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Original poster

To not have punished her more?!

84 replies

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 18:10

Sorry for the long post, just started rambling a bit.

A little bit of backstory first, me, my partner and our DC moved about half an hour drive from where we used to live and DD and DSDs, both 16, school 18 months ago, we didn't bother moving them to a new school as they only had a year left and were in the middle of GCSEs. As all DDs friends were half an hour drive away, which would take just over an hour on 2 buses when we're not around to do lifts, we encouraged them to make some friends in our neighbourhood. DSD was not interested at all but dd made friends with a girl we will call Emily. Since they left school 2 months ago DD and Emily have got really close spent all their time together and call each other their best friends.

Before DD met Emily she was one of the easiest of my 3 DC and 2 DSC. Since meeting her she has been caught smoking numerous times by different family members, had come home drunk and has been caught shoplifting. She got punished for the shoplifting but I didn't feel the need to punish her for drinking and smoking as I was no better myself at her age, we did have a long talk everytime though.

Last Friday DD got brought home by the police at 2am, Emily had already been dropped off at her house. They had told me they were sleeping over at Emilys and Emily told her mum they were staying at mine when in reality they, and 2 other boys, were at a boys house and his mum had called the police as she wasn't aware they were even there until they had woken her up. She thought her son was out at one of his 2 friends houses. I grounded DD for a week and took away her phone, laptop and iPad.

A week brings us to today. Last night I gave DD all her things back and this afternoon after texting all morning she went to meet Emily. Half hour after she left I get a phone call from Emilys mum saying DD has just turned up at their door and Emily has new rules now and she won't be going out with anyone unless arranged and okayed by all parents involved. She has proved she can not be trusted. Emily was never like this before she met DD. It obviously Isn't helping that DD is never punished for her behaviour.

Obviously DD wasn't like this before meeting Emily either, I do not blame Emily though. It's obvious they both just bring something bad or in each other and with other new friends involved they are experimenting with new things. Emily is a lovely girl and I do like her despite the trouble DD keeps getting into so I don't want to discourage the friendship.

But since the phone call I've been second guessing myself. Was I wrong not to punished DD more for things she has done? Me and DP thought we handled things well but now I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Mycraneisfixed · 06/08/2016 19:39

Thank god my 19years of teenagers are over! Sounds normal behaviour to me. She feels she's a grown up, you know she is not. I could tell you oh so many stories of the wayward teen years.
On one occasion youngest DD age 15 said she and three friends were having a sleepover at A's house. I get a phonecall at midnight asking if I could pick them up. From A's house ? No. From a field behind A's house where they'd decided to camp in tents with some boys from school. But the rain had washed them outGrin
Turned out A wasn't even with them.
I didn't need to say much. She knew how cross I was.
Maybe after two other teenagers nothing surprised me by then.
You're doing ok. Keep the lines of communication open because one day when she's in real trouble you both need to know she won't hesitate to call you. Flowers

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:39

How exactly is it just my daughter that's the bad influence? She was never like this before.

She probably is missing her friends but she's been so busy with Emily she hasn't asked me to take her somewhere to meet them otherwise I would have. I don't think she was affected by the move, or not that I saw. She does want to do the apprenticeship, she told me if she doesn't get an apprenticeship she wasn't going to college so we both worked out arses off to get her one.

OP posts:
Mollypollywolly · 06/08/2016 19:44

Both Emily and your DD werent like this for a year until 2 months ago, obviously there is another friend/s you don't know about that is influencing them.

You're daughter may be spoilt but I agree, if you have the money to do so then why shouldn't you.

She does need more boundaries though. 16 is a hard age so I sympathise with you.

Pearlman · 06/08/2016 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebeck · 06/08/2016 19:46

When I caught DD smoking at 16 I just told her calmly that I would not live with a smoker, so she had to make a choice.

I can't believe you reduced a month long punishment after just five days, I have never heard anything like it! No wonder she is running rings around you.I can't see her behaviour improving unless you toughen up.

And tell your mother to stop disrespecting your parental decisions. What's wrong with her?

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:48

All my children I punished differently but everyone else was getting in some form of trouble from w young age so I had years to deal with it and adjust to make it work. DD has literally only just started behaving this way. I've barely had time to think tbh.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 06/08/2016 19:53

Why was she brought back from the boy's house by the police? Why did his mother ring the police in the first place?

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2016 19:53

She gets £15 a week from me. Perhaps she is spoilt but so are all my DC and DSC, we have the money to do so so why can't we?

Because she is now behaving in a way that you disapprove of.

She has £100 per month disposable income that she's not really earning (she should do chores anyway). She is smoking - you may have done it, your other DC may do it, but do you really approve of it? It's dirty, disgusting and terrible for her health. Drinking isn't ideal either as she's too young. And as for shoplifting...

I don't think a potential criminal record will help future apprenticeships/employment opportunities will it?

You're way too soft.

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:56

I honestly don't know. DD thinks its becuase she didn't even know her son was there, apparently she didn't leave her room and no one was aware she even knew they were there until the police arrived. Even the police were confused.

I've spoken to her at length about everything she's done, she is always apologetic and says it won't happen again but unfortunately it does. I just hope now Emilys mum has new rules things will change a bit.

OP posts:
gasman · 06/08/2016 19:58

It is horses for courses - you need to find the strategy that works for Hera d bugger all your other children.

My parents struggled with this too - my DBro and I responded to the same house rules (neither of use was in trouble much). My sister found the liberal parenting style - "when would be a good time to be home?" - too relaxed and interpreted from it that they didn't care so got into more and more trouble to get a reaction.

Whereas if they had just said "right. Be home by midnight" instead of taking into account that the gig finished at 23:00 and then she had to walk to the bus, then travel home so actually 00:30 was easier she would have been a whole lot happier and life Utd have involved a lot less shouting!

Heidibb · 06/08/2016 19:58

Will you still be paying her for chores when she is earning from her apprenticeship?

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2016 19:59

I am just a bit sceptical that the police would turn out in the middle of the night just to dutifully drive teenagers home. I might consider it next time I come out to make an early morning cup of tea and find a heap of yoof in my living room.....

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:59

I am trying to work out what is best but I've not really had as much time too as I had the others.

We haven't thought too much about it. I doubt when she's earning she will ask for it, no one else did.

OP posts:
J0kersSmile · 06/08/2016 20:02

She doesn't sound a bad kid, just being a bit of a rebel atm and enjoying it. I think if you push down to hard you'll push her into a corner of having to be bad.

If she's starting an apprenticeship in September I'd keep doing what you're doing until she starts that and see what happens. She'll hopefully have a new life when that starts and stop messing around trying to rebel against nothing.

Heidibb · 06/08/2016 20:03

Sounds weird but it does happen. Sounds like the mum called the police becuase she thought she has intruders, the police would've then taken them home as they can't let them walk at gone midnight. One winter night I was walking home from my job at about 9:30/10ish, I'd walked over half an hour, I was 10 minutes max from home and the police pulled over to give me a lift as it was dark and late.

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2016 20:05

I've spoken to her at length about everything she's done, she is always apologetic and says it won't happen again but unfortunately it does. I just hope now Emilys mum has new rules things will change a bit.

That's putting the onus on Emily. What will happen in your family?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 06/08/2016 20:07

Five days is nothing, all you have done is show her she won't be punished regardless of what she's done.

If mine at 16 are caught shop lifting, smoking or drinking they would be seriously grounded and all privileges removed including cash. If theirs friends acted like that I would stop contact.

Adding boys to the mix with drink at that age could lead to teenage pregnancy given you don't know where she is why she's out.

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 20:08

Well seeing as DD doesn't go out without Emily she probably won't be oit much without me knowing where she is. If she does go out it'll be with her old friends who never got into trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 20:09

She was grounded for a full week, but it only took 5 days to knock off the 3 weeks.

She has a boyfriend who is lovely, I doubt she'll be sleeping with any of these boys but I do see where you come from.

OP posts:
Heidibb · 06/08/2016 20:24

Oooh... How are things with her boyfriend? Maybe that's why she is acting out?

Griphook · 06/08/2016 20:45

I agree with pearlman if I was the other mum I wouldn't be encouraging the relationship to be honest.

Griphook · 06/08/2016 20:50

I've spoken to her at length about everything she's done, she is always apologetic and says it won't happen again but unfortunately it does. I just hope now Emilys mum has new rules things will change a bit.

So your dd lies repeatedly to you, but some how Emily's mum is the one who is boundaries and your hoping to benefit from, but what conquences are you putting in place?

Original poster
1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 20:55

He is off to uni this year so that could be effecting her but she says it's not. He's not happy about her behaviour and has told her if she keeps acting like this he isn't going to want to see her anymore.

DDs decided she isn't going to hang out with Emily anymore this afternoon. She says she just wants to move in with her dad so she can be with her old friends again. Sad Wonder why this is coming out now.

OP posts:
PuckyMup · 06/08/2016 21:09

Looks like you've just found the route of the problems..

shiveringhiccup · 06/08/2016 21:33

Hi there OP, I don't often post but this one made me sad, mostly because of all of the punitive and controlling PPs.

Your daughter is 16 and has had a dramatic change of behaviour that is getting her into trouble. This has followed a big life change (house move).

She is NOT a robot to be controlled and suppressed by a parent through punishments, sanctions, and lectures. All this talk of spoiling her or punishing her or threats to kick her out etc... Really appalling.

She is a human being, a person who has feelings. Her change in behaviour is a very clear communication that she is struggling with something. What would you hope for from your loved ones if you were going through something and were communicating through different behaviour? I'm guessing it's not having your possessions removed, being stuck in the house, etc.

What she needs from you as her parent is your love and support. Talk to her!!! Think about whatever you know so far and reflect on it. What's going on with her? How can you help her? Talk to her as a human being rather than someone to be controlled.

It's not helpful to ignore whatever she's going for and to only focus on suppressing behaviour that is a symptom of her internal experience. It's far, far better to help her to work through what she's going through. Behaviour will extinguish itself once you have helped her through the cause.

By all means keep consistent boundaries, but don't be punitive or dictatorial about it.

Also - being punitive only reinforces her bad behaviour. It teaches her to get better at lying and deceiving. Keeping to boundaries in a fair kind way, and talking to her in a loving way to help to guide her through her difficulties is a far more effective way to nip the lying etc in the bud.

Hope that helps.