WIBU to make him stay in wet pants?

[Poppyred85]

Partly posting here for traffic, potty training thread seems quiet...
Ds is 3.5y. We have been potty training since end October 2016. We did it by taking him to the loo often and gradually left it longer between trips. He can hold wee for hours and will tell us he needs a wee if he's doing something he's not interested in e.g when out food shopping. Until about 6w ago we would ask him if needed the loo and if it had been a few hours we would take him even if he said no. We then started doing a reward chart to encourage him to tell us. He gets a sticker every time he tells us/nursery/whoever that he needs the loo and when he's got 10 he gets a toy. This seemed to improve things a bit but not much. Most of the time I ask him, if he says no I then remind him about the sticker and he will often then come back about 5 mins later to say he needs a wee. Over the last week we seem to have gone backwards again. Yesterday he held on for about 4 or 5 hours before finally telling me he needed to go after repeated prompts from me. He then went on to do one at the table in the middle of tea. This morning despite regular asking he pooed in his pants. This afternoon he did a wee all over the kitchen floor again after repeatedly saying he didn't need one. I don't know what to do anymore. I have always been patient and said "try and tell mummy next time" but today I got cross and told him off and left him in wet pants for 5 minutes. He's starting pre-school in September, other children at nursery have called him poopy-pants(which he thinks is funny) and I don't know how to move forwards. He was 10 weeks prem but no ongoing issues and is very bright. WIBU to leave him in wet things for 5 or 10 minutes to show him it's better to go in the toilet?

onewhitepillow: these statements seem to directly contradict one another:

1st post:
He HATED having his hair washed.
2nd post:
He wasn't frightened of having his hair washed, and it didn't cause him any pain.

I think you're lying in your second post. As you said, he HATED having his hair washed so you used that as a punishment. I'm sure it worked.

There are lots of way of teaching children to do things that are effective. They're not always kind though.

Put it this way, if your family had social services involvement and it was discovered that you were purposefully keeping your child in soiled clothes for longer than necessary it would be considered a child protection issue. If you were a foster carer and you used this as a form of discipline for a child in your care you'd probably be de-registered.

It's not being judgemental about people's difficult situations or criticising parenting methods. It's not an acceptable form of behaviour management in today's society, regardless of how we ourselves were potty trained.

Yes, he hated it. But he was not frightened of it. Just like he hated wearing his seatbelt, having to eat some vegetables before he was allowed his pudding, and having to hold my hand when he crossed the road. He hated all those things and I cheerfully made him do them.

Get a grip.

Please be don't deliberately leave your child in wet and soiled clothes my daughter got very serious skin blisters and burns on her legs as a result of being left (accidently) in wet clothes at nursery.
No way would I do it on purpose

Just like he hated wearing his seatbelt, and having to hold my hand when he crossed the road

it's nothing like that because they are things that make children safer
urine soaked clothing does the opposite because it (as opposed to nappies that absorb it away from the skin including cloth nappies) can cause amonia burns , yes, burns! google it if you're brave! it's horrible it causes painful blisters!

Apologies I mixed up the hair washing as a punishment with the urine soaked clothes

Hair washing as a punishment is a bit messed up, and if the kid doesn't ordinarily like having their hair washed its just plain wrong to use it that way.

It's not a "natural consequence" that is NOT what natural consequence means

it's the sort of bonkers consequence that was used as dicipline in convent schools in my parents day!

My mum still can't do a very normal thing that most people enjoy doing because it was a punishment from the nuns.

This here is how you turn hair washing form something your kid just doesn't like into a full blown phobia!

He's fine with it now. Washes his own hair no problem.

He also hated losing screen time when he hit his sister. He really really really hated being taken home from a birthday party the time he threw a tantrum at not winning pass the parcel.

He STILL hates having to bring his washing down and put it in the washing basket.

But thanks for the parenting tips and keep them coming.

Washing a child's hair as a punishment?

Well that's clever, isn't it.

Can't believe parents are still taking a punitive approach to potty training tbh. Is this a new retro modern thing? I thought this went out in the eighties?

But anyway - fun as this is

to the OP: I wouldn't leave him in soiled or wet clothes: people are right, it could hurt his skin and make him feel humiliated.

You could make him wetting himself boring and irritating - like he has to stop playing and have a bath and sort out his own clothes and help you clean up - and him using the potter sooper dooper fun. Or just put him back in nappies for a couple of weeks and try again later?

Sympathies. I know just what you mean as ours was late and reluctant too.

I never used the word punishment. We just made it boring and inconvenient for him. Three times.

My there are some bored keyboard warriors on the warpath tonight, aren't there?

Um, it's already boring and inconvenient enough, without adding extra.

The extra is punishment, whether you call it that or not.

OP you said 5 mins then later said 5-10 mins. I'd be very concerned that it was a long time and seemed like 5 mins.
Timing 60 seconds I'd maybe say ok it's worth a try but anything longer is cruel.

Fair enough, that's what you'd call it.

Any other gems of wisdom to share, or do you want to get back to sticking the boot into the OP?

zzzzzz

I think it comes down to this: a negative consequence makes us less likely to do something again. Making a child physically uncomfortable in wet pants - are they a) going to avoid wetting themselves again or b) going to avoid things related to toilet use, including using the toilet and communicating about using the toilet.

I think b), because kids just aren't that specific with what they link their bad feelings to!

Maybe check out if he has any sensory issues related to being prem? Anything else that might be putting him off? Does he definitely always recognise in time that he needs to go? My DS drove me nuts declaring he didn't need to go before wetting/soiling moments later, but we struck gold after teaching him that when he starts dancing about ("the toilet dance"), that is his body telling him to go. He really hadn't realised.

You're vile OP. How would you feel if you made a mistake a work and were made to stand on your desk for 5/10 mins.

I'm not sticking the boot into the OP and I haven't done so, so I don't know where you got that from. I've asked her a direct question and it's neutrally couched.

I washed youngest dc every time he did this at home after being dry for months - nicely of course standing in bath with warm water, no angry tones, just told him we had to wash wee/poo off his skin or would get sore. He soon got bored of being washed after each accident and started taking himself to the toilet again

My DS has ASD (Aspergers) and we spent years trying to toilet train! I know your DS doesn't have other issues but we don't know what goes on in their heads, I never found out why DS was such a nightmare. I tried being nice, being cross, making him clean up, ignoring him (he never cared about being wet so I don't think it was a big deal for him) and everything else under the sun. I must admit I put him back in nappies several times, but made a real effort the April before he started school as the pre-school said I should at least be able to show a diary of my efforts. Finally got him dry just before he went but he still pooed his pants quite happily every afternoon for the first few terms, but he did eventually get there. Like your DS he didn't mind what his peers said, I think they just do it when they're ready. He was dodgy at night though until about 7. In your case, as your son is bright and perhaps more aware of what's going on, putting him back in nappies might be an idea? He may think it's great at first but if nobody else at pre-school is wearing them he might change his mind? Good luck!!

Bloody hell, you started this training thing too early. 10 months and still training.
Have a chat with him tomorrow. New day, big boy now, done so well etc etc

Children want to please their parents. No child at this age wants to make their parents unhappy and be angry with them. They also don't want to be wet and uncomfortable and smelly.

You may think they are capable but if they are repeatadly soiling themselves then you know what, they just aren't ready either emotionally, physically or both. For whatever reason they aren't getting the cues. Or they may even have a medical issue which is delaying things.

So as frustrating as it is when it happens for the fourth time in a day, you help them clean themselves up, change their clothes then try again. Eventually it'll stop - after all you never hear about the teenager who wets themselves at school.

As parents we should gently guide not punish a child for a mistake. Who amongst us wants to be shamed by and in front of the people who love us the most.

Geez, I'm by no means a perfect parent but I'm shocked by some attitudes on here about how to teach a child a lesson info being dry.

Too early?? You'll have to say that to dc1 who has decided to potty trained when he was 18minths old then.
Children are ready at different times and from the OP description, her DC was totally ready fur potty training.

Now my older DC is toilet trained I am inclined to say yes YABU but I remember how fucking tough it was and the extra pressure of doing it on a deadline (we had to be dry for his preschool which he started the day after his 3rd Birthday!!) was awful.

We had tears at one point mine but ultimately I can't get passed the idea of a child in pissy pants being a positive influence on toilet training!!!

Well I certainly wasn't expecting such a large number of responses or some of the vitriol directed at me. To those posters who offered understanding or words of wisdom- thank you. In particular the advice from Buffalo was really good and after chatting with DH has helped us re-jig the reward chart we were using and look at how we can get him more involved in taking responsibility for getting clean pants etc to make it easier for him to use the loo rather than have to get changed. I think part of the problem is that while he is very bright he's also quite lazy with things that don't interest him so it's been easier for him to do it in his pants, for me to help clear him/puddle up. As his Mum I think he is ready- he has control when he chooses to but I think gets so involved in what he's doing that it's easier just to go in his pants. For those posters who called me vile or similar I can only say that when people in real life come to you for help you have more understand and empathy. It's easy to resort to insults, harder to be constructive. I thought the whole point of MN was to offer support/advice/share parenting problems.

Maybe people were/are just shocked op that you leave/want your son is piss soaked clothes to teach him a lesson.

Why don't you purposely wet yourself then walk around for 5/10 mins to see how you feel. Is that constructed enough for you?

Constructive**