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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want everyone to know what i used to do?

92 replies

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:05

It probably sounds silly. I used to work in a different field but something horrible happened and it really knocked my confidence.

I mostly work for my husband's business but also work a little outside of this, just weekends every now and again when he's away. Most of the people I work with are lovely but the one thing that drives me crazy is that I am known as "the (thing I used to do.)"

AIBU to get fed up of this? I don't tell them by the way - must have just picked it up ...

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 19:16

what I used to do is not what the thread is about but let's for arguments sake say I was a doctor.

Since there are a lot of part time workers and high staff turnover I meet people on a regular basis.

"Oh hi, I'm Anna."
"Oh, were you the doctor?"

"Oh you're the doctor!"
"How come you're not a doctor?"
"Well, Anna's a doctor."
"Ha ha you're such a doctor."

And every time it's upsetting to me. I can't post what I used to do as I got a big payout and there could be legal repercussions. I don't think it's relevant anyway.

OP posts:
redexpat · 12/08/2016 19:17

I can see why you're upset by this. Does your line manager know what happened? Would they be sympathetic? Would they tell her firmly to stop referring to you in this way?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/08/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 19:20

I think it's because it makes me feel like a stranger. When I was nine, we moved to France and I quickly adapted to the French language, but right up until we moved back to England when I was fourteen, everyone referred to me as "the English girl" which made me feel similar, like an intruder or an outsider.

By endlessly referring to me as "the doctor" it makes me feel they don't see me as one of them - as someone from the outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 19:21

I didn't say most people I meet. I said people at work, at my new job, although it's not that new now so really they should be more than used to it.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/08/2016 19:21

I think its just the novelty of it and curiosity, it will wear off eventually but you could just tell them its a touchy subject and could they not ask about it. If they keep going on then they would be really rude!

DeathStare · 12/08/2016 19:21
Flowers

OP you just need to make your reply and your reaction both consistent and dull and people will just drop it in time. Honestly. People lose interest when they realise that it's a non-event.

Seriously practice at home. Have some lines ready. Give them a dull, meaningless answer and then move them on to something else.

If they actually say "Anna's a doctor" or "Oh you're such a doctor" just say "No I'm not" or "Not any more" and then change the topic.

Original poster
user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 19:24

I have death! I honestly didn't think it would still be an issue over a year later, and to be fair most people aren't bothered but it's I suppose an identifying thing - "oh you're the one with identical twin girls / oh you're the doctor" sort of thing? I appreciate no one means any harm but honestly I want to forget my former career ever happened!

OP posts:
PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 12/08/2016 19:26

Flowers OP - it sounds like you have had a very tough time of things. I hope you have some RL support.

So in response to the questions that you've used as an illustration in your latest post:

You used to be a Doctor
Yes, and now I'm an X. How was your weekend?

Why did you stop
I fancied a career change. Want a cup of tea?

Oh you're the Doctor
Not any more - I'm an X now. How's things with you?

Answer each question briefly, then smile nicely and change the subject. Don't explain, don't elaborate, don't make a big deal of it, don't give any kind of emotional response. Just keep being very matter of fact and then shut the conversation down by choosing a different subject. Do this consistently again and again and again.

Think of it like training - you are training people out of talking about this by giving them nothing to go on. Eventually they will get bored and the subject will no longer be of interest to them because they will find something else to talk about.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/08/2016 19:30

To them it's an opening gambit in a conversation or idle curiousity nothing more. To you it's far more significant and a painful reminder of a dark time.
I agree you need to find a way to respond that deflects them or sounds a bit dull. Using my profession as an example - if I was to stop working as a lawyer and take a step down - I might say something like "I got sick of the ridiculous hours, I like to know I will be able to leave work at 6pm most evenings"

wigglesrock · 12/08/2016 19:30

I think I know what you mean - I used to have a completely different job, worked in a very different environment. I had a very difficult couple of years with depression, work treated me terribly, I stopped working for a while. When I felt "steadier" I did something completely different, something "simpler", I was better able to cope. I didn't want to talk about my old job, I didn't want to chat about "oh look how times have changed", "didn't you used to work there, be a truck driver for example.

I just wanted to get on, be who I was now and forget about it. It was more the associated experiences as opposed to the actual job but it was fucking irritating if general chit chat in the tea room led to a rehash of why I left.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/08/2016 19:32

It does sound like your quite traumatised still. Have you tried posting in the mh board? It might help to talk about what happened, even a year on.

NuffSaidSam · 12/08/2016 19:35

I think if people are still that interested and still asking all this time later they must know that there is something of a story to be had. Does anyone there know the details of what happened? Could they have told other people?

If that is the case then constantly avoiding it might not work, you might just need to say that yes you were, you left because you were treated badly and that there is a court order preventing you from talking about it.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 12/08/2016 19:39

You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. Just say that you wanted a change of direction. The reasons behind your decision are none of their business.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 12/08/2016 19:40

OP I don't want to sound patronising and it sounds like you've had a hell of a time, but do you think it might help you to have some counselling (or more/different if you already do) to enable you to feel less affected when people refer to your former career? Other than that, perhaps you'll find it happens less frequently in say another year's time.

user1466795981 · 12/08/2016 19:42

YANBU.

I would never ask a person, even a close friend "Why did you leave?" What is wrong with people??!!

Ghanagirl · 12/08/2016 19:42

Why can't you just say what you did?
Mumsnet is anonymous so your post seems like you're attention seeking

YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/08/2016 19:45

I was a sword swallower (nope that is not made up) and as you can imagine, that gets brought up a lot with negative or seedy connotations. Mainly by men, or I get a woman bringing it up in front of a large group of men (sometimes drunk strangers on a night out) just to amuse themselves at the reactions.

I don't regret learning how to swallow swords etc. And I never did anything TV worthy, just one basic blunt blade. Nothing huge or dangerous but the "you can swallow my sword" or "no gag reflex eh" with a wink really makes my skin crawl.

Sometimes I just say nope and walk away. Or if it's a seedy guy I make a very public and embarrassing rejection.

I suggest replying with "I don't talk about it" and walking away from them if they try to. If anyone shouts "doctor" (for example) expecting a reply then totally ignore them, it's not your name.

Benedikte2 · 12/08/2016 19:48

OP The only way to stop your colleagues introducing you this way is to sit down with them over coffee and cake and tell them just as you've told us. Don't have to tell them more than you choose but enough to say why you want to move on, that you've closed that chapter of your life and can you rely on them to forget about it too because it will be a big help to you.
Good Luck

Snowwhitequeen · 12/08/2016 19:54

That makes more sense now OP that others have filled in the blanks - your old career is reminding you of a horribly painful time. Flowers for you.

To give you some advice, a smooth change of subject helps. People often like to talk about themselves so:

Them being chatty: weren't you a xxxx?
You: Yes but now I'm a xxxx. How are you funding your job / being a parent / retirement etc.

Them being thoughtless : you're such a xxxx / haha you're an xxxx / other examples you gave
You: Raise an eyebrow and give them a Paddington Bear 'hard stare' and say 'yes well, moving on' then bluntly change the subject.

Hope that helps.

Snowwhitequeen · 12/08/2016 19:56

finding not funding!

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2016 19:56

To a certain extent I understand why you don't want to say. I held a govt position that would get a lot of flack and shit about 'lazy civil servants', 'fat cats', etc, so I lied or said 'if I told you my job I'd have to kill you'.

Doesn't matter what the job was. Just look at the person and say "XXX was what I did, (your name) is who I am. Please call me (your name). "

Piglet208 · 12/08/2016 20:06

I am sorry that you went through such a hard time. It explains why you get so upset. Maybe you could practise a line that is polite, lighthearted but dismissive so people don't pursue the conversation. I would hope that the people who bring it up don't know about the history because it seems very insensitive in the circumstances.

IwannaSnorlax · 12/08/2016 20:06

I feel for you Op as it sounds like a terrible time in your life & I don't blame you for not wanting to be reminded of anything to do with it.

I think Paul's suggested responses are good, so practise those if you can.

In addition, I do think some form of counselling would help - to get over the previous trauma & also to help with mental resilience to deal with the comments.

Good luck.

GarlicMistake · 12/08/2016 20:07

I agree with Benedikte - the most straightforward way to deal with your colleagues is by telling them that part of your life has very bad memories and you don't want to hear it anymore.

To a lot of people, many jobs sound super-glamorous, and in a way they are. Quite often, the more 'glamorous' careers carry a high risk of personal abuse: modelling, TV work, in fact most media-related fields. Also medicine and a whole bunch of other areas. So it's exciting to know someone who was, for instance, a TV presenter. Most people would want to hear about it - and be curious about why anyone would leave what seems to be such a shiny life. Unless you disabuse them of their glitter-infested assumptions, this is going to continue because it's perfectly normal human behaviour. They think they're complimenting your interestingness! (I know that's a made-up word.)

It feels like you might be scared of showing vulnerability by saying it was a bad experience. You would be, of course, but I'm sure you know that anybody who then pushed you for more info or rubbed it in deserves very short shrift. If they carry on, they're a bully - and if there's anything we survivors need to know, it's who the bullies are!

It might be worth seeking a bit more counselling if the very thought still makes you feel scared.

All the besy.

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