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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to plan to give my baby my surname and not my partners?

99 replies

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:38

Hi,

I'm due my first baby with my DP later this year and although I know it might not go down very well, I'm planning on giving the baby my surname. We're not married obviously and although that may change at one point (he's making no promises) it's not on the cards in the very near future. I just don't want to have a different surname than my child.

I feel IANBU as the tradition of giving a fathers surname is usually due to marriage but just checking I'm not just being stubborn or difficult on what is the expected/done thing. Unfortunately double barrelling would be a mouthful as it would end up very long.

Thanks!!

OP posts:

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 17:44

Oblada it's not her fathers or the baby's fathers. It's her name or the baby's fathers. Doesn't matter where her surname originated it's her name.

What a weird analogy.

HeCantBeSerious · 04/08/2016 17:47

Unless you fancy being stopped and questioned by each and every visa officer from here to Timbuctu about your relationship to the child, it makes sense for your child to have your name.

Not in my experience!

There is only way dad gets a 50% say in the surname, that happens when he marries mum.

CatsAndCocktails · 04/08/2016 17:49

the tradition of giving a fathers surname is usually due to marriage

The tradition is that a baby has the mother's surname. It is just that often in the past women have changed their surname upon marriage, therefore, her surname is the same as the father's.

HermioneWeasley · 04/08/2016 17:50

When he grows the baby and risks serious injury or death giving birth, he can give the baby whatever name he chooses.

I woukdnt even put him on the birth certificate.

oblada · 04/08/2016 17:51

It's not an analogy at all its about ensuring the context is right here. It is certainly relevant otherwise this discussion wouldnt even exist. A surname is also called a family name and that's the only terminology in some other language. It is relevant. It is a family name. Your own name is your Christian name / first name. Personally i dont mind, i have my own preferences but to each their own.

WellErrr · 04/08/2016 17:56

YANBU

Original poster

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:57

oblada I see your point and it did cross my mind that what of the baby (as an adult) feels he/she would've preferred that link to their father. DP has a very close relationship with his father and is very proud to be his son etc, so I did wonder if I could affect that. However, there is a fix to it of we get married. It's all hypothetical too as growing up with a single mother (divorced) I wouldn't have minded if I had her surname.

OP posts:

oblada · 04/08/2016 17:58

Catsandcocktails - interesting if it is correct. I suppose ultimately the whole surname concept is relatively recent and there is no uniform view across the world.

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 17:58

She has a first name, possibly a middle or more than 1 and a surname. They are all her names. She has had them for life.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 04/08/2016 18:01

When you're in hospital (if that's where you're giving birth), the baby's wrist and ankle ID bands will have your name. We weren't married when DD1 was born and her bands said "Baby BrusselSprout".

I intended to give her her dad's name anyway as we were engaged but it irritated the hell out of him (very unreasonably so in my opinion) that she wasn't known by his name for those few days. If I hadn't already decided on giving her his name, I'd have had a huge fight on my hands.

Careforadrink · 04/08/2016 18:34

Oblada

Do surnames only ever belong to men?

That's such an odd way of looking at it. It's the OP's surname as much as it is her fathers surname.

Careforadrink · 04/08/2016 18:36

Personally I think as women do all the hard work we should get the honour of the name if we choose.

Porcupinetree · 04/08/2016 18:44

My DH and our DD both have 'my' family name.

Boiing · 04/08/2016 18:49

Definitely your name. If he's bothered he can propose. (Massive hassle at airports if you have different surname to your child, might need written permission from other parent etc).

RaspberryOverload · 04/08/2016 18:56

effectively you have two choices with a child's surname: your own father's or the child's father's

My surname may be the same as my father's but this name is equally mine. I've had this name for nearly 48 years and will not be changing, so it's just as much mine as his.

OP, I believe that in any dispute about the surname between the mother and father of the child when registering the birth that the mother's wishes take precedence, especially if the parents are not married.

Catsrus · 04/08/2016 18:56

I'm married, didn't change name, when kids were born they had my name. It works for us, though I don't know anyone else who has done the same.

I did - there appear to be at least three of us on this thread that have done this. Married 23yrs, DC had my name. It totally made sense as I did all the school / medical stuff etc. (Funny how that turned out )

When he did the whole 'mid life crisis younger woman new family' thing (very publicly) when they were teenagers they were very happy they didn't have his surname. That's not why we made the decision to give them my last name, but the longer I stay on MN the more I think it's sensible!

DeadGood · 04/08/2016 19:08

"I'm planning on giving the baby my surname. We're not married obviously"

Why 'obviously'?

Choceeclair123 · 04/08/2016 19:11

I'd give baby your surname if I were you. Actually I did do with my first child. You're not married so he can't say it's tradition. I know women who have given child the fathers name when they're not married and have very much regretted it. One woman I know is still waiting for the wedding and her eldest is 8!

Terrifiedandregretful · 04/08/2016 19:14

Yanbu. I'd hate not to share a name with dd.

queenofthemountains · 04/08/2016 19:14

I've been shot down before on here saying this, but I truly believe that the baby came out of your body so should have your name.

OreosAreTasty · 04/08/2016 19:18

I'll shoot down anyone that says you should give baby your name because (X y and z) or you shouldn't or should double barrel.
You want to. That's reason enough for both myself, the registering office and one day should be enough for the world.
I get sick of a "women should do this in this case" nah they should do what is right for them.
Enjoy your LO op.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 04/08/2016 19:33

Personally I don't care but just to balance things out: effectively you have two choices with a child's surname: your own father's or the child's father's. At least in most cases that's the situation. So in my view why not the child's father's? It makes more sense given the cultural bias. It's gonna be a man's name may as well be his own dad.

I think you mean the child's dad's dad. If you're going to take the approach that OP's surname isn't her own because it (presumably) came from her father, you do the same for her DPs because his (presumably) came from his dad. With that in mind, the correct question would be OP why would you want to give your child your partner's father's name?

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 04/08/2016 19:44

I find you statements refreshing, normally when I see threads like this, their reasoning is almost a stick to beat the childs father with so to speak. The reasons you've stated are adult like. Is there not a way you could get his name in there someway? Maybe as a middle I know a few ladies who have done that. But at the end of the day your reasons are valid enough. Just sit down and talk and see if there is a way you can get a solution.
And all the best for you with your future DC

HeCantBeSerious · 04/08/2016 19:46

I've mentioned the middle name option a couple of times and the OP has ignored it.

Scoffly · 04/08/2016 20:01

YANBU

I'm married, kept my name, and we've given our dc my surname.

As someone else said, you have a choice of two or three surnames, you choose the surname between yourselves.

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