to really HATE mother and baby groups and want to ditch them?

[hearthattack]

I've been to three different ones with my 9 month old, the latest today. All left me feeling quite stressed, deflated and frankly depressed, for so many different reasons.

1. I had an awful time when my son was born. I nearly died, was in intensive care for a while, in and out of hospital for months and ended up with a hysterectomy. I missed most of his first three months either in hospital or off my face on painkillers. So the usual chat about The Birth and the sleeping and the feeding etc makes me well up a bit and don't feel I can really join in.

2. My health visitor insists I should go to groups to meet other Mums. I've got a few friends who are mums already, though not very near by. I don't really see being a mum as enough of a thing in common to build an entire friendship on. I don't really like where we live that much and feel a bit of a fish out of water. And I just don't get why I should suddenly want to make friends with people I otherwise wouldn't just because we both did something that's quite common.

3. The quality of these sessions seems pretty pants to me too. Baby Massage basically consisted of stroking your baby in a way I kind of instinctively did already. Music group involved one lady singing quietly over a naff recording while no one (except me, until I got the stares) joined in. Today's messy play involved an empty water bottle with a few bits of pasta in (we have one of those) and some old tin cans (which incidentally were quite sharp!).

My 9 month old is a pretty confident, physical, independent kid. He can nearly walk and chatters nonsense to everyone he meets. I take no credit for this and I'm not bragging, it's just his nature. It comes with it's own set of pit falls. But it means that at groups pitched for his age, all the other kids site nicely in a circle and he just wants to romp around and shout.

I can't tell if I find these activities so hard purely because of my weirdo hangups (plenty) or because they're essentially crap.

AIBU? When I left the group today I had a bit of a cry as soon as I got to the safety of the car. Is it worth it? He's going to be starting nursery a couple of days a weeks soon so will get lots of social interaction there. Should I stick at it and get over myself so he's not always the weird kid like I was?

Groups aren't compulsory-don't go if you won't enjoy them. However our local tumble tots is excellent. My little boy sounds very similar to yours and it's great for getting him to run round, climb etc. We avoided music groups and rhyme time things too.

Another vote as well for trying a church run or NCT playgroup with a wider age range. I've tried dozens of local groups over the last couple of years and there's only 2 or 3 I'm happy to go to regularly.

I hated the organised ones where the kids had to sit still. But with my second baby I discovered a local (synagogue) group which was a free for all pile in with snacks and coffees and while I didn't actually make any proper friends I had adult company and made some useful contacts (nannies and childminders). Also a sort of soft play session at the local sports centre was fun, and rhyme time at the library. And swimming, but not actual lessons just in the local pool which has a baby session with an instructor and loads of toys. I'm not a social person, but by 6-9 months it felt nice to get out and introduce some new things to the baby. Though baby 3 is 11 months and gets his entertainment from the school run, tesco and flirting with our builders!

Everyone told me I had to go to them too, but I resisted (went to one session once, never went back) because they sound awful. I haven't suffered for it, neither has my DS. Don't feel you have to go because other people tell you you have to - we're all different and your DS won't care at all!

I hated them. My ds is two. I have a number of friends with children the same age and even though he sees them regularly people still say 'Won't you take him to a group?' 'When is he going to nursery?'

Argh!

We found one group we like. It is a messy play group but ds just mainly likes the duplo! It's just thankfully not sitting in a circle singing or sharing birth stories. Other mummies tend to not enjoy my emergency c-section story!

Anyway, your baby is going to nursery soon. Do not get stressed about these groups, they are not for everyone!! I loved it when my mum pointed out to me they are for mums to meet other mums, but I already have that so she said don't go if you don't want to!

They're not compulsory! I went to a couple but was happy at home with a box set or out walking with the pram trying to shed the baby weight most of the time!

I loved baby groups with my 2 children and did them all. Massage, music time, sensory play, baby ballet...sussed out which were naff and ditched them. I made some great friends. But, there is plenty to do without going to baby groups. Feed the sucks, walk to the shops, library, swimming, soft play, zip, farm, visit friends, set up your own messy play at home, etc. Do what makes you happy- groups aren't for everyone.

Ducks!

Organised baby groups are hell, and pointless hell at that as the babies couldn't care less.

My ds1 (2) naps when all the groups are on 10:30am to lunch. So we don't get to any. It's a shame because he would love it. Although not any sitting still.

I'm quite jealous of all the people who didn't need baby groups due to having loads of friends already.

On Mat leave I wouldn't have seen anybody during the day during the week if I hadn't done to baby activities and met other mat leave mums.

I've had no luck with baby groups. I probably should because I don't really have any actual friends where I live (of the mum variety or otherwise.) but I just can't drag myself out the house most days.

I didn't really go to random baby groups and just stuck to the ones where friends I had already made in the NCT group went. Plus I knew I was going back to work so there wasn't much point getting too involved. It's easy to get to know a few parents at nursery and school.

I did a few. My favourite was the playgroup in the church hall where for £1.20 dd could have fun and I could sit with a brew and a slice of toast. Bloody marvellous.

The worst one was a breastfeeding group I went to when dd2 was 5 days old. My mw told me to try it as I'd had awful problems feeding dd1 (she was hospitalised due to weight loss) and was struggling with dd2.

The other mums were talking about a mum they hadn't seen in a while. One of them piped up that she'd seen this poor woman at another baby group and had looked over her shoulder while they were filling in registration forms and she'd ticked the mixed feeding box. Cue share intake of breath and general horror. In my postnatal state I got in the car and cried. I'd mixed fed dd1 and the thought that people would talk about me in that context was just horrible. I never went back and let rip on the evaluation form I was sent.

I went to nothing with either of mine. With DC1 HV tried to initially encourage me to attend a reunion of my NHS antenatal class once the babies were born. None of us had actually spoken to each other at the sessions so didn't really see any point She then tried to get me involved in a baby weigh / baby group in a local church hall. She eventually gave up!

I loved maternity leave. Walked loads with the pram, browsed the shops as they slept, just pottered around with them generally. I genuinely couldn't be arsed hanging around with total strangers.

It sounds like you're doing just fine on your own and unless you're in desperate need of 'mum friends' (each to their own) then I wouldn't bother.

That wasn't a dig at anyone with 'Mum friends' BTW. The term just makes my teeth itch and my toes curl.

I went to just about everything going and though eventually I met some nice women I would see from time to time they were far harder a social test than I anticipated, having generally got on well with striking up chat and connections in other life situations.

But any weirdnesd there paled into insignificance when compared with school gate mums. That is just suffocating.

Moved nearer to my mum and sister this year and am so glad to have a bit of support to meet people as myself and not only as "Mum".

Sorry by they in first paragraph I mean the groups not the women.

There's no rule you must go to baby groups. It's totally up to you, so if or don't enjoy them, don't feel forced to go! It depends on the groups and your situation and personality. Maybe you don't feel
You need to
Meet other mums so much, perhaps you just feel fine as you are, or you already have quite a few friends and family members around with children. That's totally fine if you're happy as you are! That said, I used to have mixed feelings about baby groups at first, too. I felt that they were sometimes a bit competitive, sometimes a bit pointless, and sometimes just made me feel like an outsider. I also felt that it was weird I should suddenly forge friendships with random other women who happened to live near me and have kids around the same age. However, my sister changed my perspective when she said to me that I should try to see them as just a temporary circle of people who you can talk to and get baby related advice from, and just spend some pleasant time with, and not try to think that you should have to forge real friendships with the other mums. It's basically just a pleasant way for you and baby to spend some time. And if you're lucky, you may meet someone you randomly clock with (like I did at one mum
And baby yoga group) and become real friends with, but don't have the expectation that you should make real friends. Once I saw it like that it took some of the pressure off, and I was able to just go to groups and chat in a relaxed way and just see it as some hours spend in a nice way for me and my daughter. It really helped me feel
Less isolated, given that hardly any of my pre-baby friends have kids. Also, don't feel pressured that you have to share your story if you don't feel like it, that's another thing I learned, just sit back and take it as it comes, if you feel more comfortable taking a bit of a back seat no one will judge you, everyone's all wrapped up in their own baby anyway!

Maybe your hv wants you to try to get more out of where you are living, these groups are more about you than the kids Do you see much of your friends? Maybe they know some better groups you could go to with them

You can feel vulnerable and tearful for quite a while after having a baby, especially if it’s a new experience for you, the birth was traumatic, there are residual health problems for you or the baby or you're not getting much support. On top of that you are often staggering around in a sleep-deprived fog.

Under those circumstances, having a cheery conversation with complete strangers can be a challenge, especially if they have a convoluted tale to tell and you are trying to retain all the pieces in your mind so you can respond semi-coherently. The experience can feel a bit precarious - like trying to spin a plate.

If, at the same time, you are endeavouring to maintain a vigilant watch over a toddler that’s careering around like a Duracell bunny on pep pills, then that’s another plate you’ve got to spin.

Add in a cup of tea that you don’t want to spill and it can feel like you’re spinning two plates whilst riding a unicycle.

Or maybe it just seems that way to me because I’m bad at multitasking!

These groups are a bit like dating - you have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince! I tried quite a few that I didn't go back to before finding one with people I clicked with. We formed our own group, meeting up at parks or each others' places each week for years.

I probably wouldn't have been friends with most of them if we didn't have kids the same age, and we drifted apart once the kids went to school, but it was nice to have a group of pleasant, supportive adults to talk to, and a reason to get out of the house, and my DC enjoyed it.

One of the friendships lasted tho - I had dinner with her the other night and those babies are now 16! Everyone's different, and maybe they're not for you, but it may be worth trying a few more before you give up. I found the support and companionship really valuable when I found the right group.

I wouldn't judge or stress about differing birth experiences.
I had 3 quick and amazing births but spent most of my DS's first 18 moths with him in and out of hospital( he's severely disabled)

We found a group which is suitable for him and me.... That's the important thing!

Do you remember any socialising you did/any baby groups you went to before the age of 3? Nope. Me neither.

This idea that you need to constantly stimulate children is very American, unproven, and puts unnecessary pressure on mums.

Just do what makes you happy and enjoy your baby in whatever form that takes. Everyone is different. By no.2/3 you will realise you were worrying over nothing!

Some of them are rubbish. Don't bother with them.
HV's are often truely awful. She has no authority to 'insist' anything.
But you do sound really down, so I suggest you do need to make a friend somewhere. Or speak to your mum, friend, someone.

You don't have to go, especially if they make you feel like that. When I had DD1 I went to a first time mums group at the local children's centre which for me turned out to be a lifesaver with friends 4 years on. All other groups I tried like the baby massage were crap.
This time with DS (12 months) I live overseas and am having a crap time at mum and baby groups. My DS isn't super mobile for his age which draws endless comments and I just find it cliquey and difficult. So I'm not going.

Try a few as you never know if you might click with the people at one, if you don't like and you are happy doing other things then don't go and don't feel bad about it.