Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re situation with in laws staying

72 replies

RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 15:39

They are staying with us for 5 weeks. DH works full-time, I work 3 days a week. The 2 days I'm off I find really awkward and exhausting. PILs are lovely but we don't speak the same language so lots of guesswork and miscommunications. I've taken them out sightseeing but they didn't seem to enjoy it and there were lots of awkward silences.
For the rest of the visit I'd like to work full-time (hours can always be increased) but DH is against this, he wants me to be available those days to take PILs out and about and spend time with them. I feel they'd be happier having time to themselves or with our 1-year-old DD without me there (she has a full time nursery place so they don't have to provide childcare, they can take her out of nursery if they want or take her out for part of the day, or leave her in nursery if they prefer).

What do you think? AIBU? We'd still have family weekends. DH can't take time off and keeps saying 'is it too much to ask of you to spend 2 days a week with my parents'?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 12/08/2016 17:24

If I were them I would much rather have 1:1 time with my grandchild than be entertained 24/7 by a relative who doesn't speak the same language.

However, is this a culture clash problem - dies he think they would be offended?

EweAreHere · 12/08/2016 17:25

YANBU. Your husband is. I'm sure they'd be just fine without you awkwardly showing them around, especially if they can spend time with their grandchild.

Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 20:42

Thanks everyone

Yes they've travelled a long way, from Dubai. DH invited them, in his culture family are welcome at all times... when I initially objected and said 5 weeks is too long he got angry and said 'my parents are always welcome in our home' and added that it's my duty to make them feel welcome. He said he doesn't ask much of me but this is non negotiable.

I've done my best to make them feel at home and I also spent 3 days cleaning the house before they came. We gave up our bedroom, I prepared lots of special food etc. I try to be friendly and chatty but I'm exhausted from being up with DD multiple times a night and from work, commuting etc. I'm an introvert and find it very stressful having people to stay. PILs play with DD a lot and mil cooks and they're friendly, I just find it all such a strain. They take a long siesta every afternoon and it's hard to keep DD quiet. I'd much rather be at work Blush

DH is the main breadwinner so he can't risk getting into trouble at work by taking time off when he's needed. He's a doctor so works long hours.

I just feel like it's all going to go wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 21:02

Also, when DH told me they were coming he kept saying 'they won't be guests they'll live as part of the family' and he said they'd help a lot with DD, take her out, be very hands on.

So far they haven't shown much interest in her Sad They play with her for half an hour then put their feet up and watch TV for hours or go for a long nap. If I leave her with them while I do housework they come and find me after 20mins 'oh here is mummy' or make jokes about me 'hiding'. I was hoping they might get involved in things like feeding her, bathing her, changing the odd nappy or want to take her out for an afternoon. They did take her out to the shops but they came back upset because she cried in the buggy on the way back and they 'didn't know what to do'.
Maybe my expectations were too high?

OP posts:
timelytess · 12/08/2016 21:07

Is he the right man for you? 'This is non-negotiable'? That you have people in your house for five weeks?

cheminotte · 12/08/2016 21:07

How old is DD?

Phineyj · 12/08/2016 21:13

This is ridiculous - next time tell him either hotel/B&B or shorter visit. He is basically saying your time and preferences are of no value. If he starts bleating on about cultural norms, tell him your cultural norms include no 5 week house guests!

Get tough. My friend's MIL stayed for 5 months once in similar circs...

coconutpie · 12/08/2016 21:16

Non negotiable? Fuck that. Tell him it may be non negotiable that they are now here for five weeks but also its non negotiable that you will stay out of work to entertain them. And you gave up your bedroom? WTF? WHY? I give up my bedroom to nobody - guest room or they can check into a hotel.

coconutpie · 12/08/2016 21:18

And tell him that in future, he must clear it with you before he invites his parents to stay and that 5 weeks is ridiculous. They are coming from Dubai, not Saturn - they do not need to stay that long.

And also, he has to start doing housework. You are not his housekeeper.

Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 21:21

DD is 13months.

We gave up our bedroom as it's the only one that can be changed into a suitable guestroom, we're sleeping in DD's room.

My parents always stay in a hotel when they visit.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 12/08/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 12/08/2016 21:23

I can't face falling out with him right now but I'm so angry!

OP posts:
Pearlman · 12/08/2016 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/08/2016 21:31

YABVU to switch to full time (why put more work on yourself?!) but YANBU to not spend your days off with them.

"What are you up to tomorrow mil? I'm off to xxxxx; would you like me to drop you at the station on my way?"

That, or invent a work trip that requires you to be away for a few nights.

ToffeeForEveryone · 12/08/2016 21:33

A 5 week house visit from anyone, my family or DHs, would be my worst nightmare, so you have my sympathy Flowers How long have they been with you now?

Could you arrange a mini-break for them ("Don't you want to see Oxford / Edinburgh / Swindon while you're over here?") to give you a few days off?

CurbsideProphet · 12/08/2016 21:39

Rainbow it reads like your DH is in charge and makes the decisions. It also reads like he doesn't care that you are tired and unhappy with the situation. I personally don't think YABU.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 21:44

my duty to make them feel welcome. He said he doesn't ask much of me but this is non negotiable

Duty? Duty?!? WTAF. Are you his wife or his employee? Go to work and stay there.

itsmine · 12/08/2016 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyBotanicals · 12/08/2016 21:46

Dear God.

He tells you when you may or may not work.its non-negotiable that he imposes guests in you to entertain for five weeks, regardless of your wishes and desire to work.

I'd be having a long hard think about how much choice you are prepared to give up for the sake of your marriage.

UnexpectedBaggage · 12/08/2016 21:51

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 21:56

It's one of the pitfalls of mixed cultural marriages
No it's not. It's one of the pitfalls of being married to a dickhead. Don't confuse the two.

libellule1 · 12/08/2016 21:56

Next time make sure he books at least half of those long weeks as annual leave!
Go to work if you can manage it, otherwise. I think the idea of pushing them off on mini-breaks is good, help them book a train to Bath or something, and arrange a few appointments maybe so you can be out in the day!

Waltermittythesequel · 12/08/2016 21:57

He's an absolute prick! Seriously.

Original poster
RainbowSeaMoss · 13/08/2016 10:26

He's not usually dictatorial, it's only about his family visiting that he lays down the law. He says they are my family too now and we must make them welcome in our home whenever they want to stay.

Some good ideas, thanks. Next week I'll try giving them lots of tourist info leaflets and leave them to explore. Trouble is they want to spend time with DD too but don't feel confident taking her out alone. And there aren't many places I can take them as DH wants us to save the best ones for when he can join us at weekends.

We have a long weekend in London booked (all of us, in a hotel) so that breaks it up a bit.

Yes, next year I will insist he can take time off before inviting them!

OP posts:
DropZoneOne · 13/08/2016 10:36

I can understand them coming for 5 weeks in August, it's not unusual in that culture. But your DH would have known that, he could have booked some time off. Definitely unfair to expect you to pick up all the slack.

Has he asked them what they'd like to do? Maybe they just want 5 weeks away from the heat of Dubai and are happy watching TV.