Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

[Olddear]

'Why is that lady so very, very fat?' That can't be good for heart and bones' he sounds like a miniature Bertie Wooster.

[LynetteScavo]

Well if that woman posts on MN later about a ride child who called her fat she will be applauded for her response.

[NickiFury]

@ "miniature Bertie Wooster"

[Thefitfatty]

I've lost 3.5 stone. I'm very keen on exercise and healthy eating. What I'm most keen on is teaching my children that people come in all shapes and sizes and everyone is beautiful. When my Ds commented about someone on tv having a big belly I told him "yes, and that's fine and wonderful and everyone comes in different shapes and sizes."
I'm not teaching him unhealthy habits are ok because he's seeing DH and I live by example. What I am teaching him is that everyone is beautiful. Because they are.

[pieceofpurplesky]

I am obese linked to mental illness. To me it is a form of self harm to make people hate me.
What your DS said would have made me sad but not angry. What you said would sound to me patronising and would be the thing that made me upset. Of course the woman knows HOW to lose weight - if she could she know doubt would. You were the rude one

[LouisTherouxsGlasses]

Reminds me of the time my little sister walked past some bearded drinker and asked loudly, "Mummy, is that man a WEIRDO?" Oh dear.

Kids do say inappropriate things, par for the course really.

[maddiesparks]

'Teach him some fucking manners'??!! Charming. I'm sorry I'm sure it was hurtful for her to hear but it's hard to be too sympathetic if that was her response to a five year old.

[Thefitfatty]

The thing is, commenting on her size and weight has nothing to do with health and fitness UNLESS you're telling your kids that fat means unhealthy and unfit (not true).

[ShelaghTurner]

I'm very obese and I was waiting at school with some friends, chatting as you do. And one of their younger children who was 4 at the time said "why have you got such a really big tummy" to me. I was mortified, this was in front of my entire school friendship group. Her mother told her it was rude to comment on people and I smiled, desperately trying not to cry and fronted it out till I got home and locked myself in the bathroom. It was a couple of weeks before I showed my face at the school again, I was so humiliated. But, at no point would I have sworn at the child, told her off etc. Kids say what they see, much as it may hurt. You just have to teach them to be more aware but it's not done to intentionally hurt.

[maddiesparks]

I quite agree it is right to teach children those things and I do, however the child is very young. I also teach my children not to swear.

[Lurkedforever1]

npower so it's ok for you and your dc to make personal comments on the size of others, but offensive to point out as another adult that makes you pretty stupid to think it's ok? Like I said, I wouldn't teach my child, or anyone else's that the correct response is 'wow, look how ignorant that person is'. But take small children out of earshot, and you will get that response. Teach your dc whatever bad manners you like. However don't be suprised if when he's at school the skinny child responds in kind with personal comments. Or if he said it to dd now at 12, the response would likely be along the lines of 'it's not very nice to say those types of things' however if you as a parent failed to acknowledge your child had been rude, then yes, she probably would comment on your ignorance, to you. And don't expect people like me to teach their dc personal comments are rude, but perfectly ok if others wish to comment on you.

[OpenMe]

Being fat is actually quite good for yourbones, all that extra weight bearing! I wouldnt recommend it as a deliberate policy but your 5yo is missing informed. People who come to (eg) running after a big weight loss often do very well because the heart and lungs that were used to carrying all the weight are actually pretty strong - the problem is they're not usually quite strong enough to deal with the excess weight long term.

I dont believe for a minute it's possible to be obese and fit/healthy though. How many obese, very elderly people have you met?

[mumtofivepreg]

I think you handled it as well as you could have , u apologised and explained , I understand you feel bad, perhaps she dsnt have children - other wise shed ged that All children say things that come into their heads. Mine once announced that the woman holding up the queue to get seats on a train (because of her large size) had ' Definitely eaten too much cake' . Another time he told an old lady who had stopped to comment on his good behaviour in a shop that she was 'going to die reeeeally soooon' !!
I'm sure if the woman thinks about it she will realise it wasn't said with an intent to hurt.
The joys of children eh ! X

[mumtofivepreg]

Also , its all very well some posters picking apart what you said - you were thinking on ur feet for gods sake ! I (although ashamed to admit it) have actually pretended that I wasn't with a child or adult on previous excruciating circumstances ,because I just didn't know on the spot how to react! My very elderly nan once shouted out when we got to the front of a queue in M&s during the Xmas shopping rush(think queues a mile long ,so lots of witnesses ) "OMG they've even let them work here now" !! She was talking about a black lady working the tills , it was horrific. I was dumb struck and literally pretended I didn't know her because in tht split second I just did not know what to do. You had the courage to try and explain and make amends, you were not rude, just flabbergasted and caught off guard !

[Bomb]

This thread is so very, very strange.

[bunnyfuller]

Gawd...your explanation made it worse! I'm exactly the same, make a cock up much worse. I feel your pain!!

[bramblesandblackberries]

This is like that horrible thread from the other day.

A NT 5 yo should know better.

[milkyface]

Ffs he's five.

Yes maybe five year olds should know not to make personal comments but by the sounds of it he thought he was being helpful.

I very much doubt he thought ooooh that lady is fat I must make a precocious comment and ruin her day under the guise of being helpful.

If he was 15 I'd get her reaction but I wouldn't ever react like that to a five year old.

Over explanation prob didn't help but neither you or your son were rude.

This has nothing to do with manners...

[bramblesandblackberries]

If a NT 5 yo really thinks he's being helpful by saying someone is fat, then someone hasn't done a very thorough job teaching him manners.

He's going to come across big schoolteachers, friends' parents and even schoolmates and he needs to learn to zip it :)

[LeadTheWay]

brambles he just has finished reception, and going into yr1. School have commented on what a well mannered young boy he is but also comment on his black and white view of the world. I sort of see this as a good example of that, he has good manners and wants to be kind but doesn't always draw the line on frankness. We had a very positive conversation after, and he has asked many questions since so I know he's been thinking about it. Honestly he is not a 'nasty', 'precocious' or rude child, he made a mistake and realised it. Fault is with me today in my handling I feel.

[HackAttack]

I was five stone overweight in the past, endured comments but never swore in front of a child. Horrid behaviour

[milkyface]

brambles do you really think he deliberately said it to upset the woman?! Course he bloody didn't.