Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

[RandomBlueHat]

And just for the record: I think Random's comment that the remark was justifiable comes from an assumption that the woman can do something about her weight, and perhaps should do if she wants people not to make remarks. So I'd just like to point out that not everyone can just do that. Not everyone has to either. In neither case should anyone be "called out" on it.

And exactly where did I say that?

[rookiemere]

It's normal for young children to comment on things. It's our job as parents to tell them it's inappropriate to say out loud that a person has funny hair/is a different colour/is heavy.

Your explanation was unnecessary. All that was needed was a heartfelt apology and for her to hear you telling her son that it's rude to comment on other peoples appearance.

I'm not surprised she swore, she was probably devastated.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

but it's ok to say someone is tall, or thin, or has brown hair...

How about a recovering anorexic?
Or a height-challenged person (dwarfism etc)?
If we comment on brown hair then is it ok to say 'Wow, your hair's very RED' (yes my friend gets this all the time and it's not meant to be complimentary).

My point is that commenting on people's appearance for no good reason generally isn't necessary or advisable until kids can grasp the concept of manners, tact, respect etc.

[SnipSnipMrBurgess]

Your child is 5.

Teach him some manners.

No wonder she swore, how hurtful was it to hear his repeated comments.

When you were fat, would you have liked it?

[drinkingtea]

Did you realky say all that? That's very wordy indeed for a real spontanious verbal interaction...

[LeadTheWay]

No snipsnip I wouldn't have which was why I tried, albeit very badly, to offer an explanation. I admit I handled it badly which absolutely was not my intention. we were just on a really nice day out, as I am sure she was, and it probably ruined both our days.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

I think I would have been inclined to move on without saying anything. You made the situation worse by launching into that sort of explanation and apology. Then you ticked HER off for her response.
Your child is old enough to be told that he should not make such personal comments in future. Tell him that in private though so that others are spared a possibly patronising explanation.

[NPowerShitShower]

TheWild - fair enough, there will always be exceptions. However, in general terms, tall, thin etc don't have negative connotations. Fat does, and for small children, who like a PP said, are used to fat as a descriptive word, nothing more, it can be very hard to distinguish between what is rude/socially acceptable and what isn't. Yes, you could put a blanket ban on comments on anything about anyone, in order to avoid the odd blunder, but is that fair? I also have a redheaded DC and we get the red hair comments pretty much daily - thankfully we live in a country where this has positive connotations and is to be celebrated.

[Idefix]

Have been of both sides of this where when I was six stone heavier, adults would ask if I was ?pregnant or call me a fat fucker and young children would comment on my being fat and my purple hair . Comments from children never got to me but the adult comments always hurt.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

@SnipSnipMrBurgess

Good post.

[LeadTheWay]

What do you think you should have done OP?
Probably just said sorry and left it and dealt with DS.
I am awful for feeling nervous and talking too much! Normally I control it but got it wrong today.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

I think her reaction was uncalled-for. Young children say things. I'm slightly overweight and have had very blunt comments on my weight, shape, and once 'why do you have some black teeth?' which hit home because I'm dental-phobic and was very self-conscious about the state of my mouth at the time. I was mortified. In none of these cases did I blame the child. Five-year-olds don't have social filters.

I think a quick apology from the parent and distracting/taking away the child is kinder than a lengthy explanation or insisting on an apology from the child at the time. Nobody wants to linger over a moment that embarrassing!

[Canyouforgiveher]

Amazed at how many people say the 5 year old wasn't rude. He didn't mean to be rude but he was. He was also hurtful to someone. He didn't mean to be but that is why he has parents - who have gently explained to him exactly why he was rude and hurtful and how he can avoid it in the future.

[NPowerShitShower]

Lurked - wow! That's pretty offensive. I can only hope that whilst you've taught your DC not to comment on all of these things, you've also taught them to be way more polite than insinuating that someone else is stupid as they have a slightly different viewpoint from theirs

npower it categorically isn't ok to comment on people being thin either. And tall gets pretty wearing too. Luckily for you I also included commenting on people's stupidity as something we don't do.

[LadyDeadpool]

I'm with Nicki blatant bullshit.

[BlueLeopard]

My then 3.5 year old loudly observed that the man in the supermarket had a big fat belly. Big fat bellies being a current interest because several of his nursery teachers were expecting.

He got told off immediately and told that it's rude to talk about people's appearances. Which is what you do if your child insults anyone, not go explaining to the embarrassed object of their curiosities why they said something that is cheeky. Because the person they insulted really don't give a fuck why.

If my 3.5 year old managed to understand that its rude to comment like that, the surely your articulate 5 year old would understand.

[Sallystyle]

Yes, you dealt with it badly but you have acknowledged that a few times now.

Nothing to be done except drum it in your child's head that it is rude to comment on anyone's body shape.

I understand why she made the comment she did and I don't think she is unreasonable for swearing in front of him.

[drinkingtea]

I agree with others that the comments of kids or other innocents (I work with people with dementia) about any physical characteristic they observe have no sting but hollier than though lectures or speeches, just like smirking or deliberate insults or other comments by competent adults, are the problem.