AIBU to think my family are all a bit shitty?

[LollieB]

Rant alert. Now my family are not horrendous by any means, but it is the low level constant shitty behaviour that gets me. My DH's family are basically very work shy and will do anything they can to shirk their responsibilities towards the failing, elderly members of the family, so me and my DH end up doing everything. They are also always doing stupid stuff which we end up having to sort out. My family, on the other hand, are not lazy, but very underhand and bitchy. We often find out that they have said or done unpleasant and hurtful things towards is from third parties or via seeing it ourselves on their social media posts. We recently held a bday party for our DS and thought it would be nice to get both sides of the family together. I spent the whole day prior to the party cooking, so that there would be decent food for the adults as well as the kids and they all stood around with faces like slapped arses and then moaned about the food on offer. I might be being unreasonable and I am certainly not perfect, but me and DH are the type of people who turn up to events and smile nicely, help people when they need a favour and try not to be mean to people. I'm so sick of this shit, that I'm thinking of just not bothering with the whole lot of them any more. Does anyone else have families like this or just us?

Some people are just selfish and that leaves others to pick up the slack unfortunately, especially where elderly relatives are concerned.

Moaning about the food you offered was just plain rude.

It's not like anyone was forcing them to eat it and I'm sure they have food at home.

Mine are too

Sorry to hear of yours at your party. I spent the morning at my mother's. I can't style my hair. I have aged. Lots of nasty comments. I ended up crying on the way home.

You have my sympathies! My mum's side of my family are bloody law unto themselves! It is at the point now where I don't know who can say what to because there is always someone huffing with someone else and someone has mentioned something they weren't supposed to. I'm afraid to speak for fear of causing WWIII so I spend any family events biting my tongue ad smiling like an idiot. You can never tell who will take offence at some mild comment such as "aunty joan's buffet was lovely wasn't it?" This is an actual comment I have witnessed causing a massive row! Its tiresome. I don't try anymore. Smile and nod. Then go home and scream into a pillow.

YANBU. We've just got back from a family holiday with my in laws, which should have been nice but there are several selfish and self centred members that spoiled it for me and DH who generally grin and bear their annoying behaviour. In addition, the grandparents who wanted the whole family together barely spent any time at all with the grandkids despite making a big song and dance about this beforehand. However, this is preferable to my side of the fam who are equally challenging for different reasons! Neither I or DH are perfect, but it's made me appreciate him far more than ever before! You are not alone OP

You are certainly not on your own with this, OP! There is always a bloody issue with dh side of family, mil even asked us to adopt her great niece's child to do her a favour! Always a bloody drama, this one not speaking to that one etc. They used to have an meetup every year, because there are so many of them, but we avoided the last two due to the shit that always hits the fan!

Since the children grew up DW's sister has taken off the mask of good manners. She now spends her time winding everybody up, which last Christmas nearly broke DW. She alternately monopolises and ignores MIL, helicopters her daughters (the older one of whom is part of Northern Gold Command ffs) and organises social gatherings and then doesnt bother to book anywhere. DD no longer calls her Auntie, but refers to her as "that cow".

I have nothing to do with my "family" best thing I ever did.
Got in touch with my dad in January, who has turned out to be just as bad. Said bye bye to that one too, again good choice. You don't have to be in contact with people who make you unhappy :-) good luck OP

oh gawd no mine are all dreadful

Interesting to hear that people are having similar experiences. I know that family relationships are complex, but I think it is just so as that people can't moderate their behaviour. Each time I get shocked by something one of the family says or does, I get over it and think maybe it won't happen again. It always does. The only exception in the family is my mum who is lovely and does her best never to offend anyone. Surely it's not that hard?

I just stopped going to the events , why put yourself through it ?

DH is lovely his family is vile, I have nothing to do with them, easy!!

I never mix my family with dh family ..... Never

You and your H sound like people pleasers and as lovely as that is it can leave you vulnerable and easy to take advantage of. You may find it helpful to work on your personal boundaries and stop being so available. You really don't have to help all the older people in H's family, this enables the rest of the family to carry on behaving as they do. Supporting the more vulnerable person to get professional support maybe more helpful long term.
Don't organise joint family events and seriously consider going LC with those members of your family you find toxic.