AIBU or is my OH an insensitive arse?

[janey77]

Sorry for the long rant but need to get this off my chest!!!! This evening, my 5 year old asked me if she was fat because her belly sticks out a bit. She knows that fat is a word we don't use to describe people in our house because it is mean. I explained that people have different body shapes etc...Just before bedtime she asked me again, and I queried why she was asking. She told me she had seen her Dad trying a new top on and had asked him why his belly stuck out a bit. He said it was because he was a bit fat and when she asked him about her belly he said she was a bit fat too....I had tears in my eyes when she told me, but she said "it's okay mummy it doesn't bother me"...…this is the same response she gave me when she was in nursery and some older girls told her she was "a big fat girl". I am fucking fuming about this. She has got a bit of a belly, but she is very tall ( I'm 5"9 and she comes up to my ribs), broad shouldered and otherwise quite solid/muscly built. She does a karate 3 times a week, has swimming lessons and would play out 24/7 if she could. She doesn't eat rubbish, so I just think having a little belly is the hand nature has dealt her. I am so angry at OH right now I could just punch him in his stupid face, firstly for using a term I hate, secondly for potentially giving her a complex and thirdly for reflecting his own problems with his body image onto a 5yr old....I'm so angry I've hardly been able to speak to him all night, and I'm glad he's had to go bed early for work in the morning, cos I don't think I could have held my tongue much longer (im so cross I couldn't even bring it up in a civilized fashion without calling him a bit of a cunt!!!). Please tell me it's not just me who thinks this is wrong??

My dad used to call me fat, and make comments about how much bigger I was than my mum had been (she was about a size 4 gym teacher). He wasn't being malicious, he's just an insensitive idiot who thought he had a right to comments on people's bodies, and compare them to how people were when rationing was in. It resulted in me dressing only in baggy clothes and hating my appearance for years. Worst thing is, that I now realise I was quite an attractive teen and with a bit of confidence could have had a much better time of it.

Now, he understands VERY clearly that if he makes comments like that to my DD I will skin him alive.

It sounds like your daughter is fine with it, but your issues (whatever they are) are causing you to blow things out of proportion. Some of your responses in this thread have been staggeringly over the top, just because people disagree with you!

pinkyredrose I call him that all the time but he don't listen. He says back to me that he loves me and id he didn't say it then he doesn't care about me. Last night I told him I am going to try to lose some weight because I am ready to now. He has been on at me since January but I refuse to lose it for him I have to do it for me.

My DH would use the word "fat" if he was overweight or if one of us overweight. For him, it is simply a factual statement not a value judgment. He once described me as fat (a factually accurate comment) and I said would you speak to your friends like that. He was puzzled and said yes, it was the same as saying they were tall or going bald, it was descriptive.

Your DH may not have ascribed the same values to the word "fat" that you have. So you might see fat as a negative value judgment and he might see it as a statement of fact. I think women are more sensitive around the use of the word because women tend to be judged much more intensely on their appearance and being fat has more serious negative connotations for women than men.

His comment was clumsy but your reaction was also disproportionate.

Wow I really can't believe some of the replies here. Aibu can be really cruel sometimes. janey77 I completely agree with you, the word Fat is not used in this house either and my husband would have more tact and sensitivity to even suggest to our daughter she is fat. I'm sorry your oh said it hun. It is destructive and unnecessary to call a child Fat. It is not acceptable for a Mother (or Father) to be called Fat in front of their children either. If there are issues, which I don't believe there are here, then parents can address these by adjusting diet and exercise. It sounds to me like the Father is projecting his own body issues on to the daughter, just like other parents are by thinking it's an ok word to use to their children. I grew up with parents constantly telling me I was fat and a Mother obsessed with her weight. The thing is I wasn't fat, but I have become bigger because you need positive affirmations about how strong your body is and that food is for fuel than to be ridiculed for being Fat. I have a daughter now and I would never bring her up in the kind of environment I was bought up in. I don't think some people will ever truly understand how you feel, they'll just quote statistics on obesity that the government have given. Because clearly calling kids fat to date has been so helpful and constructive, and there really isn't an obesity problem. So yep, carry on with that ridicule as it's clearly working to resolve obesity
Sending you op

You're very lucky it never affected you Pearlman.

Nothing like name calling to something you don't like WorraLiberty

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Would be so nice if that could be done without name calling. I normally don't post on aibu as I see how nasty some people can get. Seems I was proved right here. Just wanted to support the op.

5 years olds normally have a sticky out tummy without being fat. DD2 who is seven had one until about a year ago and she is tall and slim.

It isn't wise to comment on body shapes of children or ourselves or others negatively (or at all if possible in terms of value judgements) in front of them unless you want to create body image and self-esteem problems.

And DD2 got upset because someone at school said she had a fat tummy last year. She had always been at the low end of the healthy BMI range.

Sounds to me like dad was just having a matter-of-fact conversation with his DD. It's probable that he doesn't have such negative associations with the word fat as the OP due to societal pressures on women not to be fat that can pass a lot of men by. Using words correctly and in a non-judgemental way isn't wrong.

I have no idea of the OP's DD is fat or not, but I do think the OP perhaps doesn't understand how people become fat, given her total focus on her DD's physicality, ignoring what it is that she eats, which is what will or won't cause her to be overweight.

Indeed, I see plenty of chubby sporty kids around.

But really, grown women getting upset because their child is called fat? What is that all about? If they are skinny, then teach them the resilience to laugh off silly comments. If they are, in fact, on the chubby side, then it is down to you, as the parent so sort it out. Weeping won't help.

Can I just call bullshit on this?:

how many truly fat fiv year olds are there
*
Lots.

Five year olds should not have big bellies.

The ones that do are fat.*

My 6yo DS has a rounded tummy. The child is underweight. He was admitted to hospital for something unrelated and weighed recently. Doctors were giving me the side eye, before they realised I do feed him.

OP your dh is teaching your child that being fat means having a slightly rounded belly, so when she hears the word fat, or even 'you're fat' she thinks 'yep, my belly is a bit round' and nothing more. YOU are teaching your child that being fat is a horrible thing, that should never be mentioned, and that it's so hurtful that when you hear the word you cry and get upset. If she gets body image issues, it'll be from your massive emotional overreaction to the word fat, not from a brief and honest comment from your dh.

Have you thought about why you are so hung up about the word fat? Have you had eating disorders now or previously? Or are you possibly in denial about your dd? If she is 5 and has a round protruding belly as well as being generally tall and large, she is probably over-nourished (over-nourished children do tend to be taller as well as fatter). Perhaps you could keep a detailed food diary for her to work out her Calorie intake, and then check it against what a child of her age should be having - obviously check from a reliable source. You clearly have a massive issue with this. Do something practical with it instead of giving your dd issues and ruining your marriage.

janey77 is almost certainly Candygirl39. Assuming 77 is the year of birth, she'd be 39 years old. And a second account which turns up, posting in the same style as the OP, just to defend them. Pull the other one.

I think what your DH said was factual and pretty ok. Plus he's a grown up who shouldn't have to have his vocabulary scrutinised by his wife. By all means refuse to use the word 'fat' yourself but it does sound like you have some sensitivity about your daughter's size. Tbh however you dress it as 'chunky' 'broad' 'sturdy' it does sound like she may have potential problems in the future. If this is the case you won't do her any favours by sticking on your rose tinted specs.

Candygirl39, hysterical much?

Assuming 77 is the year of birth, she'd be 39 years old

Sorry I have to take major issue with this statement I was born in 77 and I am only 38, only 38 do you hear

Blimey it's a bit Punch and Judy on here ....

MickeysMinnie, you are right to point out that it's a problem when a five year old feels the need to reassure her mother.

Op, I fear you may have left the tread, but have you done a BMI calculator for your dd? Then you can reassure her that she is not fat, or you can begin to make some simple changes if she is towards the higher end of the scale. Might be the best way forwards for your peace of mind?