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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want everyone to know what i used to do?

92 replies

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:05

It probably sounds silly. I used to work in a different field but something horrible happened and it really knocked my confidence.

I mostly work for my husband's business but also work a little outside of this, just weekends every now and again when he's away. Most of the people I work with are lovely but the one thing that drives me crazy is that I am known as "the (thing I used to do.)"

AIBU to get fed up of this? I don't tell them by the way - must have just picked it up ...

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 12/08/2016 18:47

Were you a doctor??

I know someone who was and people are always surprised she left such a "prestigious" career.

Original poster

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:47

they don't, someone has obviously said 'oh she used to be a train driver' or whatever. it's a 'chatty' work place :)

OP posts:

excessiveparanoidNNchanger · 12/08/2016 18:48

Hooker??

Snowwhitequeen · 12/08/2016 18:48

You just need to tell them, they likely don't even realise, and once they do if you deliver it right, they'll not make that mistake again. Do these people know about the situation? I'm guessing yes. If not, then you can't blame them at all.

If they are directly referring to a horrible situation like 'didn't you deal with the X murder / accidentally kill a patient / get shot by a criminal' then obviously be much more blunt.

A simple 'I don't like to talk about that part of my life' should suffice.

I get your annoyance, I've had some really blunt remarks made to me and am usually too shocked to respond, but if it happens a lot, you need to have a ready response.

Original poster

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:48

no wips but the job is a massive stepdown in many ways, so I guess people ask questions for this reason. I probably sound precious it's just I left as I wanted a different life.

OP posts:

Snowwhitequeen · 12/08/2016 18:49

If they don't know a thing about the horrible situation other than your previous career though, YABU...they're not mind readers.

Original poster

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:50

can I please just make it clear that I didn't do anything noteworthy. It was a fairly prestigious and well paid career, and it ended with me trying to hang myself, can you just remember that or do you still think saying I was a sex worker is funny?

anyway signing off now as it's upset me just talking about it here :(

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471021173 · 12/08/2016 18:51

I get that snow white, I just wish people could let me be who I am today, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

allthatnonsense · 12/08/2016 18:52

OurBlanche

Made me chuckle so much.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/08/2016 18:53

Could you say you found it stressful and effected your mental well being so you decided to take a step back?

When I talk about my depression it tends to shut people up rather than ask more questions but phasing it like that it doesn't sound like you fell to far down the rabbit hole so hopefully would prevent whispers of "oh they had a breakdown"

(I have had suicidal points in my life from 14 to present and it is that last thing you feel you can/want to talk about to anybody but those closest to you if at all)

couldntlovethebearmore · 12/08/2016 18:53

Just say yes and if they want to know why say you fancied a career change. It's as simple as that.
I used to be a princess and now I'm a unicorn, I get it all the time

Primaryteach87 · 12/08/2016 18:54

The OP has already said she was a social worker and was false my accused, attempted suicide before her name was cleared fully. You can stop speculating!

OP, sounds like a really stressful unhappy time. could you be suffering from PTSD and these comments are triggering for you?
I understand completely where you are coming from but it's hard for other people to understand how upsetting it is for you. You could either ignore or try to explain in some way that you really would rather they didn't refer to it as it was a very stressful time.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/08/2016 18:54

I think some people have posted without reading your post about what happened so try not to take it to heart x

Waltermittythesequel · 12/08/2016 18:57

Are you sensitive to it because of what happened do you think?

Because as much as you're not your job anymore, I'm not sure it's intrusive for someone to use it as a quick, handy way to describe you!

You don't have to explain why you left at all. It's nobody's business.

"Oh, you're the social worker?"

"Not anymore."

Done!

pussinasda · 12/08/2016 18:58

im sorry your getting upset op but you should know you cant start a thread with only half the info and not expect ppl to try and guess unless your new to mn

yorkshapudding · 12/08/2016 18:58

OP didn't say she was a social worker. That was another poster.

Grittyshunts · 12/08/2016 18:59

YANBU you clearly went through a really shitty time and people asking about or referring to your "past life" brings back bad memories. I hope people stop referring to you as "the......" I'm sure they will eventually. In the meantime you're still here and that's the best thing ever. for you OP XX

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/08/2016 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noonesfool · 12/08/2016 19:04

"No" is a complete sentence OP:

"You're the XXX"

"No"

Shut it down, don't get drawn in.

yorkshapudding · 12/08/2016 19:06

OP I don't think people are meaning to be insensitive. People are bound to speculate as to what the profession is since your current colleagues are so fascinated by it. It's very difficult to say whether they are being odd or unreasonable to still associate you so strongly with that line of work unless we know what the job was.

Anyway sorry you're having a tough time

WittgensteinsBunny · 12/08/2016 19:08

Oh user I'm so sorry to hear of your awful experience.

I'm sorry people aren't being very tactful. It's just that most people can't or don't understand that big changes sometimes have to be made because of bad shitty situations and that those are things that people may not wish to share. I hate bantz for this very reason. I think you just need to shut them down with a short, sharp quip; no need to divulge details you don't want to.

FWIW I had a promising career in the media when I was in my 20s, ended up being bullied really badly in a new role by an awful boss, walked off the job, suffered with chronic anxiety, moved into another field - a less glam, boring one, as felt by others, not me - and it took years to be able to sort out my self-esteem / identity.

You are not your job or your past.

I think you're bloody brilliantly to still be working at all after everything you've been through.

Anonymouses · 12/08/2016 19:08

You just need to say... I used to be an X but I prefer not to be reminded about it if you don't mind as it was rough time for
Me. Followed if necessary by it it's not up for discussion.

Unless you tell people it upsets you they won't know. It's probably just something someone latched onto as a way to remember you. There's probably also a "Wendy who used to be a traffic warden" "Suzanne you know the one whose husband is in the navy" or "Jane with the 3 boys" especially if the workplace is big people pick a random detail to hep them remember people.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2016 19:12

These cryptic threads never end well

Op, I am sorry you are upset but getting blood out of a stone is pretty damn irritating

If you need support with something, you need to be clear then we can reply appropriately

marblestatue · 12/08/2016 19:13

You're under no obligation to explain your choices in life, and if anyone makes silly judgements that's their problem.

I would have a few bland reasons to give when people ask "why did you leave?"

I felt it was time for a change, and I'm really enjoying X aspect of things now
I decided to go for something more flexible, and have been able to fit in more yoga/cooking/seeing friends
I wanted to put more into the family business

And then put the focus on them instead "So what did you do before this?"

Or change the subject completely "Are you going anywhere nice on holiday?"

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/08/2016 19:16

Bloody hell. I managed to get why the op was upset without needing the details of what the career was. Maybe some posters who may have had the same job could offer specific advice though op.

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