AIBU or is my OH an insensitive arse?

[janey77]

Sorry for the long rant but need to get this off my chest!!!! This evening, my 5 year old asked me if she was fat because her belly sticks out a bit. She knows that fat is a word we don't use to describe people in our house because it is mean. I explained that people have different body shapes etc...Just before bedtime she asked me again, and I queried why she was asking. She told me she had seen her Dad trying a new top on and had asked him why his belly stuck out a bit. He said it was because he was a bit fat and when she asked him about her belly he said she was a bit fat too....I had tears in my eyes when she told me, but she said "it's okay mummy it doesn't bother me"...…this is the same response she gave me when she was in nursery and some older girls told her she was "a big fat girl". I am fucking fuming about this. She has got a bit of a belly, but she is very tall ( I'm 5"9 and she comes up to my ribs), broad shouldered and otherwise quite solid/muscly built. She does a karate 3 times a week, has swimming lessons and would play out 24/7 if she could. She doesn't eat rubbish, so I just think having a little belly is the hand nature has dealt her. I am so angry at OH right now I could just punch him in his stupid face, firstly for using a term I hate, secondly for potentially giving her a complex and thirdly for reflecting his own problems with his body image onto a 5yr old....I'm so angry I've hardly been able to speak to him all night, and I'm glad he's had to go bed early for work in the morning, cos I don't think I could have held my tongue much longer (im so cross I couldn't even bring it up in a civilized fashion without calling him a bit of a cunt!!!). Please tell me it's not just me who thinks this is wrong??

Completely agree with you trapped

Just because she does a lot of sports, does not mean that she may not be a little bit overweight.
Your oh could have worded it better, but your reaction was massively over the top.
Banning the word, going off at someone saying it to your dd,that will impAct on her negatively.

Are you not pissed of with the bullys at school

I got the impression that the children were nursery aged so I am not sure it would be bullying-would it?

Children of that age are more inclined to say it as they see it, rather than setting out to be intentionally cruel.

All kids have pop bellies when they are young unless they are doing ab work outs.

Umm, not true.

Rant away! Your dp hasn't handled the situation well.

But after you've calmed down a bit, I really would consider working out a shared strategy to ensure you help your DD navigate a world with an incredibly unhealthy attitude towards beauty, body image, women, weight, fat, health, guilt, blame, and personal responsibility.

Because your dd will be hearing and influenced by cultural values and messages from many different sources, even at 5 yrs old.

I'd question the banning of words and the avoidance of subjects altogether. That means your voices aren't heard in a sea of other people's voices, and media, society in generals.

Banning words in the long term can have the opposite effect from minimizing or dismissing what she will see with her own eyes and hear with her own ears outside the home.

Laying down a blanket of silence creates an atmosphere where fat is loaded with even more strength and intensity, which could be diffused if they were less taboo and less emotionally loaded.

So unless it's to intervene in a harmful situation as the one Somerville mentions, then I'd seriously reconsider the outcome of giving this word such power... Being overweight should never be seen as being 'so bad it has no name'.

It's up to us to show our children that fat is just fat, and shouldn't be so awful it cannot be spoken about... Remember the whole 'He Who Should Not Be Named' thing in Harry Potter?!

And if you can forgive me quoting JK Rowling...

There was an ace TED talk on the increasing need for parents / families to be increasingly vocal and explicit about their own values and attitudes to life, to act as a counter balance to the overwhelming amount of (unhealthy/ negative) loud messages and persuasion children are exposed to everyday. That parents cannot rely on their children absorbing positive and healthy values and attitudes just by osmosis... and the necessity of parents having to be very visible and loud to teach their own values in a world where so many other messages are bombarding our children day in day out. And how maintaining a dignified silence is a very risky strategy, as it doesn't actively help children navigate such a difficult landscape, and it allows children especially as they enter their teens to drift away towards the louder siren call of unhealthy /dangerous affiliations etc.

Stevefromstevange that is true its when they get older. Primary schoold do tend to dismiss behaviour and call it something else. A child has to learn to take responsibility for there behaviour at some point. The school my daughter went to got caught out when ofsted visited they had no book with incidents of bad behaviour or bullying. A lot parents complained.

Sommerville not all some. I didn't think when posting that I should have put some.

sunshine your partner sounds like an arsehole

mmm, I live abroad so I probably don't get the nuances of the English language anymore but I don't think a five-year-old child would necessarily mind being told that a protruding tummy is a bit fat. My dd had a protruding tummy until she was eight and she was never overweight, so I don't know if the child in question is overweight or not, but your reaction OP will make definitely her think it is a problem.

And she has reached out to her Dad and he has been honest with her.

"Reached out" . I'm sorry but that is one of the silliest things I have ever read on this forum.

You don't tell five year olds they're fat. You just don't. There's no excuse. If he has concerns he should be talking to you and between you THE ADULTS, you come up with a plan, if it is needed.

I don't understand the view that you should never tell a child that they're a bit fat, and in the context of the conversation in the op it doesn't sound as though it was said cruelly.

I agree that the parents should come up with a body image strategy together, but can't see how banning the word fat will be positive when it means that the only time the child does then hear "fat" is outside of the control of the parents.

There are many many fat / overweight / obese / "chunky" / "broad" / "bonny" / "well built" 5 year olds out there. Far more than their parents are prepared to admit (and I have looked after many of them for tonsillectomy surgery, because they snore so badly...)

While I agree you should not make a child feel bad about their weight, if a 5 year old has a tummy that sticks out it's entirely likely that your 5 year old is at the least overweight if not obese. The toddler sticky-out-tummy should be long gone by starting school. If your partner said he had a bit of a tummy because he was a bit fat, it's not a great leap to go to "am I a bit fat too then?" for a bright child.

Your reaction - tearing up, anger - is what will do the damage to her more than being told she has a bit of fat on her tummy, which you can easily manage by telling her some children have more fat on their tummies than others depending on whether they are about to have a growth spurt and need the stored energy for it or whether they have just had one and used it all up.

If she has a protruding belly but is otherwise within her normal BMI range then she can just be told she has a sticky-out-tummy because it's holding her intestines and organs and they all need to fit in!

If she is overweight then she needs to up the exercise a bit - without making a huge deal out of it - and grow into her size.

And I'm sorry, but as far as someone the age of five not giving a flying fuck - yes, they do. Children know when other children are larger or normal than their own concepts of "normal" in the same way that they know about colour and race and height. Every overweight five year old I have looked after has known they were fat. Every single one. But at that age they can't make the choices required to stop it becoming a life long issue. Their parents can.

Oh and karate three times a week isn't going to be nearly enough to counteract calorific intake. Otherwise I would be a slender sylph like thing (I do karate every day of the week, with 2-3h sessions at the weekends, on a healthy crap-free diet) and I am most definitely not. I doubt she's sparring yet (which is a whole new level of fitness training) - karate at that age isn't that cardiovascularly intensive. It's not sitting around, but it won't be burning much energy.

My boys do karate every day, 2-3h at the weekends - they aren't skinny shrimps either. They're muscular, toned and at the top of the healthy BMI range for their height and age though (8 & 10).

You don't tell five year olds they're fat. You just don't.
I talk to my kids (4 and 7) about the need to balance the energy in (food) with the energy out and how if you put in too much energy/food you store it as fat and if you put in less energy you use up the fat you have stored. They eat healthily and exercise, but the 4 yo (also going to be tall and broad shouldered and sturdily built) has an appetite way, way larger than can be satisfied and he needs to understand why he can't just keep having more food if he has already had a reasonable portion.
So yes, we do discuss it and we do occasionally use the word fat, but in the context of storing fat in your body which isn't healthy and makes the job your heart has to do much harder. We never talk about being fat linked in any way to body image though, and we talk about big and strong as a positive for girls as well as boys
.
I understand that you are annoyed at her Dad because he dealt with the question in a way you would not have, but if I were him I'd be equally angry with you for refusing to address a problem that, if not solved now, could cause my child a huge amount of heartache and ill health in the future.

You need to work out what the family message is, and you need to perhaps be a bit more open minded to the fact that his view is valid as well. Lots of people here can see both your points of view, so like it or not, you'll probably have to settle for a strategy somewhere in the middle. Remember, as well as the stats on how many primary kids are overweight and obese, the most frightening stat is the high proportion of parents who do not realise that their child is overweight or obese.

Hic 👏👏👏

Please read that OP.

he knows my policy (if you could call it that) and I think he should have known better

Blimey . With the best will in the world, do you think you might have some issues around weight / food or are you this controlling about other things too. It's ok to have words you don't like used, it's not OK to enforce those on other people without open discussion, it's not OK to cry in front of your 5 year old child because you disagree with her father to the extent that she has to calm you down.

If you don't like the word fat, that's up to you (I was like that about calling people stupid or idiots), but your reaction to both your husband and posters who disagree with you on here is completely disproportionate.

She doesn't eat rubbish, so I just think having a little belly is the hand nature has dealt her.

That struck me as quite strange. Nature hasn't dealt her a little belly. She's 5, it's puppy fat. I think it's premature to say what type of body shape nature has dealt her.

The fact you got so upset when your dd told you the conversation does indicate you are highly sensitive to any comments or thoughts towards your dd's shape. You need to think about why this is. It doesn't match with your assertion that her shape is just her shape.
If the truth is that you are worried that she is at risk of being over weight you need to accept that and be practical rather than trying to change the world and silence everyone around your dd. You simply can't.

I think you mentioned that she is pretty tall compared to you OP. Is her dad tall?

Being taller than her peers at that age can, I have been told, be a sign that a child is being over fed at that age.

I really don't get how he projected his problems onto her. You are assuming he was criticising her when he used the word fat.

However, she saw the tears in your eyes when she told you about her conversation with her dad. I think you have given that word far too much power.

Maybe you should examine whether your reaction to the word may contribute to the possible development of a complex in your DD, or whether it may render her super sensitive to the word if others use it.

Fat, skinny, ginger - they are all just words. Best to show that you are on top of words and not afraid of them, as your DH did.
She "asked him why his belly stuck out a bit. He said it was because he was a bit fat and when she asked him about her belly he said she was a bit fat too."
This is a perfectly fine, matter of fact response unless you have given the word a disproportionate power.

(Speaking as the mother of two gingers).

DD has a bit of a tummy. She's 8. We have desensitised the word fat. She knows mummy is a bit fat and daddy is a bit fat - none of us are in the obese bmi category. She is broad shouldered and tall and strong. She is incredibly active and would eat far more if I let her. She seems to be always hungry. She is conscious of her tummy though but knows she can talk about it. As she grows older, she is growing into her size as she was a bit too fat at age 5, a lot of this was because I was incredibly ill and couldn't cook so we had a lot of nuggets and convenience food. I still struggle to cook every day so DD has what I am able to do.

She was teased by a really skinny girl and we had another shapes and sizes discussion - the upshot was that she recognised the other girl is incredibly thin. I was that incredibly thin teen, looked anorexic and I was teased both for being overweight as a small chilled and for being stick thin later on as well. So nothing is cut and dried.

Op the best solution is really to desensitise the word fat. Right now your DD thinks it's ok to say her tummy is a bit fat, recognise and accept body size. I wonder if what you did actually did made her question that and introduce shame.

Someone upthread asked what should you say about a child's tummy - so Daddy's is fat and what about mine? Just say that children need little tummys to help them grow. And explain tummys come then we stretch and the tummys get smaller and then they come back before we stretch again (growth spurts).

There is a world of difference between being 'fat' and having a 5 year old's naturally round tummy! My 3 DCs have all grown the same way, they put a bit of weight on then have a growth spurt. My 6 yo DD regularly asks if she has fat tummy because it's round not flat and it breaks my heart because she is she actually skinny. Stems from some brat once in the playground calling her fat.

Regardless of whether a child is carrying too much weight you should never call them fat! It can have lasting consequences and a parent above all should know better. There are much more sensitive and appropriate ways to deal with weight issues in children.

I agree with Doingitfine. I think your hysteria over a word is far more damaging than the word in and of itself.
Do you always overreact to things that are slightly outside of your control or that don't follow your exact script? You need to take a really good look at why a 5 year old is trying to reassure you! That is far more worrying!

OP - I see where you're coming from and obviously the word "fat" is very highly- charged for you. But please don't over-react here as this will be more damaging for your daughter if she picks up on it.

I agree with PigletJohn - what would have been the right answer to your DD's question?

It's a very difficult line to tread sometimes.

My elder DD is a couple of years older than yours. She does ballet and is on the slim side of slim, I would say. We're starting to get concerned that she is increasingly asking questions relating to body image. At the same time, we're trying not to fuel the "problem" if there is one.

She will ask things like -

DD - "Daddy, am I fat today?"
DH - "Of course not darling, you're beautiful"
DD - "but am I more beautiful than mummy, or less?"

The questions will keep coming I'm afraid. My DH doesn't know what to say sometimes.

I certainly don't think you're DH meant to scar your daughter for life. He probably just meant something like, "Yes, we've both got a bit of a tummy, but that's ok. Nobody's perfect." Not how you would have wanted him to respond, but don't give him too much of a hard time.

what's your take on this op ? it seems to me that your dd has an old head on young shoulders and is clued up for her age on the matter, ime that is the way to go. the kids/adults that worry/tease/bully are the ones who have the problem with their own self esteem. banning words such as 'fat' isn't going to help in the long term as it is heard everywhere in some context. you seem very defensive and i can understand that when it's about your child but isn't it more productive to talk about these things at an level for her age and answer questions in a way she understands rather than glossy it over?