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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About flatmates?

82 replies

Bearasarahus · 10/08/2016 18:59

Just moved in with two nice flatmates, never met them before but like them. We agreed to cook together so have done a weekly shop so far. The issue is that we have different preferences regarding meat (I'm happy to spend a bit more and get good stuff) but they're not bothered. Also they buy fizzy drinks and biscuits which I don't love but happy to suck that one up!

I also suggested that we meal plan but they're not bothered and just buy whatever and decide what they fancy that night. To me that kind of defeats the point of meal planning and weekly shopping!

Im worried one of them took offence when I mentioned (I hope politely!) about the ethical meat thing...

When I cook for myself though (and buy the ingredients) they're happy to eat it...

Should I just suggest I do my own thing?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 10/08/2016 20:04

As a veteran of house sharing I can assure you that is a shit idea and will probably end up more expensive. Maybe say you've a change of plans/time tabling and it doesn't work for you anymore. They can share themselves

thinkfast · 10/08/2016 20:09

Just say you're a very fussy eater and happy to share bread butter milk etc but other than that decided you prefer to do your own thing

NerrSnerr · 10/08/2016 20:12

I agree that shopping for yourself and doing own meals is easier. Whenever I house shared it was rare we were all home at the same time for meals by the time we'd settled in with work, hobbies, friends etc.

PlayNice · 10/08/2016 20:17

This sounds like a bad idea. I would say nothing right now, to avoid being The Difficult One, and bring it up when it comes to doing the shop next week. Hopefully they'll have come to the same conclusion. I'd be bloody surprised if not.

Queenbean · 10/08/2016 20:35

Just say you don't want to!! No lies needed

Original poster
Bearasarahus · 10/08/2016 21:43

One of them is a slight control freak and has given everything places in cupboard and in fridge, he very much wants us to share everything which includes eating my nice food

I'm worried that if I suggest separating it'll be a me and them situation? How to put it delicately? Ideally I want my own shelf in the fridge (there are three) and a bit of cupboard space but that's not how he wants it...!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearasarahus · 10/08/2016 21:44

We also all work similar hours and have v similar timetable so the whole different hours/commutes thing wouldn't fly!!

OP posts:
Roussette · 10/08/2016 21:59

It has to be like you say. I've shared flats lots, my DCs do and the ONLY way that works is a shelf each in the fridge, one cupboard each and do your own thing.

You have to say to your flatmate, that it isn't going to work for you... make any excuse, say you won't be eating much at home, or you are fussy, anything to get out of it. I wouldn't share anything to be honest because it always gets eaten by others.... so you want an omlette, all the eggs are gone. Milk's run out because someone drowns their cereal. And on and on.

Keep everything seperate then every now and again each offer to cook a meal, that bit's fun. But everyday meals are really not.

MimiSunshine · 10/08/2016 22:08

I'd go with a "it's not you its me" approach.

I.e. Sorry guys I know you'll think I'm a bit of a control freak said looking at the cupboard control freak but I really have to meal plan [insert bashful smile] so I'm going to bow out of the meal sharing. It's not fair on you guys as you're more go with the flow than me [another bashful smile] and I like to know what I'm cooking for the week ahead so I can shop for it.
So you guys carry on and I'll just take the top / middle or bottom shelf [delete as appropriate] in the fridge and this bit of cupboard for my stuff. (Don't ask, tell).

Wilfully misinterpret any resistance as them being "too nice" and just keep repeating that you don't want to 'inflict' your preferences on them so will go your own way but maybe say you really appreciate them being lovely and wanting to try to keep you involved [said with an 'awe you guys' expression] so maybe you could all have a joint meal together one Friday night or something.

Do this just before the next big shop, let them go on their own and you do yours separately. Ideally in a different store so you know which items are yours

Botanicbaby · 10/08/2016 22:15

OP you have to live there too so you can't just have it hoe he wants it.

I've house shared it was the best time of my life many happy memories. Cook for each other yes but don't shop and meal plan together it's not a good idea as PP say.
Allocate a shelf in fridge to you & don't let the food thing consume (ha!) you all, enjoy sharing it won't be forever.

Also you sound really nice & polite, don't be tooooo nice though as your flat mates could take advantage. Start as you mean to go on. Firm but fair over sharing arrangements. Good luck!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 10/08/2016 22:22

Don't go along with anything just because he's been vocal and expressed what he wants.

You pay equal rent and can decide how you want to buy and cook your food.

Tell them the shopping has made you aware that you're not comfortable with current arrangements as they stand.

Smurfit · 10/08/2016 22:44

I had a flat once where 4 of us would each decide on a meal to cook that week and buy the stuff for that plus basics. The other 3 nights we would fend for ourselves. It worked well for 4 or 5 months, then we all kind of concluded that it wasn't working for all of us and we simply stopped doing it.

Just say to them that it isn't working for you, you need a bit more structure and that because you're fussy (I don't really think you are but play that bit up I think, I'm fussy and it is most definitely easier to do it all myself) then it's also easier for them not to worry about you.

Then claim a shelf in the cupboard and fridge.

Maybe suggest you put in a small amount a week for basics?

Marmalade85 · 10/08/2016 23:13

Wtf? No. They are total strangers.

Original poster
Bearasarahus · 10/08/2016 23:17

We work together (it's complicated!)

OP posts:
cexuwaleozbu · 10/08/2016 23:22

Are you all graduate trainees for the same employer or similar kind of thing?

It sounds a bit too intense tbh - you need some down time/alone time when you get home (at least I do, I know there are some personality types that don't)

Original poster
Bearasarahus · 10/08/2016 23:25

Yeah exactly, that kind of thing. We were offered a good deal on a flatshare and snapped it up (employer is giving us good rates). I'm pretty tolerant though and one guy is v v full-on, which I'm struggling with. I think he sees us all as a family...?!

OP posts:
Blondie1984 · 10/08/2016 23:53

How about sharing basics (milk, bread, butter, spreads) but then just doing your own thing - at least then you are meeting half way

Bluechip · 11/08/2016 00:01

Oh gosh no OP this is never going to work. Suggest a kitty for tea/milk/coffee/loo roll etc but otherwise you need to be able to buy and cook your own tea. What if you just fancy a piece of toast or some soup?? The norm in flat shares is to have your own food and cook for each other every now and then when you're all in or offer people some if you're making a big lasagne/chilli or freeze the rest for yourself. Assuming you're not also going out together/staying in together every night it's just daft.

Suggest 'I'm not up for all sharing meals every eve as don't know what our plans will be. I'd prefer we cook together on a Sunday/Monday night and play the rest by ear.'

Don't worry too much though - I suspect after you've lived together for a month things will calm down..

Roussette · 11/08/2016 06:55

I honestly would join a gym class and not be there after work just to illustrate it's not going to happen!

No seriously, you just have to tell him. Because therein lies the way to huge rows! Sod the fact he thinks you're all family. OP you can do it, just do it! Sharing all the food like this is honestly the quickest route to falling out. Say that if you like... say that you're afraid it won't work, and you don't want to fall out.

Have a kitty for cleaning stuff and loo rolls because to not do that means someone ends up bearing the brunt of that. Without that you end up taking your loo roll back to your bedroom after using it... yep I've been there!

I knew it didn't work for me all those years ago when we got back from the supermarket and used a felt pen to put initials on all the eggs... Grin

lastqueenofscotland · 11/08/2016 07:53

In my years of doing this my best advice would just be saying "sorry that won't work for me." The end.

pictish · 11/08/2016 07:56

"I've had a rethink about the food arrangement and I'm going to bow out of the communal arrangement. It's not going to work for me as it's too much of a bind."

End of story.

Scarydinosaurs · 11/08/2016 08:02

^^ what pict said.

pictish · 11/08/2016 08:12

"Don't go along with anything just because he's been vocal and expressed what he wants."

Agreed. Just because he's presented it as a plan, it doesn't mean you have to go along with it. You are equals and it's not being awkward or contrary to reject the idea if it doesn't work for you. It is entirely reasonable to say you have had time to think about it and have changed your mind.

Don't apologise (I'm sorry but...) - you haven't done anything wrong and his wants aren't more important than yours.

Don't over explain (It's just that x y and z...) - that it will be too much of an obligation is fine. You don't need to explain yourself to him, he's not in charge.

If you want to you could suggest a weekly meal together taking turns to cook if and when it suits all three.

dustarr73 · 11/08/2016 08:18

Yes go by what Pictish wrote.You dont want to be tied to anything.Plus if you say something now it will be easier to nip other things in the bud.

Solasum · 11/08/2016 08:30

When I used to flat share we ate together once a week, on Sunday night, then took it in turns to buy washing powder, milk, spices, biscuits etc, and pay for the cleaner.

Own cupboards, own space in fridge.

If someone else was in while I was cooking, if I had enough food I might feed them too.

Cooking piecemeal is a really expensive way to eat. You could always claim poverty (due to unspecified student debts).