WIBU to make him stay in wet pants?

[Poppyred85]

Partly posting here for traffic, potty training thread seems quiet...
Ds is 3.5y. We have been potty training since end October 2016. We did it by taking him to the loo often and gradually left it longer between trips. He can hold wee for hours and will tell us he needs a wee if he's doing something he's not interested in e.g when out food shopping. Until about 6w ago we would ask him if needed the loo and if it had been a few hours we would take him even if he said no. We then started doing a reward chart to encourage him to tell us. He gets a sticker every time he tells us/nursery/whoever that he needs the loo and when he's got 10 he gets a toy. This seemed to improve things a bit but not much. Most of the time I ask him, if he says no I then remind him about the sticker and he will often then come back about 5 mins later to say he needs a wee. Over the last week we seem to have gone backwards again. Yesterday he held on for about 4 or 5 hours before finally telling me he needed to go after repeated prompts from me. He then went on to do one at the table in the middle of tea. This morning despite regular asking he pooed in his pants. This afternoon he did a wee all over the kitchen floor again after repeatedly saying he didn't need one. I don't know what to do anymore. I have always been patient and said "try and tell mummy next time" but today I got cross and told him off and left him in wet pants for 5 minutes. He's starting pre-school in September, other children at nursery have called him poopy-pants(which he thinks is funny) and I don't know how to move forwards. He was 10 weeks prem but no ongoing issues and is very bright. WIBU to leave him in wet things for 5 or 10 minutes to show him it's better to go in the toilet?

[SandyPantz]

Also, back in "my day" when babies were forced to potty train (when they were still pretty much babies) I think longer term bedwetting was much more common than it is now that potty training is generally later, more gentle and less damaging.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

I agree they will do it when ready. I didn't 'train' either of my older children and I won't with my baby, either. DC1 has autism, and took until 4.5 to get the hang of things, DC2 was 3 when he naturally stopped wanting to wear nappies and used the loo like the rest of the family.

Don't stress it.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

YANBU, but it didn't work with my 2 younger ones. They didn't care.

For those saying it's a punishment, it's not, it's so they feel wet, and maybe they won't like the feeling.

IME, if they're refusing to use the loo, they want to potty train when they want to, not when you want to. Maybe give him a break until he asks to do it?

[BeckyMcDonald]

But OP it doesn't matter if he physically knows when he needs a wee. He doesn't go to the toilet when he needs a wee which means he isn't ready to be potty trained. I'd stick him back in pull-ups and forget about it for a while.

[onewhitepillowleft]

We had a very resistant one. What we did, was every time he wet or soiled himself, give him a bath and wash his hair. He HATED having his hair washed. We weren't mean or gruff with him, just said, oh well, never mind. Let's get clean and you can try again later. We only had to do it three times and he decided it was worth using the potty to avoid the hair wash...

[LyndaNotLinda]

Fucking hell onewhitepillow

[AskBasil]

I don't understand, have you still got him in nappies even though he's potty trained?

[Playduh]

Watching with interest, I'm in the same soggy boat OP

[Inyournightdress]

That would undoubtedly be considered emotional abuse.

[Inyournightdress]

As someone who works with child abuse I am genuinely shocked at the number of mumsnet users who think this would be okay. It most certainly would not.

[SandyPantz]

don't go on NM then inyournightdress, this is standard advice/practice there, along with bemoaning the fact that medised is no longer available over the counter

[Dutchcourage]

. We are all people with feelings

But it's ok to leave your toddler in urine soaked clothes feeling wet dirty and humiliated...

[Inyournightdress]

Also to the user who said the point of punishment is embarrassment is certainly is not! Punishment designed to humiliate is cruel and unnecessary.

[Dutchcourage]

It is not standard advice /practice on here all. - it's bloody horrible.

Trying to embarrass a three year old child is beyond the pale. If that what it boils down to people need to get some parenting help ASAP

[SauvignonPlonker]

It's very interesting to compare the older generation's approach to ours nowadays.

My mum & MIL, plus assorted friends, all swear we were potty trained by 2.

However, on closer inspection, their idea of toilet trained was us running round the garden with no pants on & piddling everywhere. And it would take 6 months, mainly as we weren't really ready/trained. Plus few of them worked, so could hang around the house for weeks, catching accidents. I think they mainly wanted us out of terry nappies as they didn't want to keep washing them.

Just give yourself & your DS more time.

[DinosaursRoar]

But op - it sounds like he's like my ds was, his definition of "needs a wee" is "the wee is about to come", the point when you/I/a grown up would define as "needs a wee", when the bladder is full, a little uncomfortable, he doesn't as he can cope past that stage for a bit. He can not go then (when he's grabbing and bouncing about), so doesn't.

You need to train him into the habit of going at regular intervals - call them "in between wees" or something like that - he'll get it in time. You have to train yourself to not let him wait until he decides.

[SandyPantz]

Dutchcourage I know that, I said netmums, not mumsnet.

"leave them wet" is standard on there, it's quite common advice sadly, we just have a different demographic on here for the most part (thankfully)

[bumsexatthebingo]

I would worry that even 5-10 mins of wet pants would irritate the skin after a few accidents. Also he will probably just get used to feeling wet which isn't what you want. And it is a punishment which wouldn't sit well with me at all for toilet accidents. I would stick with getting him to clean himself if you think he can't be bothered going to the loo. Get him to get the clothes, get undressed, shower himself down, get a towel, dry himself, dress himself and put his other clothes in the wash. I would only help if there's any of that he actually can't do. When you ask him about the loo and he says no when he's squirming you can remind him that the loo takes a few minutes but cleaning up an accident takes a long time.

[Dutchcourage]

sandy I do apologise! That's shit!

[SandyPantz]

she's more than capable of doing it

Potty training requires physical readiness and emotional readiness, just because they're capable of doing it doesn't mean they're ready, PTing can be very stressful for kids, and if you're sure they're physically feeling when they need to go, then it's about not being emotionally ready, so making them suffer/feel uncomfortable is only going to make the process more stressful for them than it already is

[paddypants13]

I wouldn't leave him in wet clothes, no.

I find dd 3.5 has bad days. I clean her up each time of course but she only gets two sets of clothes. If the second set gets wet/ soiled she has to have her jim jams on, which means no playing in the garden or trips out. That seems to remedy it.

[PlotterOfPlots]

Bumsex has a good point that getting used to the wet feeling can be really counterproductive in him distinguishing wet from dry. But fine to expect him to sort himself out if just wet. Keep on keeping on - he can hold it for hours so it sounds like he will get it in time, and there are millions of perfectly continent teenagers and adults in the world who took more than 3 days to toilet train. Regression is really normal when the novelty wears off.

You could try a new reward system to engage his interest or new pants etc. Maybe just check there's nothing scary to him about the bathroom or anything. Solidarity, it's beyond tedious (we're still working with our 9 year old, so according to some PPs she's obvs not ready and I should just put her back in nappies )

[onewhitepillowleft]

LyndanotLinda

It worked. It was not harsh or cruel and it didn't harm him. He wasn't frightened of having his hair washed, and it didn't cause him any pain. He just didn't like it. It was a very gentle natural consequence. Much gentler than shouting or leaving him in wet clothes or letting him reach school age (he is neurotypical and has no physical problems). It isn't really any different to making a child change his own trousers - not cruel, not nasty, just a gentle consequence and something they'd rather not do.