campaign. My neighbours doing it and donating her hair. Two charities benefit, and I know more about both charities from speaking to her. I have hip length hair and considering donating half the length to make wigs but I could never shave my head, I think much more of my neighbour now even though she's a bit shouty at her kids

kurri - thank you, you have just summed up why I don't like this campaign! Cancer is by no means just hair loss, as you said, for me it was one of the least awful bits of the whole experience. People have no idea unless they've been there.
My own mum, who was hugely supportive when I was going through treatment, just didn't understand the long term effects post treatment until she read an article in Good Housekeeping of all place!

Kurri...you put it much be

Better than I

Thanks Kurri, for putting it into words.

When my DD donated her luscious red locks to the Little Princess Trust, she did it without being public about it. Her Granda was going through chemo and had lost his hair, and she at age 8 was desperate to do something ...don't worry, think about all the money I'll save in combs he said to her at the time...I'm in tears thinking about it, he was a fantastic FIL/dad/granda.

to anyone affected