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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my partner out of order

113 replies

allthingsred · 10/08/2016 22:36

My dp gone away for 5 days today on a stag do. & He never bothered saying goodbye to me or our 3 dc, ate his dinner said he was gonna pop his suitcase round to his friends then would be back. Instead he has gone, no phonecall, no txt just gone.
Aibu or is that a really shitty thing to do just piss off for 5 days but not even say goodbye to his kids? I'm so cross with him right now. Think I need the space to calm down. I would never do that.just go without giving him or kids so much as a kiss goodbye. Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 10/08/2016 23:40

Are you going to accept this, OP? I think it's appalling

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2016 23:40

Bloke: does something shitty
Woman: gets upset

Woman: but he's a brilliant dad

Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/08/2016 23:46

Travel anxiety 😂 ah come on??? Nobody is this gullible

Rainbowunicorn73 · 10/08/2016 23:47

You see, you're already making excuses for him and thinking up reasons why it's not that bad and you're going to let him get away with it.
Stop!!
Are you happy being treated this way?
No?
Then please please do not make excuses for him as he will keep doing it.
A massive row last time didn't do it.
Anxiety over travelling? Right!!
Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he treats his family like rubbish he will lose them.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/08/2016 23:49

It's horrible. Even if he had been intending to come back and changed his mind and decided to stay the night, the least he could have done was to call and explain and say goodbye.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2016 23:49

He is (despite this) a really good guy, & a fantastic dad.

No he isn't.

Imagine if you found out one of the Mums from school did this to their kids.

Would you be saying she's a really good woman and a fantastic mother? Confused

I think your idea of 'fantastic' is a bit warped to say the least.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/08/2016 23:54

He's a fantastic father but my kids are sobbing because he's fuxked off for 5 days lads holiday (because 5 days isn't a "do" it's a holiday) without so much as a goodbye to them.

He's a fantastic father but he once dumped my kids at my place of work so he could fuck off on a similar jolly without being 100% sure I was even there.

How many holidays do you get OP? On your own no DH/kids. How many do they get?

What does he do that makes him "fantastic" I suspect what you consider "fantastic" is what many of us would call

a) mediocre at best
b) strategic incompetence (amazing at the fun stuff, crap at the graft)
or
c) his basic duty

CalleighDoodle · 10/08/2016 23:55

This is so sad to read. You ask if he is being unreasonBle towards his children. He is. You give another example of when he was very unreasonable towards his children. Then say he is a Brilliant dad. He isnt. But by you saying that and accepting it, your children learn that this is acceptable and this is what they base their future relationships on.

SouthWindsWesterly · 10/08/2016 23:55

He's done it once, got the riot act. You'd think he would have learnt. He's done it again. Regina's right - if you don't do something more, it will keep occurring as he has basically already been given the get out of jail card. Pack his bags, stick them in the garage and keep your keys in / change the lock. Text him to inform him thusly if you really want to. But I doubt the riot act will make any difference for the future unless there was real consequence.

You can be a shit spouse but a great parent. That doesn't mean that your OH ie you and the children should put up with the shit though.

Original poster
allthingsred · 10/08/2016 23:58

Thank you all.
Like I said when posted just needed reassurance that I wasn't going crazy & this is out if order.
I'm not a mug & I love my family very much. In the time I've been using mums net it's the 1st time I've had a nag about him.
Rainbow you are right. When he gets back things will be made clear & actually it's good I have this space to cool down.
A text takes 30 seconds there is no excuse

OP posts:
DamaskRose · 11/08/2016 00:09

Hope your dp ok of course.

If it's a repeat of last time, maybe he wants you to have all the anxiety and him to have all the fun during the 5 days you will be apart. It's an escalation of what he did last time as he did say goodbye to the kids last time. Not saying goodbye to any of you before leaving really keeps your focus on him and if that's what he wants, a row after is a price he wont mind paying.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2016 00:12

I think (and I'm honestly not putting the boot in here), the fact you needed reassurance that this is out of order when it so blatantly is, means you just can't see this sort of behaviour as anything other than typical of him.

In all honesty if my DH did this, I would be desperately ringing round the hospitals and police stations, as this is the last thing on earth most normal, decent parents would do to their kids or their partner.

Marmaduchess · 11/08/2016 00:23

Get a grip advisers. The man has behaved very badly but curtains for him? Really?

He hasnt cheated on the OP, he's not an alcoholic or a junky, he hasn't hit her. What he has done is behave childishly and irresponsibly like a twenty five year old singleton not a responsible adult and father of three children.
He has got ridiculously overexcited about this (fortunately) rare event and chance to play the schoolboy.

He doesn't normally behave like this, but nor is this the first time, its happened before, and those who say he will do it again are right and right to say its not good enough. BUT becoming a single parent family is almost certainly not the best option for the OP or her three dcs. He needs to be punished and made to repent not divorced.

I am sure angry MNrs can suggest ways to do that.
For start off I suggest no more stag holidays.

molyholy · 11/08/2016 00:23

Totally agree with Worra. This is a total minimisation of what a brilliant dad and partner would do.

it is neither normal or acceptable, but you seem to have already taken the stance of 'oooh the bastard. He's got some bloody well making up to do, the little bugger'. And the travel anxiety is a load of bollocks. I am an anxious flyer and been on a hen do for 2 nights 5 nights is a holiday and I said goodbye to my husband and child and sought reassurance from my loving partner that I was being silly about my fear.

Kateallison16 · 11/08/2016 00:24

Out of all of this OP the fact he turned his phone off so he didnt have to listen to your concerns really is the icing on the cake.

Im sorry but your husband doen not have "travel anxiety" he is just a selfish dick who could wait to get gone with his friends and block you all out of his mind.

But I will say this, if you just have abit of a strop and make him do chores to "make it up to you" then he is never going to show you any respect.
You can play the "hes a great daddy!" card but what sort of father walks out on a 5 day stag do and not even say goodbye to his own children?

making excuses for him OP is painful to hear and makes you sound really beat down.

I dont mean this to come out harsh but i dont think doing chores to "make it up" to you is very effective, hes not a child, he is a grown arse man with responsiblities.

I really do hope you find a way to sort this out and prevent it happening again. You and your children deserve better.

molyholy · 11/08/2016 00:25

He hasnt cheated on the OP, he's not an alcoholic or a junky, he hasn't hit her.

yeah, so just shut up and stop being a nag Hmm

Kateallison16 · 11/08/2016 00:28

Isnt very effective*

Marmaduchess · 11/08/2016 00:36

"yeah, so just shut up and stop being a nag"

I didnt say she should do that, but when 99% of the time he behaves well its quite extreme to dump him because of two instances of bad behaviour. She has three kids to consider.

Clearly just having a row and a sulk last time wasnt enough to shock him. This time he needs a big scare but I think the children should be protected from it, which changing the locks and packing his case is NOT going to do.

I dont have the impression the OP wants to leave him she just wants to be sure this wont happen again.

Original poster
allthingsred · 11/08/2016 00:53

Thank you all again
Marmaduchess is right. It's not everyday he acts like such a selfish pig.
I know how bad it is, but 2 fuck ups in 12 years I don't want to tear my family apart over it.
He's just rang, said his battery had died so was on charge which why no answer. & he'll be Skypeing kids in morning. He knows what he's done & knows we have to talk when he gets back.
Like I said I'm just going to enjoy my days with kids & not let it cast a shadow

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/08/2016 01:01

He hasnt cheated on the OP, he's not an alcoholic or a junky, he hasn't hit her.

Well I don't know about you, but this is the minimum level of basic human behaviour that I've come to expect from anyone I've chosen to have children with.

Why is it even worthy of a mention? Confused

As soon as you lower the bar and become grateful that the person you live with and have children with, isn't and addict and doesn't hit you...it has to be all downhill from there, surely?

sklooshy · 11/08/2016 01:40

Op I'm glad he has got in contact, at least your mind is at rest he is safe. I would ignore any contact apart from him styling dcs. When he does return let him to the leg work. How old is he?

sklooshy · 11/08/2016 01:43

Sorry.. Skyping*

Enjoy your time with dcs and be a lot smug about how much of a good time they had when he gets back. He's an arse, take plenty of photos of your fab 5 days together too. Make sure he knows he's not indispensable

Bogeyface · 11/08/2016 02:53

But dont you see that "I know we have to talk when I get back" is still part of the whole "Fuck it, i will do what I want and deal with it later"?

You know what? I bet if you where really honest with yourself, you could think of many instances of his selfish behaviour, because good husbands and fathers dont just pull shit like this out of the bag once every 6 years. They really dont.

Bogeyface · 11/08/2016 02:54

I meant to add that just because he isnt normally this bad doesnt mean that he is normally perfect.....

NoCakeLeft · 11/08/2016 03:03

Mug

Agree