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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry and confused at friend copying my disability

92 replies

BeyondSpecialSnowflake · 05/08/2016 14:03

I know this has potential to go so wrong, but I have to get it out :(
Can I put in a polite preemptive request that general benefits bashing goes in another thread?

I have a series of complex disabilities, I receive high rate ESA and PIP and my DP is my full time carer. I have a friend who has started copying my disabilities, elaborate "fainting" (to quote - "oh you know, just like what beyond has") and puffing and panting in pain. I feel shit that I doubt it is real, but I think she is actually jealous of the benefits I receive and trying to get them for herself. She justitfies her (increasing) drug use and refuses to do things with "I'm so ill, I'm going to end up in a wheelchair like beyond". She has also been caught out lying about seeing specialists

I just don't know what to do. I am so angry at her, but she is obviously having such a hard time to think that my life is something to aim for. I've never encountered someone playing the system before, and have no proof but a gut feeling that she is either.

Possibly related, she also has a very jokey 'thing' for my DP. I don't think she actually does want to 'steal' him, but other friends have been very Hmm about it, especially considering the above.

So, yeah, I just had to get that off my chest. Does anyone have a magic wand to make it go away?

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 05/08/2016 14:48

sorry that should read "towards you" in my second last sentence

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2016 14:50

I've seen this a couple of times and in both cases the person pretending had underlying issues. In one case NPD and in the other some learning disabilities and other issues. They both, I think, actually believed they were ill. I wouldn't have been friends with either of them since the relationships were deeply unhealthy.

If you're feeling bad when you're with her, defensive and worried, time to get rid of the friendship.

GarlicMistake · 05/08/2016 15:33

Just in case you need still more affirmation ... Yes, there's something wrong with her but whatever it is, it isn't the same as what you have. You have no obligation to identify or to treat whatever it is. She's feeding off you and your relationship, therefore it's unhelpful for you & DH to have her around.

If you're still having difficulty with the idea of dumping her, try Zebbie's suggestion about the fake symptom. There's no real need for subterfuge, though: we are all entitled to end whichever relationships we feel are no longer good for us.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/08/2016 15:59

She sounds a bit Single White Female. OP, in your position I would avoid her like the plague.

Original poster
BeyondSpecialSnowflake · 05/08/2016 16:02

Thank you all. I know it can't continue like this and if I were telling someone else I'd say they have no obligation to continue a relationship (be that romantic or friends), so why I can't tell myself this I have no idea!
It does help to hear it from others though :)

She has not (yet!) copied my hair... Grin

OP posts:
BlueLeopard · 05/08/2016 16:08

I knew a couple of women like this - first one liked to invent pregnancies which she miscarried, plus various other health issues that were played for a while then forgotten about.

The second one would bore you to tears about her Endo/IBS stuff, but all the specialists she went to and all the diagnostic tests found absolutely nothing, she regularly checked in to her local hospital on FB and would constantly text her friends about all the stuff in her diet that would trigger a bout of IBS. Yet when we would all get together and do a pot luck dinner there was never anything that she was unable to eat. Or drink for that matter Hmm Turns out she had a little painkiller problem, which became obvious with her switching GP's all the time and the fact that A&E would refuse to give her prescriptions for pain relief.

GarlicMistake · 05/08/2016 16:23

Oh dear, BlueLeopard, I hope I'm not your first woman! All my pregnancies miscarried and I have ME/CFS, which was misdiagnosed for years and a lot of people don't 'believe in it' anyway.

Original poster
BeyondSpecialSnowflake · 05/08/2016 17:25

Gonna watch Single White Female tonight for research purposes Grin

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/08/2016 17:34

From www.nhs.uk/conditions/Munchausens-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx -
"Munchausen's syndrome is a psychological disorder where someone pretends to be ill or deliberately produces symptoms of illness in themselves."

"Their main intention is to assume the "sick role" to have people care for them and be the centre of attention."

"Any practical benefit in pretending to be sick – for example, claiming incapacity benefit – isn't the reason for their behaviour."

Sounds quite like how you describe Sad, even down to having a thing for your carer husband - not so much your husband personally but someone to care for her.

So, I'd say she has problems but they are not the same as your problems. And in another sense they are not your problems, and you don't have to deal with them.

I'd just choose to not be around her. I wouldn't want to feel like her 'template', allowing her to access unnecessary (and potentially harmful) treatment more easily by having schooled herself to present more convincingly.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 05/08/2016 17:46

I had a friend like this. Luckily she's moved to the other side of the world and unfortunately I've lost all the contact details I had for her. It's unlikely she'll ever come back here again which means I'll probably never see her again. The relief is immense.

She (F) picked up illnesses from everyone around her, and if we didn't have enough things wrong with us she'd find another ailment or two. One friend (S) was seriously depressed for a while - F ended up on ADs too. For a long time S feared that F's depression was her fault, which didn't help the way she was feeling. F also had sessions with the only local counsellor and would tell S in great detail what happened, slagging off the counsellor continuously. This put F off going herself for a few years, which put back her recovery greatly.

The worst thing was when yet another friend, G, developed an extremely rare life-limiting illness. It wasn't long before F had it too, and would be looking for sympathy from G because "she knew what she was going through". Absolutely awful.

But as I said the friendship group has moved away and luckily F went the furthest away.

Badders123 · 05/08/2016 18:03

What you have there is a "frenemy"

Welshmaenad · 05/08/2016 18:08

I would tell her some made up new symptoms/new trial drug or treatment that you have been offered. Just to see if she starts claiming them as her own. But then I'm a bit twisted.

GabsAlot · 05/08/2016 18:11

soounds like munchausens or at the very least a serious attention seeking problem

how long have u known her? canu slowly stop answering call texts till she gets the message?

it sad what people wil do sometimes but that in itself is a mh problem

contrary13 · 05/08/2016 18:31

I have a friend (V) who has done similar. She lied about having thyroid cancer for years - as a friendship group, we all rallied round and supported her, another friend (B) actually had cancer herself at the time (she's in full remission now) and she went out of her way, even though really unwell at the time herself, to be there for V. And then... little things didn't quite add up. A few of us got together and started to compare notes - which we all felt horrible for doing, but we each had little niggles about the things V had told us. In the end, B and I ended up going to talk to V's DM about the situation (because we've known her the longest), and it was the first the poor woman had heard of her DD being anything less than hale and hearty. She ended up being sectioned.

Since then, there's been no more talk of being ill when she's not - but she still lies. I think she forgets that we're all friends, not just her and everyone else in the group. So, she'll brag to me about being a hot-shot lawyer (even though I know she's not and never has been), and then to V about being a computer programmer, and then to someone else about being a SAHM. If it weren't for the fact that we know she's mentally not very well, and because we've known her for over 30 years now, we'd probably do the sensible thing and cut her loose. But we do, and we have, and so we don't.

Some people, unfortunately, are simply liars. I don't know what they get out of it, but there must be something, else why do it? My advice, OP, is trust your instincts. Even though we all felt horrible, and disloyal, my friendship group and I all know that if we hadn't listened to those little gut niggles we all had and compared notes about them, then V would never have got the help that she actually needed. And as she had a very young baby at the time, I honestly dread to think what might have happened.

Original poster
BeyondSpecialSnowflake · 05/08/2016 21:29

If we're playing internet diagnosis, she does meet a good chunk of the criteria for BPD..! Anyway, DP has now seen the potential stiletto-to-the-head he may end up with if she were to get into bed with him, so I think he's had a fair warning Grin

OP posts:
seahorse106 · 05/08/2016 21:36

A bit like a friend of mine who kept claiming he was terminally ill and kept having all these parties because he wasn't going to be around to see his next birthday etc. That was 5 years ago and he's still here and fine !

BlueLeopard · 05/08/2016 22:08

GarlicMistake No, it was that we believed her for ages. I and another woman also had recurrent miscarriages so we all had that in common. Then things /dates didnt quite add up, and she was caught out rightly lying about something else that happened. Very like contrary's friend a few posts up this woman also got psych treatment.

It hurt a lot that she would lie over something that she knew caused us so much pain in our own lives.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/08/2016 00:52

Grin OP.

hungryhippo90 · 06/08/2016 01:30

Yes!!! Single white female! Watch it!!!
PS. Back away from her with one hand firmly on your man.

GreatFuckability · 06/08/2016 01:39

She may very well be unwell. Physically or mentally. but either way you dont have to continue a friendship with someone who makes you feel this way.

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 06/08/2016 01:51

I have a complex medical condition that leads to issues with several symptoms. I am painfully vague when discussing it with anyone but my husband or my medical team.

Past experiences with individuals like your "friend" play a large part in why...

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 06/08/2016 01:58

Several systems... argh.

Apparently, proof reading my posts just might be one of them...

StillMedusa · 06/08/2016 02:06

Dump her.. it's not worth the hassle!
I had a 'friend' like this. I have two rare conditions.. Episodic Ataxia type 2 and Trigeminal Neuralgia ..which I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.
Sometimes I can walk fine.. do everything, but when the Ataxia hits I am in a wheelchair or stick at best. I take a ton of meds to control it (and the TN pain)
My friend started to copy me... started to have 'balance problems'.. and then fatigue, then pain.. asked me loads about my symptoms then developed them all! I don't even claim PIP or ESA as I am still working and my work place is fab with me, so what she thought I was getting out of my disabilities I don't know.. I try to function as well as I can.
After she appeared with a walking stick telling she knew how I felt but hers was SOOO much worse, I thought ..sod it. I don't need her in my life. Withdrew from contact.
She then latched on to a mutual friend who has incapacitating back problems and surprise surprise, developed that too...

Sorebigtoes · 06/08/2016 03:00

I worked with someone who faked cancer. It's sad to think that limiting themselves like this is something to aim for. I'd back away from the friendship for sure.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 06/08/2016 03:31

My DH's ex faked cancer to try and stop him leaving her. He totally believed her for over a year until I pointed out why she had to be lying (I am medical, he is not) she is still alive fifteen years later. I worked with someone who was utterly shit at her job and blamed a brain tumour she definitely does not have. She was fired and has been fired from two other jobs since. Presumably other people can see through her lies too. I am beginning to think this is more common than I first assumed.

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