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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not ok, or am I being oversensitive?

91 replies

ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 10:58

So, my daughters first birthday is coming up on Friday. We're a pretty chilled, low key family so are just going to have a day out with her somewhere nice (weather permitting!)

My brother in law and his wife have 2 little girls, both of which I have ensured both received gifts at birth, birthdays, Christmases etc and we always attended their birthday parties. We were childless at each of them and so faced hoards of screaming kids for several hours at a party that was over an hour away everytime. Not my cup of tea but we did it for their girls.

Said brother in law and wife did not get my DD anything at birth, apart from some second hand cast offs of theirs - some soiled and stained - which we were genuinely grateful for. Although compared to the £100 playpen they specifically requested on the birth of their first daughter and another expensive gift for their second daughter this narked me somewhat.

Anyway to the point - I know that they won't get my DD anything for her first birthday, I have asked them what they want for our niece whose birthday is a few days after DD's and they quickly sent me a list of items, with no mention of my DD's birthday. Would I be an unreasonable, nasty, spiteful, petty cow to withhold said niece's gift if they ignore my DD's first birthday?! They know it's her birthday as we just all had a holiday together a week ago where it was mentioned several times infront of them.

I know it's not the kids fault although she is massively a spoilt brat so would only feel a little guilty

AIBU?

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 03/08/2016 11:37

...about....

gaston · 03/08/2016 11:37

Maybe they will buy your DD a gift so be prepared for that, but you should definitely stop buying gifts for them/their DC if they do not give your DD a gift YANBU

ElodieS · 03/08/2016 11:37

Ohh that's a bit mean of them. Do wait and see though, they may just not be as organised as you and come up with something nice when it's your DD's birthday.

If not, I'd just go with a card and a "I figured we weren't doing gifts for the kids any more, but hope DN has a lovely birthday!", or even bake a cake or something?

tiggerkid · 03/08/2016 11:39

Conveniently forgetting the hundreds of quid I'd already spent on his children before I had mine. - ahaha, exactly the same with my SIL. She is much older than me and DH and has a son, who is currently 30, married and has a kid. Up until recently, DH and I were still buying her son birthday and Xmas presents as he is DH's nephew and all that. We got him a very nice gift for his wedding too. DH and I don't even get a text from the said nephew on our birthdays and there is definitely nothing for our son from either SIL or her DS, who is 30, which is old enough and ugly enough to understand the meaning of common courtesy. So, when SIL's son had a baby, we bought nothing. I offered my congrats via Facebook and that's that.

LifeIsGoodish · 03/08/2016 11:43

Not excusing their behaviour at all, but could it be that they have asked you for something, but you have never asked them for anything? Could they possibly be so obtuse and socially unaware that they don't realise that they are behaving badly?

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2016 11:43

Just stop buying for them without any fanfare. Why did you ask for a gift list for your niece when you suspect your own child will be ignored again?

tiggerkid · 03/08/2016 11:50

Could they possibly be so obtuse and socially unaware that they don't realise that they are behaving badly? - bet you any money, if the roles were reversed, they would rather quickly become very socially aware.

kurlique · 03/08/2016 11:50

Ohh Sarky that would really "boil my piss" your brother is an arse!! we had our kids much earlier than a group of our friends and they are v generous with presents... So now they have kids I buy for them and will do so even when my kids are grown up... With friends with kids the same age we have reciprocal arrangements so we either do presents or don't. I have stopped with DNs once they have turned 21.

woodly2013 · 03/08/2016 11:52

I can fully appreciate how you feel and why. I have always worked on creating happy memories for my DS rather than materialistic things. When it comes to giving to others i give because i like to with no expectation of receiving anything in return. Having said that, my choice of giving would be something thoughtful not expensive. Makes me happy but probably pisses some people off to receive nothing off their want list but a token nicety from me. hey ho i gave with a good heart not a limitless credit card. Gifts are lovely especially for kids who generally ignore the cards unless they contain cash! Think we sometimes fall into the trap of spending too much time and time again then feel we cannot pull back or get out of it because expectation created. Thoughtful things so much better in my humble opinion.

kurlique · 03/08/2016 11:57

(My DNs have NEVER sent a thank you note or called or emailed or acknowledged our birthdays etc so DH said stop after their 21st and they are his family)

logosthecat · 03/08/2016 12:00

I think I might be tempted to ask the question directly, but in a nice way. 'Can I just get something clear - are we buying presents for each other's children or not? I don't mind what the decision is, it'd just be helpful to know'. And let them decide.

To be honest, I think some people are so busy these days that they just see the whole present-buying thing as a chore that they'd rather not do. I think that's a shame, but if that's their decision, you have one less thing on your to-do list as well!

Original poster
ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 12:02

Ha, yes you found me out, I certainly don't want to appear as grabby. I would be content if one of their girls made DD something however, not costing a penny.

But secretly pissed off at being a mug and spending a fortune on them

OP posts:
Gluetap · 03/08/2016 12:12

My SIL can be like this. She used to happily list presents for us to buy her DC without us even asking for a list! We now buy what we think the DC would like.

If I were you'd I'd reply to her email thanking her for the ideas for presents and suggest some ideas for presents for your own child. If no present is forthcoming for your child then I'd not be buying anymore presents for her children in future and explain to her the reasons why.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2016 12:15

I would be content if one of their girls made DD something however, not costing a penny.

Would you really though, considering you refer to their gift of second hand clothes as 'cast offs'?

Personally I would leave the gift buying to your DH. I wouldn't get involved if I were you.

dontmakemedothis · 03/08/2016 12:16

I think I might be tempted to ask the question directly, but in a nice way. 'Can I just get something clear - are we buying presents for each other's children or not? I don't mind what the decision is, it'd just be helpful to know'. And let them decide.

This is what I'd do. I'm not somebody to get into these mind games and guessing games. Are we getting each other's kids presents? If yes, send us your list and we'll send you ours.

lalalemon · 03/08/2016 12:23

Personally I hate the idea of giving people a wish list for my child! Strikes me as very grabby! Wouldn't even think of doing it. I think it teaches children to expect things rather than be grateful for any gift given.

ladymarymoo · 03/08/2016 12:24

I would buy a gift this year and then not bother, don't ask for a list next year. If asked just say that you thought that you weren't buying gifts anymore as they didn't buy your DD's.

dontmakemedothis · 03/08/2016 12:27

Personally I hate the idea of giving people a wish list for my child! Strikes me as very grabby! Wouldn't even think of doing it. I think it teaches children to expect things rather than be grateful for any gift given

I think it's fine if the child doesn't know there's a list! Some family members have no idea what to buy for them, so I give them pointers, that's all.

RhiWrites · 03/08/2016 12:28

Why don't you say to them. "We'd love the same playpen we got you for [neice's name] for DD. Or if that's not still available would you like a list?

Call them on it! Better that than years of inequity ahead.

seven201 · 03/08/2016 12:31

I think they're very rude. I think you should text saying what you're getting the niece from the list and send helpful suggestions of what they could get your dc at the same time.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2016 12:32

They'd probably just sling the original one back at op, Rhi...

PuraVida · 03/08/2016 12:33

Just buy their dd some moonsand. Job done.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2016 12:34

There's a difference between something crafted by a toddler, and second-hand (grubby and stained) clothes, Worra.

pitterpatterrain · 03/08/2016 12:35

I wouldn't bother buying a gift if it is going to irk. No need for angst over it, just get a card.

I agree with worra. My DH family is his responsibility, if he doesn't want to buy them a card / gift / send thank you cards - that is on him and if anyone asks I am pretty clear about it.

summerskittles91 · 03/08/2016 12:43

I would text them back a list of things you might like for DD.

Equally you could just buy something, and if they get something for DD then give it to them. Otherwise I wouldn't bother TBH, because it seems a little unfair.

I live with DH's brother and his wife. They have two DC. I have spoilt both of them from day one, although somewhat regretting it as I don't expect her to do the same with our kids. Only this morning i heard her say "its going to be so hectic when the other one arrives" as if her kids don't cause havoc already Angry

sorry for the sidetracked comment.