Re situation with in laws staying

[RainbowSeaMoss]

They are staying with us for 5 weeks. DH works full-time, I work 3 days a week. The 2 days I'm off I find really awkward and exhausting. PILs are lovely but we don't speak the same language so lots of guesswork and miscommunications. I've taken them out sightseeing but they didn't seem to enjoy it and there were lots of awkward silences.
For the rest of the visit I'd like to work full-time (hours can always be increased) but DH is against this, he wants me to be available those days to take PILs out and about and spend time with them. I feel they'd be happier having time to themselves or with our 1-year-old DD without me there (she has a full time nursery place so they don't have to provide childcare, they can take her out of nursery if they want or take her out for part of the day, or leave her in nursery if they prefer).

What do you think? AIBU? We'd still have family weekends. DH can't take time off and keeps saying 'is it too much to ask of you to spend 2 days a week with my parents'?

And there aren't many places I can take them as DH wants us to save the best ones for when he can join us at weekends

Tell him tough shit.

He sounds like a dick.

Since when was he the boss of you?

As a doctor, and I'm guessing a junior one, he'll be limited in how much time he can book off work, especially in August which is changeover time for most doctors.

However he probably works in a very multi-cultural team and with a lot of female doctors where his attitude would be unusual to put it mildly. You could suggest he asks at work some of the British women how they would manage in the same situation - it would be eye-opening to him to see how blindingly unreasonable he's being.

He's in a mixed marriage which means compromise from BOTH of you - not just you which is how it seems at the moment.

God, I would be exhausted. Especially given you are already doing far more than your fair share around the house (if you work 3 days and he works 5, he should be doing three times as much housework as he's currently doing). It is exhausting to entertain in-laws, let alone in a foreign language.

He set an ultimatum, but a condition of that was that he told you his parents would be able to help with your DC and give you some free time. So he needs to speak to his parents about this and make sure that they are willing to do that.

Sure, it is nice to have guests, but if his parents are being treated as guests, then both of you should be home to look after them. OTOH if they are being 'part of the family' as he claims, they shouldn't expect to put their feet up and not help out. I wonder if he's been clear with them what the expectation was here? If they expected 5 weeks of holiday with a little light interaction with a grandchild and plenty of time with their son, they must be feeling pretty fed up too.

5 weeks?! I remember when we used to have DMs relatives visiting from abroad my first question would be 'How long are they staying?' to which DM would tell me that it was considered rude to ask. To my English programmed brain it was bizarre- surely if you were visiting anyone you'd usually warn them how long it would be!

Is this the first time they've spent this long with you all when you are all working as normal? There's always the hope they may have found it difficult and perhaps next time will stay for a shorter period of time. Also, as your DD gets older and towards school age they may find it easier to take her out on their own.
I do think your DH is being unreasonable. They are his parents after all!

An inability to entertain oneself by going out is not always just when you have inlaws from abroad though. A friend has visits from her family abroad who are happy to go on day trips or short breaks within the UK on their own, but her British MIL won't go further than the local shops (they live in London so lots of public transport).

Your 'duty'. Fuck that. Yabu in as far as agreeing to it. Next time no WAY 5 weeks. Jesus I'd crumble after 5 days with my pils.

Your 'duty'. Fuck that. The only thing yabu in is agreeing to it and letting them through the door. Next time no WAY 5 weeks. Jesus I'd crumble after 5 days with my pils.

So good I said it twice.

As an aside does anyone get yabu auto corrected to yanbu? Very annoying!

Yanbu. He should take annual leave and entertain them himself.

You spoke next year op. Just nooooo. Leave the country!

Seriously though, culturally people do behave very differently. A long time ago dh and I visited friends. She was from El Salvador and he was French. The mother was over visiting from El Salvador. We were so disappointed with how they completely cow towed to the mother and how unwelcoming they were of us. The mothers entitled attitude was mind blowing. She was staying for 2 months and we were there supposedly for 3 nights, but cut it short to 2 and never made contact with the couple after that.

It was such a shame as we hadn't seen eachother for years as they lived in the far south west of France. We weren't allowed to put our clothes in the walk in wardrobe with the mils clothes - even though there was plenty of space. The French guy almost had a nervous breakdown when I asked. The MIL did a whole bunch of rude things that I'd rather not remember. We ended up sleeping in the smelly and damp cellar on a roll mat while they'd given up their bedroom for the mother. Our clothes started to smell after 24 hours. It was grim. They really should have told us they couldn't accommodate us before we drove several hundred miles out of our way on holiday to visit them!

We know it wasn't just the mother like that as we'd previously met the whole family a couple of years earlier when we went to their wedding in El Salvador. They family were very welcoming but their attitude to what and wasn't culturally normal was just so different to dh and me. For a start off, the father drove round with a loaded pistol beside the handbrake.

Anyway all that to say it's not fair to give op a hard time because of cultural differences.

Any tips for how to get through it?

I'm finding the visit really hard and I'm sure they feel unwelcome They are kind, generous people and
I don't want them to feel unwelcome but I'm seething with DH for inviting them at such a difficult stressful time. I'm still struggling with PND and he can't take time off. I can't get DD into nursery the days I'm usually off (they don't have space) so I can't increase my hours at work

I feel so awkward around them and I'm sure they realise.

What about other family? Does your DH have any siblings, cousins? Other grandchildren? IMO the only reason cultures with a 'family time all the time' ethos work is a) you can go outside a lot (which to be fair should be true at the moment) and b) the load is spread between a vast extended network. The language thing is really tough too.

TBH if my DIL had set things up so that I could either take my grandchild out whenever I wanted OR put her in nursery if I were tired, I would think I was in heaven....

Would be great if your parents could pony up and come and take their opposite numbers out for a day or two?

Also, what exactly does your DH mean by 'making them welcome'? You have made them welcome - in the same way he has, by opening your home to them?

In his culture, aren't you supposed to go to your mother for at least a year a month to recover after the baby is born, and then not do much except feed for quite a long time?

When they go for a siesta, take DD out rather than trying to keep her quiet. If they are on their own a while after they wake up, so what?

Do what you would be doing on those days anyway - library visit, shopping or whatever - and ask them to join you if they like. Don't plan anything special, you are doing weekend outings.

And get a massage or shopping trip or cinema ticket or whatever on your own when in london! Tell DH that is non negotiable.

When they've gone, tell him this isn't happening again and they need to come at a time he can take time off.

Can you be sort of honest?

Tell them you're really not feeling great at the moment and could do with a day in bed.

Let them take dd off out for the day?

Your husband is quite the cunt, I'm afraid.

Oh I really feel for you! My PILS and I have a language barrier as well so it's just so awkward! They have just been for 3days one of which DP couldn't take off from work so I only had to entertain them for 1 day and it was just so stressful! Fortunately travel between where we live is relatively fast so they can come or we go to them for short visits I can't imagine coping with 5 weeks all a once!

Have you thought about using the time together to try and learn some more of each others language? I literally point to different things around the house and while out for a walk at the supermarket etc - and I get them to tell me their word for it and i'd tell them the English. Little by little we are all improving one word at a time. Although its not easy at all it might give you something productive to focus and It will also be valuable for you DD to help ensure she ends up bilingual and ultimately if you are able to communicate better with PILS it will be less stressful to spend time with them.

Perhaps give your PIL the choice once they arrive OP? On family holidays with my PIL, we tend to do our own thing except for meals when we all come together for those. Perhaps something similar may work for you though appreciate it is different as you are hosting. Have you PIL mentioned anything they would like to do in particular while they stay with you? I would suggest that if you like the sound of whatever your PIL want to do that day then by all means join in. Otherwise leave them to it. It means you are being sociable but hopefully also getting some time to yourself. Hope that helps. Good luck!

Rope in your friends for playdates - takes pressure off you and they can try to chat to PILS. That's one afternoon a week sorted.

Any regular playgroups or baby groups nearby you could all go to? Music ones maybe? Even swimming? That's another 1/2 day gone.

Do they like cooking? Ask them to show you how to cook their local food/delicacy? Take them for trad English stuff like afternoon tea. Could take up a few more half days.

You can do this!

Tips?

Try a trip to the local swimming pool. You go in with dc they can watch from the rest area / cafe etc and watch the baby splash about in the pool. Take your time showering and changing so you have a nice morning / afternoon with the baby without talking to anyone. In laws involved but no one having to talk. Then when you're home dc will have a very long quiet nap.

Also you could ask them to try and teach Dc their language - get some index cards they can write on, with words and pictures. That will keep them busy with DC while you potter round the house, make them and their language feel a part of things and you can use the cards after they've left. You could even play along learning from the cards too? Another couple of hours gone...

5 weeks means you don't treat them as visitors, you treat the as someone who lives in the house. And frankly, having just got back to the Middle East, they are visiting as much to avoid the summer heat as see the family - it was 40C at 10 last night.
Chores need doing, and so you do them. Invite them along,sure. But you need to supermarket shop (would they cook a meal for you or would you rather eat our own food?). Go to the park. The swimming idea is a good one. What do you normally do on your days off?
Could you book a hair cut (massage, pedicure, manicure) and have the grandparents look after DD?
I'd also send DH, DD and your visitors out at the weekend, and collapse in slovenly heap by your self one day. You don't need to do everything all together.

It must be less than 4 weeks now til they go???