to really HATE mother and baby groups and want to ditch them?

[hearthattack]

I've been to three different ones with my 9 month old, the latest today. All left me feeling quite stressed, deflated and frankly depressed, for so many different reasons.

1. I had an awful time when my son was born. I nearly died, was in intensive care for a while, in and out of hospital for months and ended up with a hysterectomy. I missed most of his first three months either in hospital or off my face on painkillers. So the usual chat about The Birth and the sleeping and the feeding etc makes me well up a bit and don't feel I can really join in.

2. My health visitor insists I should go to groups to meet other Mums. I've got a few friends who are mums already, though not very near by. I don't really see being a mum as enough of a thing in common to build an entire friendship on. I don't really like where we live that much and feel a bit of a fish out of water. And I just don't get why I should suddenly want to make friends with people I otherwise wouldn't just because we both did something that's quite common.

3. The quality of these sessions seems pretty pants to me too. Baby Massage basically consisted of stroking your baby in a way I kind of instinctively did already. Music group involved one lady singing quietly over a naff recording while no one (except me, until I got the stares) joined in. Today's messy play involved an empty water bottle with a few bits of pasta in (we have one of those) and some old tin cans (which incidentally were quite sharp!).

My 9 month old is a pretty confident, physical, independent kid. He can nearly walk and chatters nonsense to everyone he meets. I take no credit for this and I'm not bragging, it's just his nature. It comes with it's own set of pit falls. But it means that at groups pitched for his age, all the other kids site nicely in a circle and he just wants to romp around and shout.

I can't tell if I find these activities so hard purely because of my weirdo hangups (plenty) or because they're essentially crap.

AIBU? When I left the group today I had a bit of a cry as soon as I got to the safety of the car. Is it worth it? He's going to be starting nursery a couple of days a weeks soon so will get lots of social interaction there. Should I stick at it and get over myself so he's not always the weird kid like I was?

Op so many people had awful births too but they gloss over in public or dont mention it.

You will come across someone who has had one and who understands, there are so many of us about, more so than normal straight forward ones.

The thing is - its not really about the massage etc it really is about meeting other mums. When you can make ONE DECENT friend its all worth it and your baby has a little pal to play with.

There are so many different types and the same group can be totally different week to week as different people turn up!

Aw love, it sounds like the groups near you are a bit crap. Ditch those groups and find something else fun! Baby swimming is great as it's quite relaxing to have a half hour dip and no forced chat with other mums. Or how about a buggy fit class so it's for you not your baby? Or toddler groups if he's nearly walking? My DH is going to take our baby to tumble tots once walking.
The best group I found was a church one that was based entirely on mums having somewhere to be themselves and support each other, with toys for the babies. Are there any church groups near you maybe.

I loved one of my groups - made a lifelong friend there.

The other two local ones, not so much.

Don't go if you're not getting anything out of them and don't think your baby is either.

I hate the baby groups I've been to. The one run by my local HV really was a nest of vipers. When I mentioned FF one of the lovely women there shouted "What's wrong with Mummy's boobie juice?" and gave me a lecture on why I'm a bad parent.

I take DD swimming, we walk through the park. I have zero friends with babies but I'm happier away from the groups.

I went to a couple a week when mine were babies/toddlers. It broke up the week and gave us a bit of a routine. Can't say I ever made any long lasting friends but chatting to another adult was very welcome. You don't have to go to them if you don't want to. There's no rule.

You don't need to go to them OP. If you don't like them - ditch them.

But I recommend finding an under 1's coffee morning/group to go to instead. You just put the babies on a play mat together with a few toys and then relax with a cup of tea for an hour. No stress or expectations.

hearthattack I don't have fond memories of baby/toddler groups!

I tried a few mainly because the HV thought we ought to go along. She felt it was important for the development of DS's social skills. I persevered for a while but came out feeling jangled after each session. DS wouldn’t sit still for a moment plus I didn’t have much in common with the Mums I met. It all felt a bit forced and artificial. When I stopped going, I felt like I was letting DS down. But looking back now, I don’t think going – or not going – made much difference! And I wish I hadn’t felt so guilt-tripped by the HV, who seemed to generate a not-a-moment-to-lose-or-he'll-end-up-a-social-pariah feel around the whole thing.

But don’t forget HVs have chosen to be HVs because they enjoy meeting strangers and chattering to them about baby stuff. Perhaps they find it hard to imagine that what is energizing and interesting for them might be completely frazzling for others. And I certainly don’t think anyone should feel bad if they decide the baby group experience isn’t for them.

Eventually my DS started nursery and we slowly got to know other families through exchanging a few words here and there at drop off and pick up.

And so will you!

It sounds like you have had a really stressful time of it so far – and honestly, I think you should just do things that bring you joy with your DS.

Eurggghh. Hated them, still do. At the stage mine are at (toddlers now) it's all pushy mum talk of school catchments and whether to move house, pretend to be a churchgoer (for primary entrance) or pay privately. Does my bloody head in.

I never went to any but i used to invite other mums that I was friendly with who had babies to mine once a week and that sort of grew into its own mother and baby group! It was great because I had people I liked to chat too and it was good for those other mums too. When the kids went off to school we still met up once a week for lunch. and we are all still friends even though the kids are all teenagers now. It is really good to mix with others who have babies but going to a group of strangers can be hard and not always easy. Do you know any other mums you could meet up with in your home (or their homes?)?

I really struggled with baby groups but kept persevering. Until a good friend commented; 'Look, just because you all had sex at roughly the same time 2 years ago, doesn't mean you will have anything else in common'.

Go to the ones you enjoy. Skip the ones you don't.

FWIW, I did not really make friends with 'other mums' until DS started attending his current school. Now I am really getting alot of enjoyment out of the friends we have both made.

Recommend church toddler groups. They are 99% not religious. Just toys in a hall for kids to play with and run around. You get a cuppa and a bit of a chat. I have never discussed my (awful but not as bad as yours) birth.
Much more laid back and a huge range of ages of children (0-4) means no one cares about what exact age each milestone is met!
If you don't like, don't bother. I meet up with all different friends in the week, the only baby group we did (and still do) is swimming which doesn't force crap chat!

I could never imagine baby groups and never went to any, nor nursery come to that.
All 3 came through with no problems being able to make friends.

I always hated them. I went to my local church group with my first and got fed up of the little 'dig' comments about where I lived, that I was so young (17) and who my Il's were . When DC 2&3 came along 18 months later one 'helpful' HV suggested I attend another group that started at 9.30am I recall my DH telling her not to be so stupid and not to come back We were knackered and she was expecting me (as DH worked) to get 3 babies ready while sleep deprived to attend a group . When I had DC 4 20 months after Dc2&3 I met another mum I'd spoken to at my ante natal appointments. We used to meet up a couple of times a week at hers or mine. We found a lovely group held in a local Salvation Army hall and it was fantastic. I still regularly meet people I met there 30 years later

Personally, baby groups were a lifesaver for me. Gave me a reason to get out of the house, met some lovely friends and got some great advice about DS. But I need to talk to other adults or I go mad, and have no family or friends with kids locally.

If you don't enjoy them then don't go. They are for your benefit, your baby doesn't care!

Organised classes (baby sensory etc.) are for "good" babies. Ones that sleep well (so neither of you are grumpy) and generally have a placid disposition. As a result, they were a complete disaster for us. DS couldn't sit still/stop crying so i ended up being overly stressed as well as horrifically sleep-deprived.
I now go to a toddler group at a church once a week. It's a few hours of completely unstructured play, where DS can run and play with his playgroup chums. I've just got used to being the mum of the child who doesn't stop talking/running/whining and as long as he's not physically harming another child or being a total nuisance, I let him do as he pleases. I'm long past caring what other parents think about my difficult, but lovely, boy.
Don't go to the ones that stress you out. Find a low-key group (community led ones seem to be the best) and let your DC potter about. You may find other lovely mums/grans/dads to talk to, you may not. But I always figured it was at least 2 hours out of the house so it was worth any initial discomfort.
But like previous posters have said, if you don't want to go, don't go. If you can fill your day at home, it's an unecessay stress.

My DP works at home so I've never felt the need to socialise, or share stories of feeding/sleeping etc.. but when DS was two I went to stay and play so he could do different activities. It's okay, he likes it but I find it stressful dealing with DS hitting another child or someone doing something to him.. The staff say we are meant to be with our children at all times but the mums just use it as an opportunity to gossip (they all seem to know each other from the same estate)
He'll be doing his free hours at a pre-school when he's 3 so he'll get socialisation then. There's so much pressure for social, social, social! Just do what makes you both happy.

Oh and we never get on with rhyme time/story time sessions either, DS is usually the only one who doesn't want to sit still. I end up thinking "why does everyone have a calm and placid child?" and then realise that the parents with active kids probably avoided those places

Baby groups are hard, especially for first time mums. It was all a competition when I had my first baby and I went, full of first time mums bragging about this and that - makes you feel insecure.

You don't have to go. I found with my second baby the local park was good and I could chat to mums that seemed down to earth.

Agree that the park is great, no pressure in an enclosed space.

I'm gutted I didn't realise that with my first baby! It's all so new and you are constantly wondering if you are doing things 'right'. It actually brought my confidence right down. Don't get me started on all the materialistic shit that went down also, for example buggies and changing bags.

Church baby groups and the like and the absolute worst!

Do you have a Gymboree near you? I went along with DD and without trying made some wonderful mum friends who I'm still in touch with nearly six years later...

It's totally trial and error. I've been to a few groups that totally didn't float my boat. At 16 months I decided to go to a free play gymnastics session rather than an actual baby/toddler group. At 2.4 I went back to baby/toddler groups because I had a baby and needed that extra support and help which I got from this new group. I've met mums in loads of different places though so no need to force friendships in awkward situations.

the sure start groups were the worst

I never liked them and stopped going. I don't think I enjoy any organised group activities though!

Hi, I also hated baby groups. Just do something you enjoy with your baby - happy mum, happy child (sort of)