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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL let himself into our house

102 replies

LetHimselfIn · 06/08/2016 11:40

Background so as not to drip feed: FIL loaned us some money to buy our house, which meant we avoided a mortgage. I'm freelance so this was hugely helpful. He also has been great at helping us renovate, put in a new kitchen etc.

However he's constantly referring to it as 'his' house, saying he owns it etc. I put six figures into it so this doesn't really thrill me tbh. I know he's saying it in jest but it rankles.

He wanted to do some work on the kitchen whilst we were away, so we gave him some keys. He didn't return them, but more as an oversight.

He was due to come over today, and has just let himself in. I'm fuming but being polite. I wouldn't ever let myself into someone else's house without so much as a knock. I was getting dressed and it felt like a complete invasion of privacy.

Sigh. I'm probably overreacting but grrr.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 06/08/2016 15:11

Get keys back, then he can't do it again.

Original poster
LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 15:02

He keeps referring to it as 'his' house. In 'jest'. I'm going to lamp him.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 07/08/2016 15:07

My PIL walk into my house (door is unlocked when we are here) and it really doesn't occur to me to find that an invasion. I just open the door when I go to theirs.

Ask yourself how much you really do mind. If it isn't much I'd drop it. His comments about 'his house' would annoy me too but, really, he sounds generous, helpful and pretty great - don't rock the goodwill if you don't need to.

BackforGood · 07/08/2016 15:09

This

But it's our house, we are adults and it's inappropriate.

Yes you are adults, so have an adult conversation with him. You don't necessarily need the keys back, just say would do mind not using them unless agreed/emergency. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with anyone just walking into your home (not house as he does own part of your house, if you don't like that you shouldn't have taken his money).

Some completely OTT responses on here. Just speak to him. Hmm

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/08/2016 15:10

Are you in a position to get a loan to pay him back asap? Or do you have any other assets you could get rid of in order to pay him back?
You and he both know it's not in jest really.

As far as the keys go I'd forget about them and change the locks. You could get them back and find out 18 months down the line he had a spare set made, just in case.

Sooverthis · 07/08/2016 15:15

I'd also pull him on the 'jest'. Just says I'm guessing you are joking but that makes me feel very uncomfortable, coupled with you letting yourself in the other day can I just clear up whose house this is. I know it's our home but it won't feel like it if you call it your house again.

Marmaduchess · 07/08/2016 15:16

Agree better to ask for them back than lock change.

Smurfnoff · 07/08/2016 15:19

BlueSky, I think that depends on the family. My aunt is like you - the back door is always open and that's how she expects family and friends to enter, to the point that she thinks something's wrong if anyone comes to the front door. My mum's side of the family see this as perfectly normal, but my dad doesn't get why we 'have to go round the back' and still feels uncomfortable letting himself in.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/08/2016 15:19

Fgs all you people who don't mind if members of your family just let themselves into their house - op clearly DOES mind, what do you think you are contributing to this thread? Op I completely understand you and would have zero patience with a grown adult who was not capable of stopping and thinking before marching in to someone else's house. Why not do the civilised thing and use the doorbell fgs?

froubylou · 07/08/2016 15:23

I think in the nicest possible way you just need to get over yourself.

He has loaned you the money to buy the house. He has let himself in once whe you were at home using the set of.keys he had to do you a favour while you were away.

If it.makes you feel so uncomfortable then sell the house and give him his money back. If you put a 6 figure sum in yourself you should be able to buy somewhere smaller surely.

But to be really fair if the house has increased in value especially in light of the work he has put in, you would need to allow for that.

Sooverthis · 07/08/2016 15:25

Fwiw I'm totally happy with family letting themselves in they however are put off my nudist tendencies. Perhaps that would work on your FIL?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 07/08/2016 15:28

It was a one off and says a lot about how you feel about him. Technically if you used his money to purchase it is partly his house.

If you don't like that, stop using his generosity and pay workmen and give him back his money.

It sounds like you want everything your way and on your terms. Poor DH, not even being able to give his own parents keys after all the help they have given.

Chippednailvarnishing · 07/08/2016 15:30

Agree with Froubylou , you have the luxury of having no mortgage because he has helped you. If you don't like it, take out a mortgage and pay him back.

GreenRut · 07/08/2016 15:38

My dm lets herself in round here, if she rang the bell I'd think she was in a mood with me Grin

ChasedByBees · 07/08/2016 15:38

Technically if you used his money to purchase it is partly his house.

I think unless he is on the deed polls it absolutely is not partly his house. Not technically, not at all.

icelollycraving · 07/08/2016 15:39

What kind of % did he lend you? I would be getting that money accessible asap if at all possible.

Isetan · 07/08/2016 15:40

Op, I wouldn't like someone letting themselves into my house either but did you really think there wasn't going to be a price for the considerable help you've been given?

5moreminutes · 07/08/2016 15:42

A no strings attached gift or interest free loan is a rare thing and a sign of a very special selfless generosity.

Your FIL's loan comes with strings and he's reminding you til you dance on the end of them like the grateful indebted little people he thinks you should see you as, living as you do in his house thanks to his benevolence.

Original poster
LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 15:43

I would happily get / have got a mortgage. DP won't. It would also cause a rift, wouldn't it? Think about it - us giving back his money and getting a mortgage instead. I don't want to create that kind of friction. I just want him to drop the whole 'my' house thing. I could even accept 'our' house (grudgingly). But it's not solely his, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 15:44

About 30%. Don't currently have the funds to pay him back.

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 07/08/2016 15:45

He's very relaxed about the money lending. I don't think he really expects it back, but of course we will repay and are doing so monthly

he may not want the money urgently but he still wants his pound of flesh doesnt he, the unspoken terms of this agreement are that you get to use his money and he gets to take the piss and act like he owns you

no such thing as a free lunch

Original poster
LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 15:46

Last night I mentioned something about getting another dog in the future.

'Oh yes, I suppose I might let you stay here that long.'

Fuck that.

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 07/08/2016 15:46

Of course it's not his house - he lent you 30% of the value.

Did he say whether he expected to own 30% of the house, or did he say it was a gift freely given or a loan with interest, or a loan without interest...

He's lent you the money to put you in his debt, financial but far, far more significantly emotionally - he's letting you know that now, I'll bet he didn't before...

Anonymouses · 07/08/2016 15:49

We knock and shout hello as we go into fils house. We don't visit unannounced but if he expects us what is the point in making him get up to let us in when the door is open? He does the same at ours. I would expect anyone with a key to let themselves in and shout to inform me they did so tbh. As long as it's not a totally unexpected and random visit I can't bring myself to care.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 15:50

Those of us with mortgages don't expect to have the manager of Lloyds or wherever sitting in our living room whenever he wants, do we? He should treat you in the same way - you borrowed the money, you didn't ask him to share a home with you.