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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have punished her more?!

84 replies

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 18:10

Sorry for the long post, just started rambling a bit.

A little bit of backstory first, me, my partner and our DC moved about half an hour drive from where we used to live and DD and DSDs, both 16, school 18 months ago, we didn't bother moving them to a new school as they only had a year left and were in the middle of GCSEs. As all DDs friends were half an hour drive away, which would take just over an hour on 2 buses when we're not around to do lifts, we encouraged them to make some friends in our neighbourhood. DSD was not interested at all but dd made friends with a girl we will call Emily. Since they left school 2 months ago DD and Emily have got really close spent all their time together and call each other their best friends.

Before DD met Emily she was one of the easiest of my 3 DC and 2 DSC. Since meeting her she has been caught smoking numerous times by different family members, had come home drunk and has been caught shoplifting. She got punished for the shoplifting but I didn't feel the need to punish her for drinking and smoking as I was no better myself at her age, we did have a long talk everytime though.

Last Friday DD got brought home by the police at 2am, Emily had already been dropped off at her house. They had told me they were sleeping over at Emilys and Emily told her mum they were staying at mine when in reality they, and 2 other boys, were at a boys house and his mum had called the police as she wasn't aware they were even there until they had woken her up. She thought her son was out at one of his 2 friends houses. I grounded DD for a week and took away her phone, laptop and iPad.

A week brings us to today. Last night I gave DD all her things back and this afternoon after texting all morning she went to meet Emily. Half hour after she left I get a phone call from Emilys mum saying DD has just turned up at their door and Emily has new rules now and she won't be going out with anyone unless arranged and okayed by all parents involved. She has proved she can not be trusted. Emily was never like this before she met DD. It obviously Isn't helping that DD is never punished for her behaviour.

Obviously DD wasn't like this before meeting Emily either, I do not blame Emily though. It's obvious they both just bring something bad or in each other and with other new friends involved they are experimenting with new things. Emily is a lovely girl and I do like her despite the trouble DD keeps getting into so I don't want to discourage the friendship.

But since the phone call I've been second guessing myself. Was I wrong not to punished DD more for things she has done? Me and DP thought we handled things well but now I'm not sure.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 06/08/2016 19:06

I agree with PP.

Your mother has to stop undermining you. I would not give a smoking DC a penny. Why should I work so they can set fire to it?

It does sound as though your approach is rather lax. She should be doing her share of housework anyway, regardless of payment.

My DC had to get jobs within two months of turning 16 and I never paid them pocket money after that.

WorraLiberty · 06/08/2016 19:08

A 16 year old is getting £100 per month.

She's smoking, drinking, telling lies, staying out all night, getting brought home by the Police, stealing from shops, refusing to do chores without payment and you're seriously asking we have the money to do so, so why can't we?

There are no words, especially when followed up with 'I don't think her dad needs to know every small detail'.

Yeah, tiny little details aren't they?

If she lived with her dad, would you not want to know how much your dd's behaviour has shot downhill?

Original poster

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:08

Yeah, it's the agreement I've always had with DC and my mother had with me. If she doesn't helpful things, like making dinner, cleaning up etc, she would have a day taken off.

My sons both got jobs as soon as they left school and my daughter would've been expected too aswell if she didn't have an apprenticeship waiting for her.

OP posts:

antiqueroadhoe · 06/08/2016 19:09

What you say is that you are grounded for a month if you're behaviour is good. And if there is any problem then at least a day is added on. You tell them the minimum.

antiqueroadhoe · 06/08/2016 19:09

your

Lasagna · 06/08/2016 19:10

I don't see drinking and smoking as bad behaviour. If she was 18 would you all be saying the same thing?

antiqueroadhoe · 06/08/2016 19:10

Do you feel it's good behaviour then?

Lasagna · 06/08/2016 19:13

No. But it's not bad behaviour. That's a stupid comment, it's not good or bad behaviour, it's just something that is done.

NuffSaidSam · 06/08/2016 19:13

I don't think you necessarily should have punished her more, you know your DC best.

However, I would have dealt with it like Emily's mum. I think her method of dealing with it is absolutely valid (as is yours) and you need to respect that. So DD can't see Emily anymore unless you have spoken to Emily's mum.

I would be concerned that both your DD and your mum will lie to you/go behind your back without a second thought! Encouraging her to be honest with you is all well and good, but I'd also try and encourage her to do as you ask/follow house rules. At the moment it seems like she's got you over a barrel; you have to let her drink and smoke, you have to pay her to help around the house....I think she's running things!

Lasagna · 06/08/2016 19:14

And actually at 16 is not illegal to smoke. It's illegal to but cigarettes yourself and to buy for sown one under 18. So it's impossible but not illegal.

WorraLiberty · 06/08/2016 19:14

She's not 18 though is she?

She's a 16 year old who's running wild, breaking the law and telling lies.

Any 18 year old adult who treated their parent like that, would be told by me to get a job and move out.

So yes, while she's 16 at least this is very bad behaviour and it's being funded/enabled by her family.

If the OP was ok with it, she wouldn't have mentioned it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/08/2016 19:17

You reduced a month's grounding to 5 days because she turned on the charm.

She's got you right where she wants you, hasn't she?

Pearlman · 06/08/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:21

NuffSaidSam I do actually agree with you. I did speak to Emilys mum for a while and then spoke to my DD and we've all agreed that well a always talk when they make plans so we can make sure they are being truthful about their plans. I wish I had thought of doing the same punishment for DD as Emilys mum had but it's too late now. Emily wasn't grounded, has been going out all week with out DD and had nothing taken away from her. Whereas my DD was grounded and had everything taken so she has already been punished.

She doesn't refuse to do her chores, I've never actually said o her she won't get money, I'm just assuming that's how she'll act. The pocket money for chores thing has been the deal with my children since they were old enough to do things. It's always what my parents did for me and my siblings and it's what my friends do to so I'm not understanding why that seems so weird to everyone...

I didn't tell her dad becuase as I said, he has very little contact with my 2 DSs and DD. I don't want they only time he speaks to them to be when he's having a go.

OP posts:

Original poster

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:24

Pearlman I find that really offensive. My DD is a lovely kind girl. I would hate to think that anyone would stop being friends with her becuAe I'm unsure on the best punishments for her. She did well at school and was excellent until 2 months ago. I understand it's not acceptable how she is behaving but she hasn't been like this before so I'm unsure on how best to deal with it.

OP posts:

antiqueroadhoe · 06/08/2016 19:24

Lasagna - everything that people do is behaviour. It's how people act. It is not a "stupid" comment to say that something that is not bad behaviour is good behaviour.

I would say smoking and drinking is bad behaviour because it is not conducive to good health. I think if her grandmother knew the money she was giving her was being spent on drink and cigarettes then her behaviour was bad, too.

You feel it's something that is "done" - that would be a behaviour then.

Pearlman · 06/08/2016 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lasagna · 06/08/2016 19:29

So if you saw a 40 year old smoking would you say they are behaving badly then?

I agree it's not sensible and I would rather my children werent smoking but it's something a lot of people do.

Also if she is working in an estate agents then she's going to be surrounded by smokers too so it wouldn't be long until she started anyway and would be doing so with her own money. I sell houses as a job so when I'm not on site I'm in various estate agents and j don't think I've ever been in one that hasn't had majority smokers.

Original poster

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:30

You're staying you wouldn't let your daughter be friend with mine. That's offensive to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

1stworldproblemms · 06/08/2016 19:32

Also the either wasn't relevant. Emilys mum is still more than happy for them too be friends. Emily and DD have been friends for over a year now and this behaviour only started 2 months ago, she can see it isn't only my DD who is doing this and did later apologise for her comment. No one is blaming either child only, they are both to blame.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 06/08/2016 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatsukiKusakabe · 06/08/2016 19:34

Sounds like she's trying to get your attention, but isn't managing to.

I actually think maybe she wants you to come down a bit harder on her and get to the bottom of how she's feeling. Was she affected a lot by the move? Does she miss her friends? Does she want to do this apprenticeship at the estate agents or would she prefer to do something else, college perhaps?

That's what stands out to me - I don't have a teenager, but having been one.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 06/08/2016 19:36

Make her do the chores, buy her what she needs, but all her chore money, money from nan etc goes into a savings account (maybe for a car or mortgage deposit). That way she can't spend it on fags and booze.
Check with all parents involved when going out until she proves that she can be trusted again. Act like a kid, be treated like a kid. Act like an adult, be treated like an adult.
She is taking the piss, being funded for it, and you are letting her. Kids need boundaries and structure! Clear boundaries, clear sanctions, stick to it...

antiqueroadhoe · 06/08/2016 19:38

Yes smoking is not a good behaviour by anyone.

It's not correct to say that because she is going to be working with estate agents who smoke it won't be long till she is anyway. Just because others choose to behave that way does not necessarily mean she will choose to follow suit. I worked with people who all smoked and I didn't. Not that I am not a particularly strong person (can eat loads of chocolate - also not good behaviour) but I chose not to smoke.

PenelopePitstops · 06/08/2016 19:38

So she's spoilt with no boundaries and you wonder why she's running rings around you! You obviously think you are right as you keep justifying how you deal with her behaviour. But all the evidence points towards your "punishments" not working. Your dd is still out smoking, drinking etc. She obviously needs parenting differently to you other children. Step up and sort her out.

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