AIBU or is my OH an insensitive arse?

[janey77]

Sorry for the long rant but need to get this off my chest!!!! This evening, my 5 year old asked me if she was fat because her belly sticks out a bit. She knows that fat is a word we don't use to describe people in our house because it is mean. I explained that people have different body shapes etc...Just before bedtime she asked me again, and I queried why she was asking. She told me she had seen her Dad trying a new top on and had asked him why his belly stuck out a bit. He said it was because he was a bit fat and when she asked him about her belly he said she was a bit fat too....I had tears in my eyes when she told me, but she said "it's okay mummy it doesn't bother me"...…this is the same response she gave me when she was in nursery and some older girls told her she was "a big fat girl". I am fucking fuming about this. She has got a bit of a belly, but she is very tall ( I'm 5"9 and she comes up to my ribs), broad shouldered and otherwise quite solid/muscly built. She does a karate 3 times a week, has swimming lessons and would play out 24/7 if she could. She doesn't eat rubbish, so I just think having a little belly is the hand nature has dealt her. I am so angry at OH right now I could just punch him in his stupid face, firstly for using a term I hate, secondly for potentially giving her a complex and thirdly for reflecting his own problems with his body image onto a 5yr old....I'm so angry I've hardly been able to speak to him all night, and I'm glad he's had to go bed early for work in the morning, cos I don't think I could have held my tongue much longer (im so cross I couldn't even bring it up in a civilized fashion without calling him a bit of a cunt!!!). Please tell me it's not just me who thinks this is wrong??

Exactly Gwen

I have 3 DC and they all know that gaining and losing weight is just a natural part of life.

Weight has never been a taboo subject in my family and nor should it ever be imo.

As soon as kids see their parents brushing it under the carpet, getting upset, getting offended (where no offence was intended), never using the word 'fat' etc..etc.. Then it becomes 'a thing' and as soon as it becomes 'a thing' it becomes very difficult for the family to talk about and even more difficult to do anything about.

Some parents wouldn't turn a hair at discussing sex, drugs and anything else (age appropriately) with their kids, but ask about weight and it's like the child has just ordered a contract killing or something

I was just like you OP and my teen is now overweight. Just a word of warning. I thought I was doing the right thing.

Please tone it down DoinItFine**
You are being really rather unpleasant, for no reason not to cause upset as far as I can see.

If you have a constructive point then please do post it. The OP has come here to ask and question AND let off steam as we all need to do from time to time. We should be supporting each other not beating each other down. You can have a different opinion and still work it nicely.

OP- I would say speak to your OH about it tomorrow. I think is is a problem telling a 5yo that they are fat, but possible he was joking/teasing in a dad way without thinking. I know my dad never knew how much I took comments about my appearance to heart- he thought I knew he was joking.
And promote positive body image in your DD (I'm due you already do) tell her how strong and amazing her body is, make her proud to be fit and healthy. Puppy fat does go, I think a lot of 5yOlds still have a bit. X

He offered his opinion himself. He shouldn't project his own problems on her. I think it was a bit cuntish of him and I am angry with him, is that a problem with you?

I can see why you're angry but you also put your problems on her by tearing up, to the extent that she noticed and had to reassure you.

Can you not see that?

She only asked if she had a fat belly. You could simply have said, "Everyone has a different sized belly", and left it at that.

WorraLiberty okay, so if your OH was criticising one of your own kids (when you are supposed to love them flaws and all) it wouldn't upset you? If it doesn't then you'd have to be especially cold hearted, or have super perfect kids who are invulnerable to criticism??

"Why does your tummy stick out, Daddy?"
"Because I'm a bit fat"
"And why does my tummy stick out?"

What's a good answer to that one?

Puppy fat does go, I think a lot of 5yOlds still have a bit.

No. It. Doesn't. Always.

Why will some people not accept that?

A third of 10 and 11 year olds in England are overweight/obese.

Dismissing it as puppy fat might have worked in the 1970s but it certainly doesn't always work now.

WorraLiberty okay, so if your OH was criticising one of your own kids (when you are supposed to love them flaws and all) it wouldn't upset you? If it doesn't then you'd have to be especially cold hearted, or have super perfect kids who are invulnerable to criticism??

If you'd bothered to read my posts, you'd see that I think your DH is out of order for telling her she's a bit fat too.

However, your reaction does sound extreme and if you're not careful, your reaction (or possible denial) concerning your child's weight, could cause her just as many problems as your DH's comment might.

Wow post on AIBU, but don't dare disagree with the OP or anyone else with weight issues!!
Take a long hard look at yourself OP, you are making a big issue out of nothing. Your dd might just have a tummy (as does mine), but your reaction to this is totally off the scale. If anyone is going to be giving your dd a complex, take a guess, it's not your dh.

Im not dismissing the obesity issue, but it sound from the OP that it's a slightly rounded belly and not huge weigh issue.

And you'll notice I don't say all, I said most as that is my honest experience.
Obviously we all need to keep an mindful eye on what we feed out kids and how much sport they do. But it does does Doug like her DD is doing sport etc

And why are you bringing 'love' into it?

If a parent realises their 5 year old is overweight, accepts it and tries to change that, do you honestly think the realisation means they don't love their kids, flaws and all?

I'm guessing you perhaps have a history that involves a weight problem OP?

I get that it's a complicated subject but it really doesn't have to be for a 5 year old.

If she is overweight then try to help her now. That will do her health and self esteem far more good, than getting tearful or insulted or whatever.

Argh typos. But you get the gist.

Just trying to be helpful by suggesting she sleeps on it and has a chat to her OH. Not trying to upset anyone or start WW3...

'I had tears in my eyes when she told me'

You are making this huge....

He shouldn't have said it but your reactions are very extreme.

Thank you IAmSeriousAndDontCallMeShirley that sums it up exactly :)

WorraLiberty it's not me who had the weight problem so think again

Ok I've thought again.

So both parents have had weight problems.

Surely neither of you want your DD to have weight problems too?

Therefore you both need to stop projecting and re-think her diet, portion control and exercise.

She's only 5 so it shouldn't take too much tweaking.

WorraLiberty nope, I've never had weight problems. Seriously does she not get enough exercise for you? Did you not read what I posted originally?

Worr, are you not reading the OP's replies?

OP you keep describing your partner as having criticised your daughter, but he may well think that he was just answering her question in her a factual way. Yes, with an ill-advised word. But still a factually correct one.

Both my daughters pursue a sport which involves competing in a leotard. Lots of the (all very lean) girls start saying body parts of themselves or others are fat. So it's a banned word in this house, too. But my late DH was rubbish at remembering that. Not out of malice - to him it was just a word and he couldn't understand why he could say that butter is a fat but not that his stomach was getting fat.

You need to calm down and explain it to him.

And then you need to look at the charts that Worra referenced to see if your DD is overweight for her height or not. If not then it will be good to show your partner and DD that. If she is then don't panic and talk to your GP.

Seriously does she not get enough exercise for you? Did you not read what I posted originally?

The amount of exercise she gets is utterly irrelevant if she's overweight due to you overfeeding her.

Has she been weighed by the school yet you should have recieved a letter. My partner calls me fat all the time and in front of the children and they are still eating. She has been called it at school you have to try and normalise it and not make a big deal of it. Tell her she is very active and eats healthily and she has nothing to worry about. She will grow up with a lovely figure.

If you look at swimmers they have broad shoulders which they need for power and strength in the water.

Are you not pissed of with the bullys at school. What was your explanation to her then. You can't run away from the issue kids will be kids and they don't think. All kids have pop bellies when they are young unless they are doing ab work outs.