Am I being silly? SIL

[Steviea88]

I've been a lurker here for a while but this is my first post so please go easy

My SIL is in her early thirties and single. She definitely wants her own children But unfortunately she has just not met the right person yet.

Anyway, I have a DS from a previous relationship and now have a DD with husband. She is now 6 months old.

The thing that is really getting to me is how over the top SIL is with DD. She has literally sprinted through a shopping mall to get to the baby after not seeing her for 2 days.
It's like she needs to prove to people (I don't know who) that she really loves her.
She tries to undermine anything I say.
'No, please don't pick her up she's settled'
'Please don't feed her that...'
And still continues to do as she pleases. I just keep quiet as not to cause an argument.

She constantly calls my DD 'My Baby' and posts hundreds of photos on Facebook.
She so so p*ssed off when she wasn't asked to be godparent and had a strop for the whole day (we had no family, and she's not religious and priest needed to see certificates anyway)

It may all sound a bit silly, but everyone has noticed it. Family, our friends.
She sees us at least twice a week so it's not like she doesn't see her much.
She will come unannounced to our home and If the baby is asleep she has no qualms about waking her up.

The thing that has got to be today is that it's MIL birthday. SIL has posted photos on Facebook of DS and DD with MIL and the usual happy birthday, we love you etc.
But she has decided to put 'to the best nanny in the world, we both love you lots'
AIBU to think that this isn't her place to do so?
Obviously DD is the 1st grandchild for his parents and I think that that should come from me and DP?

I know in lucky to have someone love my children as much as us but sometimes it's so overbearing and I feel like she is trying to take over!

Should I say something ?

Your child, your rules. I would not let her wake your child up. The fact she's not met the right person does not excuse her behaviour.

YANBU in the slightest

How is it a horrible comment? It's true!

She has just bought the house opposite ours! Can see into each other's rooms so has been coming round a lot more the last few weeks.

Starting to sound like the plot of a new paperback now.

Could you move?

"I just keep quiet as not to cause an argument."
So you allow yourself to be pushed around instead? That is why she feels able to behave as she does!

I mean this kindly, I really do OP - but you need to get a fucking grip here! Who has priority to your love and care - your baby or your SIL?

Having established that your baby is your priority - you need to set some boundaries with your SIL and you need to enforce them ruthlessly. You are the mother and she is the aunt.

Look at what hellsbellsmelons posted (13:28:25). That is exactly how you need to play this now. She doesn't get over your door until you tell her how it is going to be. She goes against your wishes, she is told to leave. And I'd probably tell her 'three strikes and you're out' too. 'Out' could be a week, a month (or anything you feel appropriate) before you allow her access again.

The other things that horrified me -

She wants to spend all her time with you and "if we are busy then it's 'out of order'". FFS! You need time with just your DP and DC - without her! And as jay55 so rightly pointed out, "If she spends all her free time with you or her parents how is she going to meet anyone to have a family with?" I think I'd be pointing that out TO HER very, very, clearly. One weekend a month would be the absolute maximum I'd allow. And if she pulled her 'out of order' stunt - hard stare, 'why do you think I'm not entitled to family time with MY family'? followed by throwing her out. Seriously. She cannot justify it.

"If we do try and do something just us I am made to feel guilty about it."
By who? Your DP doesn't sound as if he'd care, so not him. So just SIL, and maybe MIL. You need to decide whether to feel guilty or not. Do YOU think you have anything to feel guilty about? No? So when she tries guilt trip you, tries to manipulate you - get angry with her instead. Visibly, audibly angry. With a few 'how dare you's and some 'I have been very patient but enough is enough's thrown in.

"I have asked DP to have words before but when it comes to family he has no balls and won't say anything and I look the bad one."
Prick. Well if he has no balls, you can still use it. You just need to be willing to be in charge. Who cares if you look the bad one? What are they going to do about it? Get onto him to get onto you? He's ball-less, you know it, he'll do nothing. he says one word, you tell him it's his own fault he should have done as you asked and if he doesn't back you now you're going to tell his mother and sister to go hang. Time to be tiger mother. Maybe repeat the 'how dare you's and ''I've been very patient's you are using on his sister to him. He needs to know that pissing you off is going to be much worse for him than pissing them off.

"The last thing I want to do is upset her."
No, you need to flip that. You need to make it clear to her that the last thing she wants to do is upset YOU.

"She has just bought the house opposite ours!"
Then you need to get your boundaries in place ASAP. Enforce them ruthlessly and give no quarter. She's staging an invasion FFS - pull up the drawbridge now. No more unannounced visits - stop her at the door, 'not a good time now', yadda yadda yadda, door closed in her face.

You need to stop being a doormat. ((((hugs))))

Move house,mfar far away.

OK, you can't really do that. Keep her at arm's length as far as you can. Stop inviting her round for dinner. If she turns up, tell her now's not a good time and you'll phone her.

Or just tell her that she's being really overbearing and you want her to step back. If she strops, tell her she needs to grow up. You can do it nicely, or you can be blunt as fuck.

If someone kept waking my baby I'd kick them out; at the very least they'd get a good talking to. If she went whingeing to MIl, then I'd tell MIL exactly why I'd done it. I'm quite happy to look like the bad one.

She has bought the house opposite

Stevie - you in trouble girl!

STOP inviting her over all the time, what's wrong with you? She has serious boundary issues and you are encouraging her! Tell her you are having problems with DDs sleeping pattern and from now on, nobody is to "pop in". If she knocks on the door, just don't answer it. A knock on the door is not a bloody summons, you don't have to let anyone into your home especially if they are batshit

I would also recommend Major Distraction in the form of every single man you know. Line 'em up, surely one of them will fancy her and take her off your hands?

Big Girl Pants. You have to get form here or she is going to make your life a misery. Good Luck!

firm

Tell me OP... does her buying a house opposite you have any connection with where you and your family live?

If so, you need to take action.

I'd go out a lot.

I'd also get some blackout blinds and not answer the door a few times. If she or MIL ask why just answer 'Sorry, we were sleeping."

Repeat a lot. They'll get bored eventually.

No, you aren't being silly. My advice is toughen up with what you expect from her and stand your ground. You don't have to be rude; just be firm(er)
She has moved nearer and is popping over more? Then you definitely need some new boundaries!
As for FB and posting pictures of a child that isn't hers...
Did she ask you before going ahead and posting?

It's lovely for your DC to have a doting Aunt but we all need boundaries and some people will push push push. You are the mother, so doting Aunt or not it's time to put those boundaries in place.
Good luck.

Same advice for any issues with your MIL. Don't know why your SIL would tattle-tale back to her mummy. Oh hold on a sec...it's because she can! And she gets away with it.

I do tell her no, and she still goes against it. If I carry on she will have a strop and then we will have MIL calling up and it would all be my fault

Ah this was mil and myself a couple of years ago. There is no easy way around this with out someones nose bring pushed out of joint.

Ultimately your kids are yours and you have to throw your weight about a bit if you want to have the alpha mother role (with your own kids) as a gentle approach does not work with prople like this. They rely on folk not wanting to make a scene or other people to fight their battles for them.

Dig deep for your courage and practice things that you know you will say " leave her be SIL she is sleeping - no honestly leave her' cue direct look in eye. I had a around a ten second stare off with my mil over her taking dd out of my arms while she was asleep as she had just got in the habit of walking over and taking her with out even asking.

Things will get a bit rocky but you have to stand your ground. Good luck!

You need to talk to her. face to face.
Say,
"look I like having you around, Its lovely that you love OUR child, but I will have to ask you to respect my wishes. It is OUR baby, not yours, We will be having days out, & being a family, & it's what families do. Husband doesn't want to make waves as he is SORRY for you.
But this fb posting & waking dd & feeding her shit I am NOT happy with has got to stop.
& please don't run off & tell stories to MIL, it doesn't change a thing.
MY BABY, MY RULES"
& if she is constantly at your house, she will never get to meet anyone & possibly have her own

If the Facebook photos really bother you, you can anonomously report them for containing photos of children without their parents/guardians permission. They will then come down pretty quite.

*quick

I'm sorry for her in a way, she is clearly very lonely and she's invested herself wholly in your family and your child and she's using you and dd to meet all her emotional and social needs....

However that's not your job and does not make it your responsibility to fulfil them. In the nicest way, she needs pushing gently back over the boundary to realise she needs to do something about meeting her own needs herself and filling her own life better rather than clinging to you and wanting you to do it for her.

She won't like it. Her ideal of the situation is the same as it is now, but more. But a three way marriage and parenting deal isn't fun for you, it isn't in the long term good for her and you can gently tell her that part! She needs to have her own life, not try and hide in yours. You can hold her hand while she joins a dating site, some groups, makes friends, whatever, but this kicking off if you're busy - that's completely unacceptable and unjustifiable and needs a firm hand. She's not your child.

Thank you for all your comments.

Some had me really chuckling

Obviously my children come first, they are always priority. When she wakes baby, it is always her 'popping to the loo' or 'given DS a kiss goodnight' who would still be awake in bed, and then she's up with baby in arms bringing her down.
It's always behind my back and I have told her multiple times not to do it.
I invite her for dinner once a week as she doesn't know anyone in the area, and she can't cook. It is only whilst she settles in and I don't mind that one night for a few hours.

We moved away from where we are originally from by about half hour, I'm sure she only came this way to be closer to us.
Although we are moving another hour away. This was discussed before she even moved in and apparently we need to get a spare room for when she stays.

It's the unexpected visits I can't put up with.

She has always been 'the princes' to her parents and is very spoilt if things don't go her way.
She comes across and very rude and bratty to people, and I think this is her problem in meeting anyone.
I've tried asking her to do things without the family, in order to help her meet someone but she always refuses. I've told her to join online dating etc

We went to the zoo the other day and she kept calling which we ignored. Turns out her and IL's decided they were coming and were looking for us. DP did pull them on that one.

It's getting to the point where as even when husband is at work on a Saturday I'm going out early morning so I haven't got her hanging around my arse.

Agree with INERTIA........l would never let any family member or friend wake my sleeping baby, nor should you....you really need to stand up to her.

Your baby needs you to keep the world away when he/she needs sleep/ calm etc.

Sil sounds stalker ish in her behavior, put a stop to the endless dropping in, make set times to meet that suit you both and stick to them, explain you are starting a regular sleep /feed routine if you feel the need to explain ( l wouldn't)

When she inteferes say firmly.... please leave this to me... and repeat as neccessary. Every time she says.. My baby... say you are her special auntie but she is not your baby, please call her my neice. Be immoveable and calm and correct her every single time, be even more immoveable in the face of a strop, it will be good training for the toddler stage!

If MIL complains say calmly ..l have asked SIL to call her niece , her niece not my baby, as it upsets ME. You have the right to be upset too you know.

Get tough with DH/Dp, tell him you will not toleratre him not backing you up and standing firmly with you on this, make a plan together and make him stick to it.

I fear if you don't deal with this problem now it will grow into a huge issue, by being afraid to tackle the beginning of this issue you are letting it escalate.

Just read you are moving an hour away....lucky escape l think.....any spare room must be an office full of stuff, very full.!

I think it's lovely she feels that way my dp's family don't really bother with his children and certainly don't with mine , she inculded your son as well I think that's lovely. I've felt really excluded from partners family in the past as they were not nice or welcoming at all so that might be why I think it's lovely she is like that. I can understand it may be annoying but I would be beyond grateful for a sil like that personally, she could be all jealous as she doesn't have little ones yet and be mean to you and try and drive a wedge as I've experienced before

An hour away? She doesn't need to stay bit can visit you in a day, or even a morning/ afternoon.

I don't think an hour away is far enough......................

"When she wakes baby, it is always her 'popping to the loo' or 'given DS a kiss goodnight' who would still be awake in bed, and then she's up with baby in arms bringing her down"
Well now she lives across the road, when she mentions going to the loo I'd be telling her 'Well can you please go across to your own loo, I'm not having the baby woken.' Stare her down if need be, and tell her to leave if she wakens her.

I think you need to start being very blunt with The Princess.