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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not ok, or am I being oversensitive?

91 replies

ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 10:58

So, my daughters first birthday is coming up on Friday. We're a pretty chilled, low key family so are just going to have a day out with her somewhere nice (weather permitting!)

My brother in law and his wife have 2 little girls, both of which I have ensured both received gifts at birth, birthdays, Christmases etc and we always attended their birthday parties. We were childless at each of them and so faced hoards of screaming kids for several hours at a party that was over an hour away everytime. Not my cup of tea but we did it for their girls.

Said brother in law and wife did not get my DD anything at birth, apart from some second hand cast offs of theirs - some soiled and stained - which we were genuinely grateful for. Although compared to the £100 playpen they specifically requested on the birth of their first daughter and another expensive gift for their second daughter this narked me somewhat.

Anyway to the point - I know that they won't get my DD anything for her first birthday, I have asked them what they want for our niece whose birthday is a few days after DD's and they quickly sent me a list of items, with no mention of my DD's birthday. Would I be an unreasonable, nasty, spiteful, petty cow to withhold said niece's gift if they ignore my DD's first birthday?! They know it's her birthday as we just all had a holiday together a week ago where it was mentioned several times infront of them.

I know it's not the kids fault although she is massively a spoilt brat so would only feel a little guilty

AIBU?

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 03/08/2016 12:48

Just send a card. A really flimsy one. Cheeky gits.

sherbetpips · 03/08/2016 12:48

send a list back or stop buying presents. I personally would stop buying.

sherbetpips · 03/08/2016 12:49

also never ask what they want!

Dozer · 03/08/2016 12:51

I would stop the "wifework" for a start!

And would just stop buying expensive stuff and would just give a card and perhaps a small gift.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/08/2016 12:54

fuck em. I think no harm in saying innocently "Oh as you did not get anything for DD, I kind of assumed we were not doing B days anymore" and smile

It will cause a massive family war though, so maybe send them a tenner in a card for this year, then ramp down when you have a birthday AND an Xmas down?

do they think you are rich??

d270r0 · 03/08/2016 13:02

So when your DD was born they only gave you 'some old castoffs'- does this actually mean all their dds grown out of clothes? Because if so then actually thats quite a lot of stuff and they could have sold it instead of given it to you. Maybe they thought that they didn't need to buy you something as well since they had given you so much, which imo is perfectly reasonable. How much stuff did they actually give you? And was it only clothes or other things as well?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/08/2016 13:03

Buy your niece a recorder. Two birds, one stone

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2016 13:05

How could it possibly start a "massive family war"? Confused. They don't reciprocate! They'd need some brass neck to even raise the matter, never mind cause a ruckus about it.

Creampastry · 03/08/2016 13:05

I would get the present they asked for but keep the receipt, and buy a token gift too so when you meet, if they give your dd a present then great, if not, return the gift they wanted. Put a stop to it now otherwise they will never change and it won't be fair when your do are older and understand.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 13:06

Personally I'ld probably wrap up a bag of haribo and give that with a card.

My sister is very on-off with gifts for my kids, some times she'll have arms full and sometimes she'll forget totally, so I never know whether we're "exchanging" gifts or not and if I ask she says yes but she just forgot that time. So rather than get miffed I now give sweets to her kids, the kids like them even if it means a "fun" post sugar drive home for my sis, mwah ha ha! and we're never in the awkward position of her giving to mine and mine not giving back, yet if mine are the only ones giving its no big deal, its just a bag of sweets and I'll have on in the cupboard for my kids.

OptimisticSix · 03/08/2016 13:08

I'd message them back and say actually you've been thinking and rather than just swap gifts for your respective children's birthday's perhaps you should only do cards from now on... but if they prefer to do gifts here's a list of things DD needs/wants...

IdaDown · 03/08/2016 13:12

I was just about to say 'recorder' BitOut Grin

In fact, buy one each for the girls and a starter learning to play book.

Make sure you write in the card that learning music is an important educational tool - finger dexterity (when learning to write) and the links between maths and music - your highly educated doctor BiL will be grateful...

Oh and you'd love to pop round on 'x' to hear the girls first concert. Much practice required between now and then.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/08/2016 13:17

You were grateful for some used soiled baby clothes? Are you mad?!

We had this with bil and I think it's just they find it difficult to keep track of all the birthdays and are just generally a bit crap with this stuff.

We just do Christmas now and only for the kids. Makes it so much easier in a family where only one sibling had children for so long. I suggested it to dh, he then relayed the idea via his mother to his siblings (don't get me started on how fucked up that is), then reiterated it to siblings and after two years we're all doing the same thing. That sounds long but I have given it a total of about 15 mins thought over the last 4 years.

murmuration · 03/08/2016 13:17

The thing that struck me from your post is that you ensured the nieces had gifts - this is your husband's brother's kids, right? I've been reading about 'emotional labour' a bunch recently, and how it often falls to the female partner.

For example, we've gotten lots of unrequested gifts from DH's two sisters for our now-4yo. Every birthday, Christmas, and even Easter! (I was completely unaware there were Easter presents...) This is not a simple thing, because they have to ship them across the ocean. I have a teenage niece and nephew, and when they were young I ensured we brought presents for them if visiting DH's family (PIL and both sisters live very near each other), even when we were just dating. But as they got older and I started having serious health problems, I didn't bother (just the travel and the preparation for it itself was nearly too much for me). Second SIL had a baby this year, and had I not thought to log onto Amazon and have something sent, new child would have gotten nothing from us. I mentioned the idea to DH and he seemed honestly surprised at the whole idea of sending a present. I have trouble comprehending this, given some of DD's favourite plush animals are ones sent by this SIL, which she calls "Aunt X's Teddy" and such, so it's not like he could easily forget she sent them to us. But somehow the exchange of gifts is not on his radar. I also ensured we brought something on our recent visit, but unfortunately due to my health, it was mostly used toys from DD's baby days plus one new gift that had originally been bought for someone else and never delivered (we didn't tell them that, though!). So pretty poor, I know, but left up to DH, there would have been nothing. Because I'd been reading this emotional labour stuff, I realised that it had to be up to me to do this (and that I, not DH, would most likely get the blame for its lack). Had I not been, I may have been consumed by my own issues and left DH to deal with his family like I normally do.

Given your DH's attitude, I'm wondering if his brother's attitude is the same - not fussed, and not even really something he thinks about at all. I'd say it would be perfectly fine to simply hand over the issue to your DH and let him deal with it. His family, his decisions, and you step out of it. I suspect that would likely end the present exchange, unless BIL got up in arms, but then again it would your DH's task to deal with his brother.

I've taken up the task of the emotional labour for my new nephew because I care about my SIL and feel a necessity to reciprocate what she's done for us. If you're not getting any reciprocating, don't take over your DH's emotional labour for him.

Dancergirl · 03/08/2016 13:20

Why on earth buy for them when they don't buy for you?

Because gifts shouldn't have strings attached. Yes they have behaved badly but they will still behave badly and you'll still feel upset (and quite rightly) whether you buy a gift for their children or not.

If you don't buy your nieces presents because they don't, it becomes a bit petty IMO.

You don't have to buy one of their suggested presents, nor does it have to be expensive. Buy your nieces a small thoughtful gift and a card. They're still your nieces however badly their parents have behaved.

CoolioAndTheGang · 03/08/2016 13:25

I was in the same boat as you and I just stopped buying for some and limit the amount for the others. YADNBU

goddessoftheharvest · 03/08/2016 13:32

I would just stop buying for them. I had a few people like this, and I just let it fizzle out, and nothing was really said and it was OK

I tend to buy children books now. I have an only child, relatives and friends have on average three. I'm not loaded, and it ended up I was buying about a dozen children for Christmas and it was almost coming to the same amount I'd spend on DD. A lot of the children I was buying for, their parents didn't acknowledge the gift or didn't buy for DD, so I just stopped. Now I get a big multipack frpm the book people and split it

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 03/08/2016 13:47

Isn't it the relationship with the child that matters? ...

I agree though, perhaps SIL deals with her family and BIL deals with his. Bingo no present... same as if you put your DH in charge.

MargotLovedTom · 03/08/2016 13:57

DancerGirl It's not about being 'petty', it's about not being a mug. I'm sure the nieces will get plenty of presents from other people, and won't suffer for the lack of a present from OP's family; much like OP's dd won't mind not getting a present from her uncle's family as it's all she'll ever have known.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 03/08/2016 14:09

I'd still get something for DN. It's not her fault her parents are rude. I agree with saying "DD would really like a trike (or whatever) for her birthday."

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 03/08/2016 14:49

Yanbu at all although dont stoop
To there level and punish a child id probably address it though

Mummaaaaaah · 03/08/2016 15:11

urgh, lists for presents make me want to hurl. I have a friend and they all write a christmas list and pass it round the family who then cross off what they have bought and pass it on to the next. takes any fun out of gift giving IMO and is very grabby too! presents should be about taking some time to think of something the receiver would appreciate and trawling round the shops to find it buying it on Amazon and getting it sent gift wrapped and with card

So I would be annoyed just at the list, and the fact they asked for a present at all when their DC was born, let alone the rest! YANBU!

Dancergirl · 03/08/2016 16:08

I'm sure the nieces will get plenty of presents from other people

You're completely missing the point. It's not about the number of presents received, it's about being a nice auntie and having a good relationship with your nieces no matter how their parents have behaved.

Tit for tat when it comes to presents is very childish.

Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 16:21

Update:

Well, I feel like a terrible terrible person. Guess who dropped off a present for DD this afternoon while I was out... SIL Blush

Thanks for all your input! In case you are interested I decided I was going to give the present anyway just this year and then stop! I guess we are def doing presents now though Grin

I'm off to hang my judgemental head in shame...

OP posts:
Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 16:23

P.S. I'm glad DP doesn't have any other siblings, family politics is exhausting Confused

OP posts: