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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re situation with in laws staying

72 replies

RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 15:39

They are staying with us for 5 weeks. DH works full-time, I work 3 days a week. The 2 days I'm off I find really awkward and exhausting. PILs are lovely but we don't speak the same language so lots of guesswork and miscommunications. I've taken them out sightseeing but they didn't seem to enjoy it and there were lots of awkward silences.
For the rest of the visit I'd like to work full-time (hours can always be increased) but DH is against this, he wants me to be available those days to take PILs out and about and spend time with them. I feel they'd be happier having time to themselves or with our 1-year-old DD without me there (she has a full time nursery place so they don't have to provide childcare, they can take her out of nursery if they want or take her out for part of the day, or leave her in nursery if they prefer).

What do you think? AIBU? We'd still have family weekends. DH can't take time off and keeps saying 'is it too much to ask of you to spend 2 days a week with my parents'?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 12/08/2016 15:40

Yanbu.

It's a big ask.

Why can't they go off by themselves? Do some sightseeing? Day trips?

Plenty of people manage to do that without speaking the language.

tofutti · 12/08/2016 15:42

YANBU. why can't your DH take time off?

Does he take on equal housework or do you usually do more as you work 3 days pw?

LindyHemming · 12/08/2016 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaCabbage · 12/08/2016 15:51

As a PP said, would he do the same for you?

Sounds awful. Great if you get on well and you want to, but if it is awkward and exhausting then it sounds miserable and you will resent him.

He sounds like he hasn't a clue.

LemonBreeland · 12/08/2016 15:53

YANBU. Would he spend two days a week with your parents? Especially if he didn't speak the same language as them. It is a huge ask and should not be an expectation.

Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 15:59

He says he would, but the situation would never arise as my parents don't visit often... we see them for a couple of days twice a year. And I would never expect him to entertain them while I was at work, I don't think that's fair.

He can't take time off due to current work situation.

I do 90% of housework.

I see no reason why they can't go sightseeing without me (I've shown them local bus routes, we've taken taxis together, they use google-maps etc). They love spending time with DD and I'm not denying them that, if they want they can take her out of nursery.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/08/2016 15:59

YANBU. As a compromise perhaps you could work 4 days a week. That way they get one day alone with GD and one day with you. Your DH is unfair to expect this of you. Have they travelled a long distance hence such a long visit?

Pearlman · 12/08/2016 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2kids2dogsnosense · 12/08/2016 16:14

Agree with rookie - if necessary, for the sake of marital harmony, work an extra day and let them have a day with your daughter. TBH I wouldn't be surprised if they would prefer to be left alone - they'll find things difficult, too.

But tell your DH - if they come again, HE is the one who has to take time off work to go out and about with them, Say it and mean it.

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/08/2016 16:28

Yes it is, particularly if there is a language difficulty.
He should definitely have arranged time off to be with his parents, and not expected you to deal with it. It is likely his parents will visit again, so make sure that he arranges time off for himself next time.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 12/08/2016 16:35

Pfft. Tell him 'Yes. It is too much to expect me to spend two days every week with your parents. We don't speak the same language, they didn't enjoy the days I did take them out & YOU aren't taking any time off work'. Then 'go to work' - friends, days out with DD, whatever you want.

blankmind · 12/08/2016 16:41

Ask them what they'd like to do, then arrange it for them.

Maybe they're tired of seeing the sights i.e. being treated as guests and would just like to spend some time with you and their granddaughter as families do.

2rebecca · 12/08/2016 16:41

I wouldn't want to be with a man with such sexist expectations. If he invites his parents to stay then he ensures that they come when he can entertain them. i'm not his social secretary and never had any desire to be a housewife. The different language makes it obvious he should be the one showing them round, plus they will want to see him as he's their son.
Having said that I probably wouldn't deliberately do extra work but I would only have agreed to them visiting in the first place if he was willing to take time off.

DamaskRose · 12/08/2016 16:44

Current set up doesn't seem fair. Great that ILs are nice people but DH perhaps not aware what 's being asked of you here. I've had that with the language thing and found it REALLY draining. I would increase work hours if it was me and you trust them with DC

Why would DH block an idea that would be in your interests and not to anyone else's detriment? Has he got form for that?

coconutpie · 12/08/2016 16:45

Wow, your DH is a twat. They are HIS parents and he expects you to stay home and entertain them, with a language barrier, while he swans off to work? Fuck that. His parents, he can arrange entertaining.

KeramyJyle · 12/08/2016 16:53

Would 5 short days at work (so not extra hours, but say 5 days of 5 hrs instead of 3 x 8 hour days) be better? You get home early afternoon, spend a couple of hours with them, and then DH gets home?? Might be easier than 2 full days??
Dreading this happening to me, except my kids would be at school most of the day, and I don't work.... Application for a job in the post!!!!

Littlecaf · 12/08/2016 16:56

Actually, I think YABU. Only a little.

I get that they are your DH parents. But sometimes when you're in a relationship you kinda have to suck up such annoyances and get on with it. If you work full time that's 5 days a week on their own while visiting you, that's not really a nice situation to be in and if it was me visiting family I'd be a bit put out that my DIL had increased her hours so that she wasn't around.

Work an extra day here and there but be nice to your in laws - they don't sound like nasty people, just a bit awkward and with a language barrier.

Not sure that the OPs DH deserves being called sexist and a twat though.

oldlaundbooth · 12/08/2016 17:02

DH's parents don't really speak English and my knowledge of their language is patchy. NO WAY would I be taking them on days out and stuff. Awkward or what.

As you've said, you've shown them the bus routes etc, leave them to it.

It's not your problem, 5 weeks is enough without being a bloody tour guide!

oldlaundbooth · 12/08/2016 17:03

If I was you OP I'd have said that they was an unavoidable reason why I have to now work full time - much like your DH has done.

MadamDeathstare · 12/08/2016 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2016 17:09

Deffo deffo NU. Can't they hire a car or go off as you say.. No, you're not their nurse maid. Would they go off on their though? It really depends upon cultural norms. Where are they from?

oldestmumaintheworld · 12/08/2016 17:09

I'd be going to work full-time. They aren't your parents and therefore not your responsibility. At least not for five weeks they're not. Mind you I couldn't stand my in-laws for five minutes

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 12/08/2016 17:12

I think it is an enormous amount to ask of you that you spend two days a week entertaining his parents for that length of time!!! Good grief. He sounds spoilt. Or perhaps just very disappointed that the people he loves most aren't getting on.

Missgraeme · 12/08/2016 17:14

I would be offering to work 7 days and leave oh to it!! 5 weeks!! I hope u have written a bucket list for when they have gone home. Your oh owes u big style imo!

EllaHen · 12/08/2016 17:15

YANBU. At all. Blimey. I wouldn't dream of imposing my parents onto dh.