FIL let himself into our house

[LetHimselfIn]

Background so as not to drip feed: FIL loaned us some money to buy our house, which meant we avoided a mortgage. I'm freelance so this was hugely helpful. He also has been great at helping us renovate, put in a new kitchen etc.

However he's constantly referring to it as 'his' house, saying he owns it etc. I put six figures into it so this doesn't really thrill me tbh. I know he's saying it in jest but it rankles.

He wanted to do some work on the kitchen whilst we were away, so we gave him some keys. He didn't return them, but more as an oversight.

He was due to come over today, and has just let himself in. I'm fuming but being polite. I wouldn't ever let myself into someone else's house without so much as a knock. I was getting dressed and it felt like a complete invasion of privacy.

Sigh. I'm probably overreacting but grrr.

[LetHimselfIn]

Everyone saying they let themselves into others' house - we don't and I don't like people doing it to me, so as much as I appreciate everyone's opinions, that one isn't so relevant.

[LetHimselfIn]

Exactly, imperial. I feel the money shouldn't be mentioned, as long as it's being paid. Which it is!

[Marmaduchess]

Arfarfanarf

Agree. He is albeit subconsciously establishing a 'right' for himself.

Get the key back OP.

[SapphireStrange]

All the comments would really piss me off, 'meant in jest' or not. Tell your DH to tell his father to knock it off.

And tell FIL you need your keys back.

[5moreminutes]

LetHimself what exactly were the terms of the 30% loan? Did you ask? Did he offer? What did he say about it? Did he say it was a gift or a loan or did he genuinely believe he was investing in your property?

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You're sounding like a bit of a martyr OP. You either take out a mortgage and pay him back, start being honest with him about how you feel and raise it with him, or put up and shut up.

There are thousands of people who would love the chance of owning their own home but can't get a mortgage and here you are moaning that you could get one but choose not to.

[Anonymouses]

Yanbu about the my house thing though. We have a similar situation with ours. I am very grateful we were given this help but the aggressive "you should do this (thing that is your job and which you would charge £2k for) for me for free because if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have this house" only happened once. It was on speakerphone. I cried. DH took the phone out of the room, came back 10 mins later and I've never heard those words uttered since.

[5moreminutes]

Whatever the answer it does not give him a right to let himself in - as you were not expecting it and it is not the norm between you he is very clearly marking his territory. You could have been walking about naked or in a towel after a shower or on the downstairs loo with the door wide open - or whatever, as there was no set time for him to arrive and walking into each other's houses without knocking is not your normal.

The answer though is the starting point for talking to him - the loan needs formalising, the "my house" comments need to stop. Lending somebody money does not entitle you to invade their privacy or treat the possession they bought with the loan as your own, nor to belittle and upset and humiliate and undermine with all the "I might let you live in my house that long", comments unless that was a clear provision of the loan up front.

[SapphireStrange]

Chipped, she doesn't have to 'put up and shut up' about him walking into her house unannounced.

It is irrelevant how many people don't have a mortgage but would love to be able to afford one; this is the OP's situation, whatever anyone else's situation is.

If he intended to give them the money on an 'it's my house' deal, he should have made that clear when the money was offered.

[Shiningexample]

I think if I as in this situation I would get a loan and pay him off to get the manipulative creep off my back
but your husband doesnt want to...why is he happy for you both to be beholden to his manipulative father?

[HooseRice]

Is there a chance your FIL believes his name is on the deeds?

[Chippednailvarnishing]

she doesn't have to 'put up and shut up' hmm about him walking into her house unannounced

No she doesn't. As I've already said she or her DH could actually discuss it with him.

[contrary13]

I'm sorry... he might let you stay there for long enough to have another dog?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I had a similar problem with my father letting himself randomly into my house (which he has no % share in, it's mine and mine alone, thanks!). Until I discovered the joy of a security chain on the door... at which point he got the message that the spare key I gave my parents was for emergencies only. Now he even gets my mother to call and ask if it's okay if he comes up before he simply appears on the doorstep, too, so it is possible for retraining to happen.

As a previous poster said, just keep mentioning the words "my/our home" to him as opposed to "my/our house"... because one is vastly different to the other. Either that, or do the same to him and see how he likes it? He does sound overly invested, though. Are you certain it was only 30pc, OP?

(I have a key to the front door of my childhood home, but I would never dream of using it to let myself in randomly. It's for emergencies or if my parents are out and call me to fetch something from there, to them.)

[Shiningexample]

he's not a decent bloke and he doesnt play fair, I find it best not to enter into arrangements with characters like that
unless you find it enjoyable to 'play' him back and get one over on him?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Op - you are reminding me why me and Dh have always had a policy of not taking money off family. (My parents are pretty well off and have given my brother a 6 figure sum. They actually are the type who never mention it again - Db has confirmed this - but I hate the feeling of owing someone anything.)

So am actually very grateful for this thread. (As occassionally I do have pangs over the size of house / lifestyle we could have had.)

Ideally your Dh would speak up but it sounds like he won't. So next time he makes one of his super funny jokes you could say something like:-

"FIL - you seem to bring up the fact that you leant us money a small proportion of this house a lot. It is starting to worry me. P,ease be honest - are we not paying you back fast enough? Do you need the money? I've done some investigating and we could get a mortgage and pay you back if you like?"

Presumably he'll be all "oh no - of course not." (Or maybe not - maybe he does need the money and he hasn't got the courage to ask you.)

If he makes yet another joke you could go:-

"Right - you have mentioned this again. You obviously do need the money back. I'm so sorry we have been so slow on the uptake in realising this. We are so grateful for the loan but I'll set the ball rolling tomorrow on getting the mortgage. Hopefully it won't take more than a few weeks. Is that soon enough? We do have £X in savings that we could give you straight away if you need it. So sorry - we should have realised."

And then get the sodding mortgage with "but Dh - your dad needs the money and is too proud to admit it - I'm not going to let an old man go without just because he was so kind."

[icelollycraving]

That is a pretty big chunk to lend you. I would tell your dh you want to get a mortgage for it as the comments etc are really irritating you. If he feels strongly that he doesn't want to tell him to sort it that you're not being reminded & made to feel uncomfortable. Stand your ground.

[icelollycraving]

Do exactly what mumoftwo wrote.

[Lilacpink40]

You need your keys back so ask for them. If he says he may need to pop in, point out that you'd always be in as it would be pre-arranged.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

The not letting you stay that long is baffling.

He must think he owns the house. He has you over a barrel. I'd just change the sodding locks. Distance yourself a bit. Or get a mortgage and pay him back.

[RubbishMantra]

This would give me the Rage.

My then DP's father had control of his money (PoA due to mental health issues). He "allowed" DP, then DH, now ddDH, to loan me my half of the money for our home, until my house was sold.

After insisting we use "their" builders - fil attended the quote assessment. He strutted about like he owned the place, telling the builder what needed to be done. We wanted a cupboard built under the stairs, he disagreed. "Have shelves!" We wanted a solid oak floor, "no you should have laminate!" He even asked for a radiator to be moved ffs!

I had to remove myself from the situation, go into the garden and have a little rage. and a ciggie

I emailed the builder afterwards and told him what DH and I actually wanted done afterwards.

Can completely understand where you're coming from OP. Given me the Rage just thinking about it now. It's horrible when someone treats your HOME like it's their property.

[RubbishMantra]

OP, check with the Land Registry that fil isn't on the deeds. It's only £7.

[Shiningexample]

'home' is the place you use as a sanctuary, where you can relax, let your guard down and be your private self
it's a fundamental need, without it you lose dignity, you feel as if your most basic needs are not fulfilled.
When people are burgled they are usually very traumatized, feel violated and often want to move.
I'm not saying that what the FIL is doing is in the same league as a burglary, but it's a kind of stealth 'under the radar' attack on your basic sense of security

[LetHimselfIn]

I would have got a mortgage in the first place. I would get one now, but it's not just up to me and it would cause a lot of upset. As it is, I'm the only one who's (a bit) upset.

I'm not really onboard with the comments telling me to be grateful to be on the property ladder and to shut up. I am grateful, but I've also worked extremely hard and made a lot of sacrifices. I'm not saying renters haven't or don't, but I deserve to feel comfortable and secure in my home. All I want is FIL to stop calling it 'his' house and not to let himself in. I never said this was the end of the world, I was just seeking opinion as to whether others might find it irritating.

[LetHimselfIn]

He's not on the deeds. We treated it exactly like a mortgage. We pay a low rate of interest but far better than he'd get in a bank, currently. So it was vaguely win-win in that he didn't need a lump of capital and we did, but that he made more money than he would have otherwise.