Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

FIL let himself into our house

102 replies

LetHimselfIn · 06/08/2016 11:40

Background so as not to drip feed: FIL loaned us some money to buy our house, which meant we avoided a mortgage. I'm freelance so this was hugely helpful. He also has been great at helping us renovate, put in a new kitchen etc.

However he's constantly referring to it as 'his' house, saying he owns it etc. I put six figures into it so this doesn't really thrill me tbh. I know he's saying it in jest but it rankles.

He wanted to do some work on the kitchen whilst we were away, so we gave him some keys. He didn't return them, but more as an oversight.

He was due to come over today, and has just let himself in. I'm fuming but being polite. I wouldn't ever let myself into someone else's house without so much as a knock. I was getting dressed and it felt like a complete invasion of privacy.

Sigh. I'm probably overreacting but grrr.

OP posts:

Report

Floggingmolly · 07/08/2016 16:44

It's not as clear cut as it seems though, is it? What does the he wanted to do some work on the kitchen whilst we were away mean???
Did you ask (or want) him to?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 07/08/2016 16:45

Yes, I'd find it irritating.

But you can change the locks so you know he can't get in and you can check whether or not he's on the deeds.

Shiningexample · 07/08/2016 16:46

He's not on the deeds. We treated it exactly like a mortgage. We pay a low rate of interest but far better than he'd get in a bank, currently. So it was vaguely win-win in that he didn't need a lump of capital and we did, but that he made more money than he would have otherwise

if he was on the deeds he would have to pay capital gains tax on any profits from the sale of the property since it would count as a second home...or something like that, in any case there would be tax liabilities arising from the fact that it is not his principle private residence.

next time lamp him with that big heavy frying pan and claim that you thought he was a burglar
(joke!...well kinda)

TheABC · 07/08/2016 16:49

Get the key back - make an excuse if you must to keep the peace, but do so. Warn DH you are going to pull him up on the "my house" attitude as he is verbally pissing all over your territory. As for the dog joke, words fail me...If you did not respond with an expletive, you are a better woman than I am.

LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 16:50

Not on the deeds.

I will be asking DP to get the keys back. I'm pissed off and busying myself elsewhere.

He offered to do something on the kitchen refit and it was gratefully received. Honestly, he's a great person and extremely generous with time and expertise. I'd like to put this all down to social ineptitude and not knowing how it affects me. Which means I should tell him but I hate confrontation

OP posts:

i8sum314 · 07/08/2016 16:50

I know how you feel. My parents contributed a lot towards my house and I'll be forever grateful but they mistake gratitude for a lack of any boundaries at all. My mum nearly gave me a heart attack at the end of march. I was in bed with a man I liked (both single but not in a committed relationship and she woudl have disapproved) Thank God she didn't walk in on us. I blocked her half way up the stairs though. It was close. So embarrassing and annoying. I could have lived with her shock if it had been a boyfriend, might have taught her a lesson about privacy but I couldn't let her be concerned for me, shocked at my 'behaviour'. But in those circumstances, no. So I did nothing.
You've reminded me to get a chain for the front door.

i8sum314 · 07/08/2016 16:51

I agree, changing the locks would come across very aggressive in my parents' eyes. I'd rather take a gentler tone as well.

LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 16:52

TheABC - I muttered something about the back door being open and left the room before I stuck my fingers in his eyes. I've realised I've done that every time he's made a 'joke' - shouldn't he get the message?!

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnishing · 07/08/2016 16:55

He's not psychic , just ask him to knock so you can let him in.
I think you're being unfair by not actually addressing the issues as much as he is by his behaviour.

toldmywrath · 07/08/2016 16:59

I would find it irritating & more- it would upset me and annoy/ eventually make me angry.
Let I think a chain is the way to go, plus deadbolts when you're expecting him, if he holds onto your key. But I'd ask for it back, get your DH to support you. (men can be wallies, I know, saying it was alright for his dad to hold onto the key while you're frantically saying no)

We used to live nearby my parents & my dad kept visiting the minute I walked in from work with my DC (he'd watch out for my car) I asked him to stop, he is thick skinned so carried on doing as he pleased. He did use to knock, but if I didn't answer he'd come around the back & peer through the window. We put a big gate on & eventually moved! We owned our house, he had nothing whatsoever to do with any financial input by the way.

Dandelion6565 · 07/08/2016 17:00

I would go with the " we need to pay you back, clearly your uncomfortable, and to be honest so am I. I put down £100k on this house and I need it to be mine. I don't want you joking about me having another dog. I know you are saying it in humour but I find it demeaning. I'm looking at a mortgage."

Lock yourself out next week and claim back the key.

MsPavlichenko · 07/08/2016 17:11

Why does your DH's views re a mortgage /loan trump your own ?

LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 17:15

It doesn't trump it, but the status quo is always the easier position to have. Getting a mortgage now could also cause damage to his relationship with his father, which is more important than my relationship with DP. Plus my work position would be the one that might make a mortgage more difficult.

OP posts:

LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 17:15

Than my relationship with FIL**

OP posts:

ILikeBigBumpsAndICannotLie · 07/08/2016 17:28

I would be so annoyed by his behaviour I'd be tempted to ask him to buy me out.

MsPavlichenko · 07/08/2016 18:19

I was actually talking about your initial decision to go for the loan from your FIL, when it seems he did get his own way. And his relationship with his DD is not your problem to manage. It just strikes me that your FIL is quite controlling, and that you should be aware of this type of behaviour being a possibility with your DN.

You have said that you avoid confrontation. Nothing wrong with that unless you are privately seething (which you are).

LetHimselfIn · 07/08/2016 18:26

It seemed logical to take the loan as I had recently switched careers and was freelancing. I would have happily applied for a mortgage and hopefully got one, but I suppose we went for the easier option.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 07/08/2016 19:28

I can understand that. If your FIL wasn't controlling it wouldn't be an issue. But he is, and I'd be wary that it might also lead to an imbalance in your relationship with your DH because of that. It is interesting that you are reluctant to simple tell him too stop !. coming into your house using a key and 2. stop with the digs. If you were to, would your DH back you up? And it doesn't matter that he doesn't see an issue, you do. Yanbu.

boo2410 · 07/08/2016 19:49

OP, change the locks, your keys have been stolen . Small price to pay to have your home back.

dustarr73 · 08/08/2016 00:04

What if Fil thinks this house is for him when hes old and infirm.I would be nipping it in the bud now.

ronjo · 08/08/2016 08:09

Why did you put it in AIBU if you dont want people to say you are being U?

MiniCooperLover · 08/08/2016 08:29

Next time a 'joke' comment is made is the perfect time for you to respond and also make your own 'joke' about whose house it is. Or something like 'about that, I know you're joking but it's getting a bit old now' or something along that line.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mickeysminnie · 08/08/2016 08:34

Why can your dh not just tell his dad the jokes are getting old? No need for any drama surely?

CalmItKermitt · 08/08/2016 08:45

Just change the locks. You lost your keys.

nokidsyetnet · 08/08/2016 08:57

I think charging interest no matter how low on the loan takes away his right to make "jokes" it's the equivalent of Barclays rocking up letting themselves in and joking about eviction!

I think you should sit him down and talk about it maybe as part of a regular review of the loan. I do think that if you are going to borrow money from family you should be able to talk about that money on terms of interest rates, balances and if relevant inappropriate jokes by the mortgager to the mortgagee.

Otherwise you are paying it back WITH interest and they are acting like it's some big gift which it is not.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.