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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to plan to give my baby my surname and not my partners?

99 replies

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:38

Hi,

I'm due my first baby with my DP later this year and although I know it might not go down very well, I'm planning on giving the baby my surname. We're not married obviously and although that may change at one point (he's making no promises) it's not on the cards in the very near future. I just don't want to have a different surname than my child.

I feel IANBU as the tradition of giving a fathers surname is usually due to marriage but just checking I'm not just being stubborn or difficult on what is the expected/done thing. Unfortunately double barrelling would be a mouthful as it would end up very long.

Thanks!!

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/08/2016 17:15

In your shoes I would absolutely give the baby your name- your partner is clearly not interested in making any kind of commitment, and it'd be much more difficult to change the baby's from his to yours at a later date than vice versa.

If he wants the baby to have his surname then it'd make sense to get married before the birth so that you can all have the same name, if that's what you want.

Doesn't really matter if other people pull faces, it's your decision.

Original poster
NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:16

roll I know, I will make a point this week of chatting about it.

indie I agree it is a shame and I never thought anything of it until I got a few Hmm responses. I feel like some people take it as there must be something wrong if I'm not thinking we'll get married. I'm just practical and realistic and feel why should I be the one with a different name. I grew up with a single mum, so I guess that might influence me a little.

OP posts:
Missgraeme · 04/08/2016 17:16

I have my dh first name as my surname and our ds has that also!!

ReggaeShark · 04/08/2016 17:16

Most kids of unmarried parents I know have their mother's surname, especially when the mother does most of the childcare. Will make things much simpler when DC is at school too. He does sound a bit of a knob though.

ITCouldBeWorse · 04/08/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeCantBeSerious · 04/08/2016 17:17

I never felt a desperate need to share a surname with DC - I know they're mine. I grew them and birthed them and our bond goes far beyond names. DH doesn't have that.

It was important to me that she had my name somewhere, for her benefit rather than anything else. I'm not a fan of double barrelled names (DH's and mine sound ridiculous together) and never want to use DH's name myself, so middle name worked for me.

NancyJoan · 04/08/2016 17:18

I'm married, didn't change name, when kids were born they had my name. It works for us, though I don't know anyone else who has done the same.

PickledLilly · 04/08/2016 17:18

I see no reason not to give your child your name. I did. It caused lots of rows between myself and DP at the time but I don't regret it for a moment. You need to remember that as you aren't married you can register the child without him, the opposite is not true so it's technically your choice...

Original poster
NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:22

vestal no I don't like it either. The most I would ever do is double barrel but it really is a mouthful!!

Thank you ladies I feel so right about this now I might just bring it up when I get home. Smile

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/08/2016 17:23

Fwiw.

If you marry the biological father and wish to change the childs name its a simple form from the registry office you don't even need a deed poll.

If you wish to change to yours at a later date and other parent has PR it's a deed poll by consent or if without consent it's a deed poll with letter of explanantion attached that nobody actually has to pay attention to so they can choose to ignore the name change.

If you go down the court order route, lots of courts tend to take the view that wanting to change the name even with a totally absent parent with little to no interest in the child is attempting to irraticate the childs links to their biological other parent and view it as a hostile form of alienation so unless you have a very good reason why sharing the fathers name is not in the best interests of the child they don't like doing it

Patapouf · 04/08/2016 17:24

YANBU! At all. I cannot fathom why women are so happy to not share a name with their child.
I didn't take DHs name and he knows full well that future DCs will have my surname. He did think about changing his name to mine but changed his mind at the last minute.

43percentburnt · 04/08/2016 17:26

I agree - give baby your surname.

Far easier to change in the future if you decide to share a surname (not that you have to change your surname if you marry) as your DH is unlikely to object. Impossible for you to change DC surname to your surname if you split in the future - as unlikely daddy will agree.

Mitzimaybe · 04/08/2016 17:26

If you get married, will you change your name to his? (You don't have to, you know. But if you want to, then fine.) If you do want to take his name, then that's the answer. Marry you, and both you and the child will have his surname. If marriage isn't an option right now, then neither is the child having his name.

There are a lot of good legal reasons to get married, especially when you're going to be on maternity leave etc. I hope you've agreed already how it's all going to work out with the family finances.

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 04/08/2016 17:27

My DD has my DP surname, just because I have had no contact with the members of my family that I share my surname with ( they have never wanted a thing to do with me) so I wasn't eager to pass that name on to my DD if you see what I mean. However in different circumstances I would have definitely given DD the same name as me.

Original poster
NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:27

reggae yeah lol he can come across that way when he thinks he's right. I think he always got his own way in past relationships.

Most of the babies to unmarried couples that we know have the fathers surname, including a few in his family. I guess that's where the expectation lies. It won't be happening anyway Smile

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 04/08/2016 17:28

Oh if he comes out with 'I wanted us to have the same surname' - not a problem he can change his surname to your surname via deed poll.

If he mentions tradition - yep its traditional to get married first - he isn't therefore traditional.

(Remember depending on your financial situation it may not be in your interest to marry).

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 17:29

I think you need to speak to him. I totally understand your reasoning. My fiance is changing his name to my surname when we get married as DD1 has my surname (previous relationship) and DD2 (due in Dec) will have my surname also.

We discussed this at length with other options discussed also and this was what he decided would be the best option.

stitchglitched · 04/08/2016 17:34

DP and I aren't married and both DC have my surname. It wouldn't have occurred to me not to give them my name. When we eventually married he can change his to ours if he likes.

Mybrainisjelly · 04/08/2016 17:34

Yanbu. Unless you fancy being stopped and questioned by each and every visa officer from here to Timbuctu about your relationship to the child, it makes sense for your child to have your name. There is only way dad gets a 50% say in the surname, that happens when he marries mum. Stick to ur guns newuser2016!

Careforadrink · 04/08/2016 17:35

Yanbu

I'm married, kept my name and the kids have mine too.

It's far more practical in this day and age with a high divorce rate but where women are nearly always the primary carer.

Original poster
NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:38

mitzi yes, we've agreed finances etc and had I known we'd be lucky to conceive quickly, I would've waited to be married, I just felt worried it wouldn't happen asylum hear so much of that these days.

I'm not sure if I'd change my name after marriage to be honest but then that would be my decision then.

patapouf I don't know anyone personally who's given their child their surname if they aren't married, it seems to be the done thing here to have daddy's name. It won't be me!

OP posts:
oblada · 04/08/2016 17:38

Personally I don't care but just to balance things out: effectively you have two choices with a child's surname: your own father's or the child's father's. At least in most cases that's the situation. So in my view why not the child's father's? It makes more sense given the cultural bias. It's gonna be a man's name may as well be his own dad. I don't mind the cultural bias either as mothers give birth so the connection is already there whereas it has to be 'constructed' for the father and if the same surname helps a father bond (and my guess is it does) then surely that's for the best. Just my view.

AyeAmarok · 04/08/2016 17:39

Give the baby your name, definitely.

Reposting Socks post because it's of key importance:

It is incredibly easy to change a childs surname when you re register after marriage to the biological father even if done years and years later.

It's almost impossible to change it to the mothers after initially using the fathers if he has PR and is not agreeable without a court order (and lots fail to obtain a court order unless they are double barreling).

Please, everyone, understand this!

oblada · 04/08/2016 17:40

Also in my view it should be a joint decision as it is a joint conception... :)

Original poster
NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:41

pickled I feel I'll also have those rows, hence why I've mostly avoided the confrontation. You're all correct though, who says baby should have his surname? Certainly not tradition! Smile

OP posts:
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