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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my mum to F off?

68 replies

TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:14

Yes, probably I am.

To cut a long story short, I was always very academic at school and got into a good university to do a hard subject. Got good grades all the way through until fourth year hit and, although I was still achieving good marks, I decided to take some time out before taking final exams. It's worth saying that I had already completed 2/3 of my degree at this stage so was definitely going to return to do the exams. I also had a grad job offer which I didn't want to lose.

Anyway, one year on and I have a good degree and job starts next month, happy days.

I was talking to my DM about it today (who understandably found this whole time stressful, I returned home etc etc) and she basucally said she avoided seeing friends and family during this period as she didn't want to say anything!! I understand that she wanted to protect my privacy but I actually feel really hurt and offended, as if she's ashamed of me?!

Firstly achievements aren't just academic or about who can get the best job etc! What if I had dropped out?! And secondly I still did have other things going for me - I had done well and there was never any question of me not going back into study or work.

I actually told her to F off. Which makes me horrible and which she took badly Blush

But I am so hurt to feel like such a disappointment to her! I was always brought up to be a bit of a people-pleaser and she is not from this country, and pretty reserved when it comes to huge displays of pride or emotion. She is very supportive and loving and kind but has never been the type to say "I'm so proud of you" or "I love you" or just hug me or whatever.

Who ibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:30

I wonder if I'm being over-sensitive...

OP posts:
Queenbean · 10/08/2016 11:34

Sorry, but you are

You don't give any indication that she ever knew that you would actually return to study, and it must have been a big worry for her to not know whether you'd be throwing away your degree. I'm not sure why her not talking to people about it has wound you up so much but I think it's awful you told her to fuck off.

I think an apology is in order

Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:37

I definitely did give her every indication that I would return to study though, as I've said above! I had a job offer on the line which I didn't want to jeopardise and my time out was only ever intended as a short break.

I admit I was out of line but she keeps telling me stories about how people would ask about me and she would keep her mouth shut as she had nothing to say/she would only ever talk about my other sibling Confused This all suggests that she felt I had let her down/was ashamed of me?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:39

It wasn't a nice thing to say but I was devastated to hear her reaction and little comments. I'd rather she didn't tell me how disappointed etc she was, especially given that I've come out the other side and it's all ok now.

OP posts:
allowlsthinkalot · 10/08/2016 11:43

I think YANBU.

She basically said she was ashamed of your choice and wanted to keep it a secret from friends and family. Wanting to bask in reflected glory from your children's achievements is not ok. You are a person and live your life for you. You are not a tool for her to show off to her friends.

Don't apologise OP, she owes you an apology.

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 11:47

There was no need for her to say this to you at this point.
I had a similar thing - by the time my now-husband and I had finished our 4 year courses, we'd been together 3 years and got engaged. He got a great job offer about 200 miles south of where we'd studied and I went with him and thought I'd look for a job while there. I found one within a couple of weeks. In the meantime though, my mum was all "Oooh, when people ask me what you were going to do for a job down south I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to say you're just following a man!" and I got really pissed off.
YANBU - it feels like your parent doesn't know you at all and is embarassed that you're their offspring, even for a short time.

redskytonight · 10/08/2016 11:50

Maybe she didn't know how to explain it to others? Most people will want to know why you took a study break (or will think that you've dropped out and haven't told your mum or your mum is not telling them). Saying "Talrus is taking a study break for personal reasons" and not being able to disclose the personal reasons for your privacy is quite a tricky conversation to have. Plus people will make assumptions!!

mydietstartsmonday · 10/08/2016 11:51

YABU.... nobody knows how to react to every situation, she did her best. I am sure she did find it stressful as did you and she supported you as best she could.

She choose not to discuss it with others so avoided them - no big deal that is how she dealt with it.

I suspect for most of your teen life you talked non-stop about going to university, getting good grades etc.. When it wasn't quite to plan she has given you totally space to sort yourself out. For all she knew you may have been having a nervous breakdown.

I think you should applaud your mother 1) for supporting you 2) for not discussing your business with others.

She also felt now was a good time to discuss this with you how she felt; as two adults talking - except one of you has not behaved as an adult.

Telling your mother to F off is despicable anyway; let alone for this rather minor reason.

Whatever would have happened I am she would have supported you, disappointed that you did not achieve your goals. She would have been disappointed for you.

You own her an apology, flowers and a hug.

Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:51

Thanks allow, you've got it in one. I think she does see my and my sibling's achievements as in part down to her (which they are) but it's hurtful to hear that she is embarrassed about my choice, even though it has all come right in the end!

The irony is that she never did/was never able to complete university education herself, despite starting it and being very intelligent.

We have had this conversation a couple of times this week and she just keeps digging! I got very upset the first time it was said but this morning I was treated to a lecture about how she cringed at the hairdresser's when asked about what I was up to! Would it have been so hard to say "ah yes, Talrus is still studying/she's going to be starting x job next year..." ir whatever?

OP posts:
ErnesttheBavarian · 10/08/2016 11:55

YABU.

My family (dh and dc) are totally foul mouthed swear navvies, and I can off and blind with the best of them, but I would never, ever, tell my mum to fuck off. That's outrageous. And honestly, over something so trivial.

Were you really devastated to hear her reaction?

I guess irritated might be in order, or even surprised or confused. But devastated? IMO that's a total over reaction. As is telling your mother to fuck off.

I bet she's ashamed of you now, even if she wasn't before.

Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:55

Thanks PNgirl, yes that's exactly how it felt! And redsky, good point!

Fair enough mydietstarts, I have already admitted it wasn't a great thing to say but I don't think it was despicable, everyone says awful things that they regret after. Doesn't make it right but really flowers? I think we were both in the wrong, she could see I was upset and just kept hammering the point home!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:55

Ernest! She's ashamed of me now "even if she wasn't before" - that's pretty rude, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:57

It wasn't so much the fact she said it, it was the fact that she kept wittering on and on (a few times this week) about how she didn't want have to keep explaining it to people/she isolated herself because of my choice. Confused i just couldn't hack it and was going to burst into tears. In fact I did later.

OP posts:
ErnesttheBavarian · 10/08/2016 11:59

so's telling your mum to fuck off, no?

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 10/08/2016 12:00

My Mother was a difficult bloody woman Grin and we clashed over many of her strange and prejudiced opinion but I never ever told her to fuck off. In my opinion that's a step too far and there are things you could have said first before the final fuck off. You went straight in at the final solution and I really think that was unreasonable.

SaucyJack · 10/08/2016 12:00

It seems a weeny bit extreme of her to avoid friends and family just in case she might have to mention in passing that you're taking a break from your degree. It's not like you'd been sent down for drug running.

Does she have form for theatrics?

Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 12:01

It was said in anger and yes far from my finest hour. But I'm sure you've said things you regret too...no?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2016 12:01

I can tell you now that if my daughter ever tells me to fuck off I would be very very upset. I would never ever dream of saying it to my mom. Totally uncalled for.

Julius02 · 10/08/2016 12:02

Yes YABU. She is treating you as an adult and telling you how she felt about it at the time. Regardless of whether she was right to feel like that or not telling her to fuck off was disgraceful.

Jessbow · 10/08/2016 12:02

You are ssiming its because ehs ewes ashamed of you... or she has said so?

Indo think you are out of order telling her to f off.. I wonder where you'd be when you returned home for some time out mid course?

Apologies are in order

lovelycuppateas · 10/08/2016 12:02

Did you really swear at her? I understand why you're frustrated/disappointed when you need her support, but I would apologise for your reaction. She was probably just uncertain and worried about you and wasn't sure how to react/tell people. I think you need to take a deep breath and try to work out a way to explain why you are upset without insulting her. I'd definitely apologise for the swearing, that's awful.

Original poster
TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 12:02

Abloodydifficult - yes I do appreciate that, but it was the final straw for me. It was also a bloody hard time last year and I'm so relieved it's over. I can't quite work out why she's trying to make me feel worse about it!! I was ashamed of it at the time and I just feel like she's trying to make me feel like shit.

Jack - yes!! WinkGrin

OP posts:
Hannahfftl · 10/08/2016 12:04

You say your mum had to drop out of university herself, I wonder if this shame she was feeling was more a reminder of her own failure, than anything to do with you. Possibly combined with the fear the same was going to happen to you and you would lose the opportunities like she did.

acasualobserver · 10/08/2016 12:04

I think you've already made up your mind - you're going to cop to bring a little unreasonable but nothing more.

PerspicaciaTick · 10/08/2016 12:04

You need to apologise at once, if you haven't already.

Was she subsidising you while you took your time out?

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