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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to plan to give my baby my surname and not my partners?

99 replies

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:38

Hi,

I'm due my first baby with my DP later this year and although I know it might not go down very well, I'm planning on giving the baby my surname. We're not married obviously and although that may change at one point (he's making no promises) it's not on the cards in the very near future. I just don't want to have a different surname than my child.

I feel IANBU as the tradition of giving a fathers surname is usually due to marriage but just checking I'm not just being stubborn or difficult on what is the expected/done thing. Unfortunately double barrelling would be a mouthful as it would end up very long.

Thanks!!

OP posts:

honeylulu · 04/08/2016 20:27

I'm married, kept my original name, children have both names and the option if dropping one at secondary age. My eldest has chosen mine.
No way was I changing my name. I'm not a chattel. (I refused to be "given away" in church too.) No way were my children not having my name.
All my divorced/separated friends have ended up with the children living primarily with them (the mothers) and most bitterly regret lumbering their kids with the name of some feckless so-and-so who has buggered off to make a new life and babies with someone else.
BTW even with my son having a double barrelled name I was interrogated at Trieste airport as to his parentage. Quite alarming.

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 20:38

Middle name wouldn't be an option for them if she intends to change her surname and the child's when they get married. Unless it's baby hisname hername and then upon marriage baby hername hisname.

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 20:42

kungfu hecantbeserious apologies if you think I ignored you, the messages were coming thick and fast. I mentioned the middle name to him and he said that would be weird if then it gets changed (if we get married) and it's then first-name middle-name last-name with the last 2 the same. I guess we could change it though, so that is a good compromise. We'll still bicker as I'd want to have his name as middle lol

deadgood I'd clearly not thought about the being married and not changing my name.

OP posts:

ITCouldBeWorse · 04/08/2016 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 21:22

itcouldbeworse very true! I'm very happy with my decision now. I always felt it was the right thing but as I can understand his perspective I guess I wanted to hear I'm not being unreasonable from others. Thank you everyone for your comments.

OP posts:

pleasemothermay1 · 04/08/2016 21:24

Don't do it if he wants you all to have the same surname then he needs to put a ring on it

ITCouldBeWorse · 04/08/2016 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunFlower222 · 04/08/2016 21:33

YANBU - I think pratically it makes much more sense in most families for the children to have Mum's name.
It's just a tradition that children have their father's surname but it is likely to be you taking baby to appointments, being involved with school etc.
The biggest issue can be when you fly with your child, if you have different surnames they will sometimes be suspicious of you flying with a child, who for all they know, could belong to anybody.
As a compromise a double barrelled name would also be fine.
I've not changed my name since we got married, my DD's have a double barrelled name.

NayaDeles · 04/08/2016 21:35

Yanbu at all OP. Personally I can't get my head around the tradition of giving the child the fathers surname but that could have something to do with the fact that I'm Spanish and the tradition is that the children get both surnames. For me there was no question of what my daughter's surname would be. I know not everyone sees it like that though and obviously it's every individual couples decision but in my mind my children have my surname. For me that's how it is, that's how it's done.

justilou · 04/08/2016 21:38

I wish I'd kept my maiden name (and I will use it again when I go to work).... My kids are going to be saddled with much ridicule as a result of carrying on my husband's name. Mine's much cooler - albeit a wee bit harder to spell.

Bluebell878275 · 04/08/2016 23:06

You do know it's not just YOUR decision...don't you?

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 23:19

Of course bluebell but given its not just my baby, I was willing to consider that I'm not always correct or fair in my decisions (I'm only human). However, this time I do believe I am and having that confirmed by so many people (who share my views) has helped me feel stronger about it. That's all I wanted from this

OP posts:

Brandnewiggi · 04/08/2016 23:22

Naming the baby IS ultimately just the decision of the unmarried mother though isn't it, she can register the birth alone if she wants to (as can a married father).

GreatFuckability · 04/08/2016 23:39

YANBU to want to give the baby your surname, but he isn't unreasonable for him to want it to have his either.
I have a different surname to my children and we travel with no issue whatsoever, so i really wouldn't worry on that score.

Bluebell878275 · 04/08/2016 23:40

There are plenty of people that won't share your view..just depends on where you ask. The mature thing to do would be to have a talk with your partner and come to a compromise..or toss a coin! He shouldn't not be able to share a surname with his child just because he may not want to marry! It's not all just about tradition..it's about being fair. No 'one' parent trumps the other. Someone mentioned travelling with different names (not that I think it's a problem) but what if he wants to travel alone with his child? Does that not count? There are certain things a mum can have final say on..breastfeeding..etc..but anything else should be discussed and agreed fairly. There is no reason why he shouldn't share a name with his child just as there's no reason why you shouldn't.

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 23:52

Yes brand that is technically true and I could chose the whole name myself should I wish to. Yes we're unmarried but we're also in a serious relationship and planned this baby together, so ultimately I want to be fair as it's his baby too. I have no wish to be hurtful by not even considering his feelings and being smug that I can do what I want regardless of what he says. It's a joint venture

OP posts:

HeCantBeSerious · 04/08/2016 23:54

if he wants you all to have the same surname then he needs to put a ring on it

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 05/08/2016 00:06

bluebell of course his feelings count. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't have posted on here asking if I was being unreasonable? I am not holding him to ransom in order to get a ring on my finger, I have simply always felt I wouldn't want to ever have a different surname than my children. I didn't used to feel strongly about marriage, it's only in my latter years I've come to realise the importance of it for me, when I've been considering bringing children into the world. We will discuss it and we will come to an agreement, I just wanted advice and opinions from people in the know that's all.

As far as him travelling with a child with a different surname, I believe worst case you need a letter or something to prove the relationship. It's possible he would do that in the future but it's more likely that I'd be doing that more frequently, given holiday entitlement etc.

Ultimately I just want to be fair but without having to sacrifice the very important things to me that have reasonable justifications.

OP posts:

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/08/2016 00:08

Go with your gut. I know a few mum's who've confided their regret in losing their maiden name or not passed their name on

I didn't change my surname but my son has his father's name. I really regret it. My surname is much nicer.

Oswin · 05/08/2016 00:44

I really wish dd had my name now, so does she but there is no way on earth her dad would let her change it.

EveOnline2016 · 05/08/2016 00:53

Ds didn't have either mine or dh surname. We couldn't decide so we made up our own family name.

tararabumdeay · 05/08/2016 01:24

I have just paid £25 for a certified copy of my DS2s ''full' birth certificate because he's applying for an important job. He doesn't have a current passport but does have a driving licence. His original birth certificate, the 'short' version, is not good enough, neither is the copy.

Original 'short' doesn't mention birthplace and occupation of the father. The important job asks for a 'full original' with details of the father.

£25 copy is just that - a copy that shows all the details but not the 'original'. Waste of money and a family history looks like sort of service.

Be careful. No1son had both our surnames but had to change it when we got married. That was when it was easier - still had to pay.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 05/08/2016 08:44

For an unmarried couple bluebell, the mother's feelings do trump the father's. Because she can register the baby as whatever she wants, without his permission, and he cant do the same. That's just a fact.

happy2bhomely · 05/08/2016 09:15

We have 5dc. 3 of them have my name. 2 have his. We are married. Lots of people I meet seem to have a problem understanding this.

My marriage is important. A name is just a name. I kept my family name, my Dad's name, because I like it. I no longer share my family name with my mum because she remarried. I don't share my name with my sisters because they married and changed their names. I might not share my name with my children if they get married. Who knows what name will be given to my grandchildren?

I was very surprised by how many people thought it was ok to tell me I was wrong to not give all of my children their dad's name. I was even more surprised by the number of people who were shocked that I would keep my name after we married. I was told it was disrespectful!

Luckily for me, my DH agreed that the person who carried and birthed the baby got the final say.That went for first names too.

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