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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told my mum to F off?

68 replies

TheWorriedTalrus · 10/08/2016 11:14

Yes, probably I am.

To cut a long story short, I was always very academic at school and got into a good university to do a hard subject. Got good grades all the way through until fourth year hit and, although I was still achieving good marks, I decided to take some time out before taking final exams. It's worth saying that I had already completed 2/3 of my degree at this stage so was definitely going to return to do the exams. I also had a grad job offer which I didn't want to lose.

Anyway, one year on and I have a good degree and job starts next month, happy days.

I was talking to my DM about it today (who understandably found this whole time stressful, I returned home etc etc) and she basucally said she avoided seeing friends and family during this period as she didn't want to say anything!! I understand that she wanted to protect my privacy but I actually feel really hurt and offended, as if she's ashamed of me?!

Firstly achievements aren't just academic or about who can get the best job etc! What if I had dropped out?! And secondly I still did have other things going for me - I had done well and there was never any question of me not going back into study or work.

I actually told her to F off. Which makes me horrible and which she took badly

But I am so hurt to feel like such a disappointment to her! I was always brought up to be a bit of a people-pleaser and she is not from this country, and pretty reserved when it comes to huge displays of pride or emotion. She is very supportive and loving and kind but has never been the type to say "I'm so proud of you" or "I love you" or just hug me or whatever.

Who ibu?

OP posts:

CancellyMcChequeface · 10/08/2016 12:49

YANBU if your mother's reason for avoiding family was more to do with being ashamed of you than protecting your privacy.

My mother was like this and nothing I did was ever good enough. I had to avoid relatives for years because when I was working as a teaching assistant, she lied and told them I was a teacher.

Well done for completing your degree! Even if you hadn't, though, it has very little to do with her, since you're living your own life and shouldn't have to make decisions based on how she'll think of you for them.

lissa90 · 10/08/2016 12:52

YANBU

I would have been rather disappointed in either of my parents if they had treated me this way. It does appear from the outside as though she is a bit theatrical and if she can't be honest about your situation to her friends and support you through the time that you needed her support to only bring up the inconvenience that it caused her, in a way called for her to be reminded of how she should be bloody proud not ashamed of you.

Msqueen33 · 10/08/2016 12:55

I have a mother like this except she's embarrassed about the fact that two of my kids have autism. She's very much a keeping up appearances and a show person. Everyone has to have a perfect life. She didn't like that I got married after we had kids or that we had a very tiny but it doesn't seem to make any odds that we have a good life, kids are happy, we own half our house etc.

I've learnt to nod and smile. Don't feel at all like you're a disappointment. You sound like you have done incredibly well and she should appreciate that.

Lorelei76 · 10/08/2016 12:57

I think YANBU

btw my parents were the same when I was degree age - they thought it was "helpful". I lost my rag with them a couple of times - very very rare for me to lose my rag - and they stopped.

Tbh with my dad, it did come from a place of him wanting his kids to be a specific way and I don't have much contact with him. Mum I think genuinely thought she was being helpful - she only realised I wasn't 17 when I hit 30, I think, and only because of a particular incident when I was hospitalised and didn't let her know for days because I felt that having her flapping about would make things worse and my friends were doing a great job of looking after me.

so I suggest you keep her firmly apprised of your feelings right away. I am assuming that you have no financial dependence on her though. If you ever take money from anyone you do have to listen to their view on how to use it, I think. I am also guessing you don't live with her which again makes the situation a bit different.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2016 13:03

Might have helped if you'd said that first then eh?

Either way Fuck Off is not an OK response as you've acknowledged

mydietstartsmonday · 10/08/2016 13:04

She knows you had a hard time, she was there with you. And that is the important point - she was there, not pushing you, giving you time to come to your own decision. She is a human being, who loves you , who is trying to articulate her feelings to you.

You now have a rift with your mum....you sort it out they way you think is best or don't the choice is yours.

mydietstartsmonday · 10/08/2016 13:13

Also to say my mum is pretty judgemental and offers advice a lot. She says the wrong thing at the wrong time and has no filter, I have 2 sisters and each of us has vowed at different times not to talk to her again.
When she is with us she spends time talking in glowing terms about the other sisters and their families; so it always appears that she is praising (or not depending who is in favour) one over the other. But she isn't really.
But she loves us with all her heart and would kill for us and give us her last penny. She is our mum so we love her (more at some times than other).
So what I am saying you just have to get over it. Possibly you are being over sensitive.
But she is your mum and it sounds like she will always be there for you.
So what I am saying is don't let it get so far you can't put it right.
Good luck

GlindatheFairy · 10/08/2016 13:13

I would never feel ashamed of my DDs for taking a break from or quitting a degree course. Nor would I feel it necessary to disclose every detail of their lives to the hairdresser, FFS. A simple "She's doing fine, thanks," will do. She must be rather self-obsessed to imagine that people other than very close friends would give a flying fuck about whether or not her child gets her degree.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 13:19

So you feel ashamed about it and assume she felt the same. Honestly if she had talked about it you would probably feel your privacy had been invaded. She is digging because she knows you are upset and she is trying, but failing, to explain it. Don't swear at your mum it really doesn't help either of you.

mollie123 · 10/08/2016 13:28

you only get one mother in your life
she may have been wrong but that is no reason to swear so nastily
imagine how you would feel if your son or daughter did that to you

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 14:19

Sorry op, but IME you can never rely on anybody to support you no matter what. There will always be judgement, however well hidden. And it sounds like your mum is quite critical in general; did you really think you were exempt?

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 14:24

I'm feeling a bit bad about being harsh in my earlier post - sorry.

Just be aware that she will always be like this and won't turn into the Wonderful Accepting Mother; this is her. Forever, no matter how well she hides it. The sooner you mentally file it under 'Her problem, not mine' and get on with your life (which sounds like it is going quite well TBH!) then the happier you will be.

For the record, my mother hated the fact that I was overweight but I made up for it by having managed to acquire a husband and a PhD (these were of equal importance in her eyes I think). She ruthlessly went on about my weight and how disgustingly/embarrassingly fat I was when I was younger and had no achievements to speak of, but that stopped after I had points on the 'Positive' side of the ledger IYSWIM.

Mothers, eh?

Dragongirl10 · 10/08/2016 15:19

YANBU,

of course telling her to F off was wrong but l understand your annoyance over her comments....she should support you REGARDLESS of your carreer/training successes or fails!

She should not care a damn what other people think you are her daughter.

Well done for finishing your course and good luck in your job...well done for getting one!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/08/2016 15:47

You only snapped because you let her keep on at you. Learn to tell her off nicely when she starts, or find a reason to leave the room.

Nice telling off can simply be a reminder somehow that her feelings of shame were hers alone, were somewhat bonkers, and you are still totally happy you made the best choices for you.

"You didn't go to the hairdressers! Mum, that's bonkers. I bet you feel daft now"

"I'm sorry you didn't understand. Anyway, it has all worked out brilliantly in the end. Mainly because I knew what I was doing."

"Do you want me to pop round to x and explain that you weren't in prison when you stayed away?"

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 10/08/2016 15:52

I may have missed it, but how long was your break? You described it as short, but that covers a wealth of timeframes!

I do think it makes a difference whether you were home for reading week, or for a year.

Mouseinahole · 10/08/2016 15:53

If my adult children ever told me to F off for any reason I'd be ashamed of them and disgusted with them. If one had had a year off in the middle of uni I'd have worried about them a lot and once they had come out the other end I might have told them that I had been worried.
Unless you have a totally toxic parent telling them to F off is no more acceptable when you are 30 than when you were 13.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 10/08/2016 15:59

I'd be ashamed and truly hurt if my children talked to me like that. I'd wonde where my parenting had gone wrong to make them so disrespectful.

She let you return home whilst you fancied a break from uni rather than seeing the course through as intended. You don't mention working so presumably she had to finance your whim too.

Most parents would be upset if their child quit uni 2/3rds through, many say they will go back and then never do.

Liiinoo · 10/08/2016 18:34

I'm a bit at some of the PPs shock at someone telling their mum to Fuck Off. I am not recommending it as an everyday thing and I have never done it myself, but I can totally understand why it happens. The same sex parent relationship is one of the the most intense and complex emotional relationships we can have and so sometimes emotions will run high.

My own DD has said it to me. We were both horrified. I was hurt and furious but we got over it. It made me realise the intensity of her feelings and reconsider her point of view and it shocked her out of her fury and the subsequent aftershock and remorse helped her see mine.

I have thought it occasionally when my own DM has been harping on but I am still too scared of/ detached from her to risk our precarious relationship.

I am willing to bet that most teenage/adult children who have not said it to their parents have wanted to!

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