About flatmates?

[Bearasarahus]

Just moved in with two nice flatmates, never met them before but like them. We agreed to cook together so have done a weekly shop so far. The issue is that we have different preferences regarding meat (I'm happy to spend a bit more and get good stuff) but they're not bothered. Also they buy fizzy drinks and biscuits which I don't love but happy to suck that one up!

I also suggested that we meal plan but they're not bothered and just buy whatever and decide what they fancy that night. To me that kind of defeats the point of meal planning and weekly shopping!

Im worried one of them took offence when I mentioned (I hope politely!) about the ethical meat thing...

When I cook for myself though (and buy the ingredients) they're happy to eat it...

Should I just suggest I do my own thing?

[pictish]

This is an opportune moment to make pleasantly clear from the outset that you're not going to be steered by a full on (possibly needy) personality.

I have experience in having a domineering flatmate who started out just like this. I won't go into detail about how it all played out but suffice to say it's not something I'd have a problem with saying no to now.

[pictish]

Word of warning: If he does any of the following, beware...

Tries to persuade you otherwise
Appears put out, annoyed or 'hurt'
Sulks and/or withdraws from you
Tries to get other flatmate on side or bitches about you

Then he might actually be a bit of a handful.

[RainyDayBear]

I lived with a lot of flat mates and even with the ones I clicked with hugely, this would never have worked! Just plan to do the odd meal together - Sunday lunch or Saturday morning fry up for example.

[Hrafnkel]

pictish agreed.

My flatmate was v put out that I didn't want to, saw it as a snub and I am the ultimate Peale pleaser who found her protestations v awkward.

She would regularly ostentatiously look in the fridge and say loudly 'oh look, we've bought the exact same things this week!'

[YelloDraw]

PMSL that you agreed to cook and shop together with people you had never met before. ERROR. How oj earth did you think it would work out??? Different tastes, budgets, cooking abilities, timing of eating, different days in and out. Such a stupid idea.

Just say "this doesn't work for me, I'm going to buy and cook my own food"

[YelloDraw]

P.s. I have always sometimes shared meals wiht flatmates but on an add-hock basis e.g. Hey latmate, I've just made a big pan of pasta, you want some? Or "oh, shall we have a flat sunday lunch this week?"

[Artandco]

No just say you want to sort own stuff

What if you fancy meeting a friend after work? Or going to evening run? Or to the gym? Or the theatre or cinema or whatever. You will be constantly cancelling.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I agree with everyone else above; don't do it!!

Maybe compromise on buying a load of basics communally once in a while, like tinned tomatoes/toilet roll/cleaning materials (hint hint) etc. But do your own thing day to day, definitely.

[myusernamewastaken]

I would hate this arrangement too....i loathe cooking and if my kids are out or busy then i am more than happy to bung something in the microwave for a few mins....i would feel anxious if u had to cook for other adults.

[myusernamewastaken]

Sorry meant to say i would feel anxious not u....stupid phone.

[Bearasarahus]

Thanks, some great advice. Yes, he will be hurt and he will be passive aggressive The other day I went into the kitchen eating some chocolate and he (very seriously) said, well that's not how it works, we live together! Aren't you going to offer me some?! I thought he was joking (he wasn't).

[Bearasarahus]

He'll also get annoyed if I try to rearrange the cupboards and possibly try and bitch about me to other v chilled flatmate. I don't want this! I want a peaceful home!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

He sounds like a right pain.

You need to bring him up sharp. Remember, you are paying your rent here, and you have as much right as him to be in this house and treating it as your home.

If he is going to start needling you about small issues, you need to respond instead of hoping you can be mature and ignore it - clearly, you can't. So, if he doesn't like you rearranging cupboards, you say 'we live together: I get a say, just as much as you and [other flatmate]'. If he honestly thinks it's ok to have a go at you for not sharing chocolate (how old is he?!) you take him completely seriously and say 'well, if you want to change the system, I'm happy to discuss it, but we should really make a proper agreement'. Then, if he's honestly prepared to buy you the kind of meat you eat, you might want to share chocolate. But it's not on for him to want all your nice things and never to return the favour.

Don't let him think he can keep undermining you. Yes, you live together, but that doesn't mean that the person who is most able to whinge should get to rule the roost.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

realise that 'you can be mature' bit is ambiguous - I meant, you* may be able to be mature all you like, but clearly that approach does not work as he will not respond by being equally mature.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Oh Christ, he sounds like a right arsehole.

Yes, he will be hurt and he will be passive aggressive, perhaps take a bull by the horns approach and get it all out in the open by having a group meeting and lay your cards on the table.

[dustarr73]

Life is too short for that crap.Is there any chance you could move.

[Bearasarahus]

Only been here a week so don't want to move!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Exactly, you've only been together a week and you've realised that arrangement isn't working for you.

Don't let him control what's happening, get your shelf in the fridge and cupboard space too and any subsequent arsiness from him can be slapped down.

Sounds like he wants to be King of the Castle.

[Niloufes]

I think you should call a house meeting, sit them down and tell them where they are both going wrong.

[Mummaaaaaah]

having done my fair share of flat shares, I would strongly agree you need to get this sorted earlier rather than later, as otherwise it will fester and be really unpleasant to be at home. do your own thing, offer to cook them a meal once in a while. Plan a shared meal once a week or so. Presuming you are quite young (as in a flat share - do correct me if I'm wrong) you won't know what you are doing from one day to the next, in terms of being out etc.

But definitely get it out in the open soon as you can. And be firm.

Good luck!

[Hrafnkel]

I had to move out in the end as I found her passive aggressiveness extended to every part of her life...

[dustarr73]

I think then you have to call a meeting.And just lay down a few rules.Because if you dont its only going to get worse.

[Trills]

Oh dear God.

This sounds awful.

What does flatmate number 3 think?

[Bearasarahus]

Flatmate number 3 v chilled and introverted, I like her. If I mention changing arrangements though she says it's fine with her but to check with him. They have only just met as well btw so no history or anything. I'm scared it'll be a 2 against 1 thing...

[myownprivateidaho]

To echo others - it'll never work. If you want to share to keep costs down you could do a communal shop each month - get tins/pasta/lentils/whatever - and then have a milk/bread/butter rota and then beyond that do your own thing. I used to do that in a shared house I lived in and it worked well.