to not want everyone to know what i used to do?

[user1471021173]

It probably sounds silly. I used to work in a different field but something horrible happened and it really knocked my confidence.

I mostly work for my husband's business but also work a little outside of this, just weekends every now and again when he's away. Most of the people I work with are lovely but the one thing that drives me crazy is that I am known as "the (thing I used to do.)"

AIBU to get fed up of this? I don't tell them by the way - must have just picked it up ...

Sorry you've had such a horrible experience. I understand why you are frustrated that you seem to be known in the company as 'the Xxx'.

I'm generally a polite person but sometimes a brief but hard stare, chilly flash of smile and immediate change of subject can work wonders.

You owe no one an explanation and it's not relevant to your life now. If someone likes to keep referring to you as 'the xxx' tell them not to.

What you went through is traumatic but to stop being reminded of it it sounds like you have to be blunt to get it through to them.

Snow's and other PPs' suggestions are good, too. Social swerving :)

Not to drag your husband into it but if its his business and these people work for him and they are clearly upsetting his wife, then I would get him as their boss to discuss this with them and tell them to stop upsetting staff immediately.

I think this is the other work not DH's business?

I'm so sorry you've had a rough time op. I totally get what you're saying. Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you've had some awful blows in life.

My dad had a similar situation (but without any leaving under a cloud etc). He was a fairly high-ranking officer in the army, then he was made redundant and ran a café for a while. People would ask "Weren't you X in the army?" or worse, call him by his military rank. He always just said "Not any more, that was a different life. Would you like tea with that?" or some other distraction.
He did find it grating that some people clung to his old identity, and he didn't feel that he had been treated entirely fairly when he left, so I suppose it was something he wanted to move on from too. It might just be that you need to give it time, or that people are trying to "place" you or find some sort of common ground.

I feel for u!
I do think u need to own this horrible depressing time of life. All experiences good and bad make us the person we are today. Counselling would really help u to desensitise from what they are saying. Someone once told me to take the emotions out of a situation and then deal with it. Hugs xxx

the thing is, I don't want to talk about it :) I don't want counselling.

it was not in any way a "big" event except in the context of my own life, it was not in the news, it was not publicised, it wasn't important other than for me.

yet people insist on going on about it!!

OP I can sense your pain and distress but to be realistic you have only two options.

1. Tell people you don't want to go there any more and to please stop talking about it or
2. Just put up with it until it dies a natural death, people forget or leave etc. You have every right to feel as you do but that won't alter other people's behaviour unless something is done about it. Do you have one person you can confide in (not necessarily all the details) about how you feel who can approach the others and ask them to forget about your former career?

If your new job is more regular daytime hours, could you just say that you got fed up with the shift work, or having to work on Bank Holidays?

OP I get where you're coming from. I have had similar to you.I was a doctor but am finally doing something that makes me much happier. People can't seem to understand why I would be happy with the drop in earning potential and perceived drop in status. I get fewer comments than I used to (6 years on!) and I find that stating that medicine was bad for my mental health is the perfect way to shut down any unwanted prying!

You may not want to talk about it but you can't stop others mentioning it. You have to find a way to deal with the fact that they will mention it that causes you the least distress whilst deflecting them. The reality is you will have to talk about it on a very superficial level otherwise people will get more curious not less ( look at the amount of fishing for info on this thread because you didn't say what your former role was).

I just want to add. I am not being holier than thou about the fishing on this thread. I am equally curious about what you used to do. However, I joined the thread after you had explained why you didn't want to say so I know I would be unreasonable to ask. Your mental health trumps my nosiness. But I do understand why people wanted to know.

OP I understand what you mean. Coming up on 2 years since my DH died, I still get referred to as 'the widow'. And whilst that's different to being referred to as your former profession, I think the feeling it evokes in you sounds similar. Because of the way that job ended for you, it perhaps feels like they're referencing you by the worst thing that ever happened to you, rather than who you actually are (your name)? And brings up thoughts that you don't want to focus on right then.

I guess what I'd say is that after coming up on 2 years, it is lessening. I've had a few bitchy school gate parents still say things like 'this is Somer, the widow' when, say, introducing me to a new parent. But it is decreasing, and that's with not really correcting people. (Because it is factually true, and frankly the times it really upsets me I then don't have much fight in me.)

The worse time recently was when my boyfriend put a photo he'd taken of me on FB and someone commented 'is this the widow?'. (He was mortified, and unfriended them of course.)

I think in your situation I would come up with a slightly jokey stock phrase and say that every time. To stop from having to try to come up with any other response. I didn't do that over the widow thing, but I did over a few other insensitive remarks that kept coming up over and over again. My grief counsellor suggested it, and I practised saying them until I could do it with a smirk. I've taught my DS to do that too, when he was being bullied for his dad having died. (Yes, that really happened )

I can see why- say, for example, you're the nurse who was wrongly accused of tampering with drips and killing patients in the north- it was well publicised, you'll have been known locally.

Incredibly rude and insensitive for anyone to bring it up.

Calling someone "the widow" is awful! At least the job name they probably don't realise the connotations but "widow" is someone who has definitely been through pain. Awful people!

Just a foot note before someone says some people are relieved when their husband dies as they abused etc, they too have been through pain and probably don't want to be referred to as attached to that person.