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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being silly? SIL

84 replies

Steviea88 · 11/08/2016 12:11

I've been a lurker here for a while but this is my first post so please go easy Grin

My SIL is in her early thirties and single. She definitely wants her own children But unfortunately she has just not met the right person yet.

Anyway, I have a DS from a previous relationship and now have a DD with husband. She is now 6 months old.

The thing that is really getting to me is how over the top SIL is with DD. She has literally sprinted through a shopping mall to get to the baby after not seeing her for 2 days.
It's like she needs to prove to people (I don't know who) that she really loves her.
She tries to undermine anything I say.
'No, please don't pick her up she's settled'
'Please don't feed her that...'
And still continues to do as she pleases. I just keep quiet as not to cause an argument.

She constantly calls my DD 'My Baby' and posts hundreds of photos on Facebook.
She so so p*ssed off when she wasn't asked to be godparent and had a strop for the whole day (we had no family, and she's not religious and priest needed to see certificates anyway)

It may all sound a bit silly, but everyone has noticed it. Family, our friends.
She sees us at least twice a week so it's not like she doesn't see her much.
She will come unannounced to our home and If the baby is asleep she has no qualms about waking her up.

The thing that has got to be today is that it's MIL birthday. SIL has posted photos on Facebook of DS and DD with MIL and the usual happy birthday, we love you etc.
But she has decided to put 'to the best nanny in the world, we both love you lots'
AIBU to think that this isn't her place to do so?
Obviously DD is the 1st grandchild for his parents and I think that that should come from me and DP?

I know in lucky to have someone love my children as much as us but sometimes it's so overbearing and I feel like she is trying to take over!

Should I say something ?

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 11/08/2016 13:07

She's trampling all over your boundaries OP.

You need to be firm with her, ignore her strops and if MIL rings to discuss it, firmly tell her that you will not tolerate anyone including her purposely waking YOUR baby up.

Has she not got any friends?

Notagainmun · 11/08/2016 13:07

My Sil and MIL tried this shit taking DC into another room and if I would go and see what was happening walk into another room. It came to ahead when MIL took DC out of my arms when feeding saying that's enough now. I hit the roof so did DH. Things changed from then on.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 11/08/2016 13:08

I have a colleague a bit like this - especially the facebook thing. For her, it is part of a massive need for attention though - she can't stand anything that isn't All About Her. I sympathise with you OP as I find it exhausting and I'm just on the periphery.

trafalgargal · 11/08/2016 13:14

Wake my baby after been told not to .....door now .
Your baby, your home, your rules. Who on earth does she think she is?

gleam · 11/08/2016 13:20

I agree with Inertia. You need to be able to upset her, if necessary.

And if I only had one day a week with dh, I wouldn't be having SIL over every time. Maybe once a month.

Naicehamshop · 11/08/2016 13:20

TBH she sounds extremely odd.

Yes, she is probably lonely but she is making you feel unhappy and worried. You need to put a stop to this now, and your DH definitely needs to step up; I would be almost more annoyed with him than her! He needs a massive kick up the arse and you need to get much firmer with her. Good luck. Flowers

jay55 · 11/08/2016 13:22

If she spends all her free time with you or her parents how is she going to meet anyone to have a family with?

Your DP needs to step up and tell her to back off. Babies need sleep ffs.

Chippednailvarnishing · 11/08/2016 13:27

You don't have a SIL problem, you have a DP problem...

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2016 13:28

She knocks on the door and baby is asleep.
You: Sorry you can't come in as DD is asleep
Her: Why?
You: Because you insist on waking her up and have no idea about her sleep patterns and why she needs her naps
Her: OK then I won't wake her
You: If you do you won't be allowed in this house again whilst she is sleeping. Is that clear!? I am happy to have a cuppa, watch TV, have a chat with you but any sign you are trying to wake DD and I'll ask you to leave.

Harsh? Yes but you need to put your boundaries in place here.
She needs to find some friends of her own.
She'll never find someone to have a baby with if she's constantly with you or the IL's!

BothBarrels · 11/08/2016 13:35

I completely agree with Inertia. It is indulging her and it is not what your baby needs. I don't have kids but I think this is quite concerning.
I would sit her down and frankly air your concerns, it is hard to tell the truth but she knows what she's doing, remember that. If she were unaware that this behaviour isn't appropriate she wouldn't have a strop when challenged about it. Set your boundaries. There is nothing to be gained from holding an adult less responsible than they are.

THirdEeye · 11/08/2016 13:39

She may well be helpful but it comes at a cost OP.

It's also very weird that she has bought a house opposite to you....that coupled with what you have described, I would personally find suffocating.

Her behaviour is being enabled and it needs to stop. Firstly, your DH needs to speak to her and I wouldn't invite her over as much for Christ sake you are neighbours.

and maybe suggest that she tries OLD

rollonthesummer · 11/08/2016 13:40

That would drive me bonkers! She needs to get a life of her own as well.

JudyCoolibar · 11/08/2016 13:40

I do tell her no, and she still goes against it. If I carry on she will have a strop and then we will have MIL calling up and it would all be my fault.

So what if she has a strop? Or indeed if MiL calls? All you need to do is to say "Look, she wanted to wake up DD and it's bad for DD, so I said no. It's not up for discussion."

You absolutely need to stop asking her round so much. As pointed out, it's not doing her any favours if her world is limited to her family. If anything, it might be better if you try to suggest an activity that you can both go to without children to help direct her attention elsewhere.

AvocadoFlapjack · 11/08/2016 13:43

I do tell her no, and she still goes against it. If I carry on she will have a strop and then we will have MIL calling up and it would all be my fault.

I have asked DP to have words before but when it comes to family he has no balls and won't say anything and I look the bad one.

This is your problem.

champagneplanet · 11/08/2016 13:46

Agree with hellsbells. It's time to get firm, control the situation. Be strong but nice, she'll get the message eventually, eg; Tell her when she's going to be able to hold baby (when she wakes up).

It's great she loves DD so much, you may find yourself with a much needed babysitter from time to time so don't spoil the relationship. Can you not chat to MIL about this? Tone it down obviously.

One thing that does concern me is your DS, how old is he? I hope he's not getting pushed out by her.

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/08/2016 13:51

She sounds lovely but incredibly immature. She's the sort of person, who needs reigning in. The more leeway you give, the more she will push the boundaries. If this behaviour is upsetting and disruptive to your family, it has to stop. Your pils do not have the right to tell you off. You are adults now and it sounds as if they all need to seriously back off.

rollonthesummer · 11/08/2016 13:53

What on earth is mil realistically going to say to you?

'Doris says you don't like her waking up the baby. That's completely out of order of you!'

You can just reply- 'yep- We don't like people waking up the baby when it's asleep.'

diddl · 11/08/2016 13:55

I'd have to be too busy to see her at mine & visit her at hers on your terms.

Rubies12345 · 11/08/2016 14:00

You know, I would probably phase her out. Cancel some things and make contact once a fortnight or so.

This sort of obsession's not healthy.

228agreenend · 11/08/2016 14:01

You sound like a kind person and someone who,is a people pleaser, and doen't like confrontation (I'm like that also!).

However, know you have a baby, you need to out your family first, and be tougher. There are some good phrases and suggestions on what to say to her.

I also think,you need to have her less visiting you. Encourage her to try a new hobby so she develops her own friendship,group. Her life is not your responsibly, although I appreciate you care for her.

SuperBoppy · 11/08/2016 14:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My MIL refers to my DD as "her little girl". She's not, she's mine. I would assume anyone introducing a child as "their little girl" was introducing Their daughter and it pisses me right off. I did tell her I didn't like it and she stopped (to her credit) but I hate it when she says "my" anything... "my beautiful", "my precious" - SHE'S NOT YOURS!!!

I think your SIL is out of order undermining you too, a quiet (and then maybe not so quiet) word needs to be had. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/08/2016 14:12

Hmm, I had similar problems with a relative. And like you I pitied them for their childlessness and put up with them overstepping boundaries.

I look back and think WTAF? She doesn't care about you. She doesn't even really care about your baby; she is just a dolly for her own gratification, not a person with needs that must be met.

You really, really need to nip this in the bud now. I wish I had had the collective wisdom of Mumsnet behind me when I was a young mum.

Roussette · 11/08/2016 14:19

OP you are toooo nice!

She's bought a house opposite you
She always wakes up baby even when you've said not to
She has a strop if she can't be involved in your family whenever she wants
She moans to her Mum so that your MIL rings you
You are made to feel guilty if you go out as a family without her
She feeds your baby inappropriate things
She tells you how to bring up your baby
She plasters photos of them all over FB acting like she is the parent not you
And I bet that's just the half of it...

This smacks of 'hand that rocks the cradle' and who knows what she will be saying to your baby when she is older and she babysits? probably insisting she calls her 'Mummy'

You need to set boundaries. And fast.

SuperFlyHigh · 11/08/2016 14:28

You need to put her in her place and encourage her to get her own life. Any strops ignore.

For what it's worth a few years ago I tended to be moody and throw the occasional strop and turned out I had an un-diagnosed underactive thyroid coupled with bad PMT problem which made me very moody etc - mood swings - now I'm on medication for the thyroid I am a lot better, but I also had to be told a couple of times 'don't behave that way' - but my filters and behaviour were certainly never as off as your SIL's are.

It does smack a lot of attention seeking. You could encourage her to internet date/get more friends etc but ultimately as both she and your family know - both of those aspects of her life are down to her to solve.

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