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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my partner out of order

113 replies

allthingsred · 10/08/2016 22:36

My dp gone away for 5 days today on a stag do. & He never bothered saying goodbye to me or our 3 dc, ate his dinner said he was gonna pop his suitcase round to his friends then would be back. Instead he has gone, no phonecall, no txt just gone.
Aibu or is that a really shitty thing to do just piss off for 5 days but not even say goodbye to his kids? I'm so cross with him right now. Think I need the space to calm down. I would never do that.just go without giving him or kids so much as a kiss goodbye. Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
sklooshy · 11/08/2016 03:09

It deserves a good reading the riot act and a serious consideration of how the relationship can move forward. I would stand as not forgiving until he shows he can be. Be strong op, go with your gut instinct. It's is a shitty thing to do, bet you wouldnt dream of it. Don't let him off easily

sklooshy · 11/08/2016 03:11

Nocake she is not a mug for ohs behaviour.

Vixyboo · 11/08/2016 03:22

Ask him why he didn't say goodbye. Ask him how he thinks your dc felt when he didn't come back and say goodbye.

Most likely he got swept up in the laddish excitement of it all. It doesn't make him a bad person, but he does need to be more considerate.

Splitting up over this is extreme.

avamiah · 11/08/2016 03:24

OP, I am right in thinking that you live together?
He is your partner and you have a home and family together?

SouthWindsWesterly · 11/08/2016 08:11

OP - it might not be a deal dreamer but you do need to give him that short sharp shock. Packing bags and putting keys in locks doesn't mean if shhing you marriage forever but it will throw a cold bucket over his head over the repeated disrespect to his families feelings. I hope it works out, I really do but unless you actually get through to him this time, it will happen again.

Oh - and the phone ran out of juice excuse? It rang before and TBH he could have actually sent you a text before it ran out, he knew he was in the wrong and didn't want to face up to it. Y

Enjoy your time with your kids

Florrieboo · 11/08/2016 08:12

It stinks of "easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"

So does this extra night make it 6 nights away?

SouthWindsWesterly · 11/08/2016 08:12

*deal breaker

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 11/08/2016 08:34

I'm a 42-year old man with no kids but this frankly appals me. I don't have any mates that I would a) go on a 5-day stag with and b) I would never, ever leave home without kissing kids (if I had any) or my partner (if I had one of those either).

What is it with the stag and hen dos that have to be abroad and have to take best part of a week. The stags I've ever been on have been the sort of golf in the afternoon and curry at night - nothing drunken at all. One bloke went to Dublin for an overnight but that was it.

Wishimaywishimight · 11/08/2016 08:49

Do you even have to ask?? Very odd and very nasty way to behave. How can anyone believe that's acceptable? If my DH did that I would absolutely not consider him to be a great person.

Sod the travel anxiety - that's just making excuses for unspeakably bad behaviour.

As for talking about how he will making it up to you - I had a friend who would do this. Her b/f would do something horrible, she would create a bit of a fuss, make him take her away for a weekend or out to an expensive restaurant or suchlike in order to make amends and the merry go round would continue. He would do it again and again, knowing the only consequences would be that it would cost him a bit financially and she would calm down again.

You are making this behaviour seem normal and acceptable - it's far from it. Look at it from your childrens point of view - effectively dad has abandoned them for the best part of week without caring enough to give them a hug and a kiss goodbye.

My2favboys · 11/08/2016 09:00

jeepers glad op has sensible head. mumsnet goto answer change the locks/pack his bag that will teach him for leaving the milk out.
op he was out of order. Maybe a couple of days after he gets back have a lovely family day. explain to him how rude and hurt you all were by him just leaving. He was just being selfish but probably didn't mean any hurt. You'll owe me £20 if he uses the line 'I didn't think' that one gives me the rage

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/08/2016 09:10

Travel anxiety? I've heard it all now

He's not a good dad or husband, he's a selfish, arrogant twat, off on the piss without a care in the world

We'll talk when I get back?? How fucking dare he?

You let it go last time, he knows you'll let it go again, and again, and again, and even worse, he's having a good laugh at you, what a knobber

Thelaundrylady · 11/08/2016 11:03

OP You already know that your DP has been monumentally selfish in this instance but we all know that in the real world no relationship is perfect.
If your relationship is otherwise good you need to make it absolutely clear that this behaviour will not be tolerated in the future , that he has to make it up to you and your children. I would also say plan a break with your friends and leave him with all of the family responsibilities for a few days. Make him suffer your wrath Wink

wizzywig · 11/08/2016 11:12

Or of course you could do the same back to him. "Just popping out to pick up some xyz. Be back in half an hour". Hey presto you are on a first class flight to new york. #Good times!

Nabootique · 11/08/2016 11:20

I'm confused as to why he needed to drop his case off the night before, if he wasn't planning on staying the night and was driving to the meeting point the next day anyway.

mydietstartsmonday · 11/08/2016 11:22

I am not sure I would agree to a 5 day stag do in the first place.

If DH and I are away from each we call as we get to the airport, before take off, on landing and when we get to the hotel. We call 2 or 3 times a day - my phone bill is quite high when I am in the US on business!!!!
Neither of us are needy, we fight like cat and dog, quite independent from each other but we like to hear each other's voice for a couple of mins and miss each other.

So with a wife & kids I would expect him to be much more communicative.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 11/08/2016 12:05

My2 - he didn't leave the milk out though did he. He has behaved like a selfish prick. It is okay to be angry when you realise that you're a second class citizen in your own relationship.

Marmaduchess · 11/08/2016 12:06

"So with a wife & kids I would expect him to be much more communicative."

You've presumably not come across stag does where there is a 'no calling wives or girlfriends' rule? It's all about the 'male bonding'. Hmm

(Mind you this guy sounds like he could be the kind of twonk who makes that rule rather than having it thrust upon him!)

Mybugslife · 11/08/2016 13:05

have you heard anything? or spoken to him at all?
I can't believe anyone would do that...more to the point why lie about being back in 10 and then turn your phone off. bit fishy to me!!

Original poster
allthingsred · 11/08/2016 13:25

Yes spoken to him. He rang & spoke to everyone this morning.
He knows he's a prize pig for going the way he did . & he knows when he gets back he's in for it big time
But I the meantime I'm gonna have loads of fun with kids. We've got some great days planned.
As I said before 12 years 3 kids & a house.
He's been a selfish pig here but we will work it out.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 11/08/2016 13:37

Until the next time.....

Bogeyface · 11/08/2016 14:52

Exactly Costa

By "work it out" you mean have a blazing row when he gets back, he will treat you to dinner or something and act contrite for a couple of weeks and that will be it. There is absolutely no incentive for him to not do this again is there? The fucker of an argument you had last time didnt stop him did it? And whatever happens, he has still had his 5 days away with his mates. I fail to see any kind of consequences for him at all.

For "Work it out" you mean "I will suck it up, again"

PerpendicularVincent · 11/08/2016 15:29

Spot on, Bogeyface

Figgygal · 11/08/2016 15:34

Yeah she should bollock him repeatedly when he gets back seriously What's the alternative kick him out/break up family Bit disproportionate don't you think??

molyholy · 11/08/2016 15:49

Depends on where you set the bar really. If my husband purposefully made the children cry, upset me and fucked off on a stag do for the best part of a week without a bye or leave, yes, I would be rethinking my marriage. I would be thinking he has absolutely no respect for me and why would I want to stay married to someone like that. If they had done it twice, then yes, I would be fucked off enough to contemplate the end of our partnership, because its not what I signed up for.