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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Can't his grandparents just have him?"

89 replies

Zuccarelli · 03/08/2016 08:42

Aibu to be annoyed at being asked this by my manager? It's in reference to my 18mo. Dp and I work around each others shifts. Him ft me pt so we don't have to pay childcare as we can't afford it.

I normally work more than my contracted hours anyway to help out and I always help if I can. On the occasions I can't I get asked the above question. I have explained to her numerous times that they all work full time. Even when I've said I'll ask dp to swap his shift I'm still met with that question.

Aibu to find it irritating?

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 03/08/2016 11:07

The other thing I'd do is "can you cover til 10" No but I can til 9 if that's any good to you" .

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 11:12

Are you replying to requests for extra shifts with "no, DH has to work so can't have DS." rather than "I can't get childcare for that shift." If its the former, then she's "helpfully" suggesting alternatives as you think you are just explaining your 'no', she's hearing 'this is my problem, I can't think of another solution' so she's providing another solution idea for you...

From now on, "no, I can't take that extra shift." Don't get into conversations about how your manage childcare between you and DH, that just opens up the conversation about other ways you could cover childcare.

DinosaursRoar · 03/08/2016 11:18

oh and agree with trafalgargal - it's always worth doing the "I'll see if I can sort somehting" followed by "no, I can't do that shift." When I was working PT after DC1, I had this a lot, the other PTer did have family childcare and it was assumed she'd work fulltime whenever it suited the company as it was 'just' family doing care. I had to book DC1 into extra nursery days, spent some time e-mailing or calling them so it wasn't assumed I could help out when someone was off. I last heard my old colleague has had huge problems now her DC is at school, so grandparents can't do care anymore (they live next town over) - and can't just put her DC in after school club/breakfast club on days they aren't prebooked into and has lost her flexibility, but her boss is finding htat shift hard to get used to...

Original poster

Zuccarelli · 03/08/2016 11:23

DinosaursRoar even when I said "no, sorry" she still said "oh I'm sure a grandparent can have ds".

Even if I know I can't do a shift I do tell her I'll see what I can do, then confirm I can't an hour later.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/08/2016 11:25

YNBU.
We don't all have GPs that can help out.
Be it through either. Work, distance. Illness
Or in some cases not being willing to help out.
I'd expect to have to repeat myself with a child, but not a full grown adult

ceebie · 03/08/2016 13:05

How about "Well you don't bring your grandchildren to work, I don't think DS's grandparents would be able to either?"

lalalalyra · 03/08/2016 14:15

I used to hate this. I worked M, Tu & W. That's what was advertised and it was perfect for us. The amount of times they were miffed because I couldn't help them on a Thursday or Friday was ridiculous! They didn't seem to grasp that grandparents (we only have one set) still work. I cited it as one of my reasons for leaving - half of my working week was spent being nagged at, pressured into trying to do a full-time week in part-time hours or being ignored for "not being a team player".

GabsAlot · 03/08/2016 14:45

notmymonkey u should have gone above her to complain

op of course shes bu-its not her business who looks after yourse children as long as youre working your normal hours

i wouldnt do any extra for them if thats her attitude

CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese · 04/08/2016 20:22

I once had a colleague try to pre-arrange for my sisters friend to have my ds before asking me to work her 9 hour shift. She rang me before my colleague did to warn me. Cheeky twat.

Sleepandchocolate · 04/08/2016 20:30

My OH and I work opposite shifts 12 hrs long to avoid paying childcare. His parents are in their late 70's our DD is also 18mo. I would never ask a 78yr old to look after an 18 mo for 12 hrs it's too much.

Original poster

Zuccarelli · 04/08/2016 20:41

CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese that is just something else!

OP posts:

RepentAtLeisure · 04/08/2016 20:55

Not really an option now for many. My ex's DM has had to put off retirement plans for another five years and when she does retire she's going travelling so I have zero GP options for childcare.

Discobabe · 04/08/2016 21:04

Yanbu. People seem to assume having family around means they are all free to look after your kids. God forbid they still work full time themselves.

cressetmama · 04/08/2016 21:18

Seriously cannot believe how appallingly employees are treated in this horrible world of zero hours contracts. Sadly, don't think it is going to improve any time soon.

Pluckybird7235 · 04/08/2016 21:55

That is disgraceful behaviour from her and illegal!! If she continues to be a nightmare find another job and out her, nobody deserves to be treated like that.

justilou · 04/08/2016 22:13

The grandparents could have them of course - they're at home knitting socks for the soldiers and listening to Winston Churchill on the wireless.

OMG! It's not the 1940's!!!
I have been met with similar comments by a 26 year old bloody lawyer. I explained that my father worked full time, my mother had finally achieved her degree and was now working in her career of choice and he really should read up on equality laws.

Heatherplant · 04/08/2016 22:19

People like that thrive on the response being polite. In your circumstances I'd say 'No, they work, I've had this conversation with you before.' And if she follows it up with 'I'm sure they can' then I'd just tell her 'I'm sure they can't, and I know them a touch better than you do'. Bloody hate this attitude, cheeky team member I work with came out with similar bullshit when I said I wasn't attending an xmas function. My response of 'my parents are dead DH parents are overseas, not that it's any of your business' did the trick.

DailyFaily · 04/08/2016 22:21

This is depressing to read. I mean aside from the arguments about whether GPs should be expected to provide free childcare (which, of course, they shouldn't), it shouldn't seem unreasonable to your boss that you might actually appreciate the opportunity to spend time with your son!

pollyblack · 04/08/2016 22:32

I get this a lot. The answer is no, they are either dead or disinterested!

NotCitrus · 04/08/2016 22:41

I admit I keep forgetting lots of grandparents still work, as mine were all 70ish when I was born and my parents likewise, with DP's a couple years older.

Which results in the same problem as my ILs are too elderly and immobile/forgetful to look after children, and my parents will do about 1 day a month, or more generally a couple hours one month and an overnight every 3-5 months, but that requires a lot of planning on their parts and a couple days recuperation time!

Fortunately employers have been reasonable when asking about me working my days off, as I will do one day every 3 months or so with a few weeks warning, but beyond that they would need to pay £120 in nursery fees. The one unreasonable manager was unreasonable to everyone so in some ways it was better only being there half the time!

AgentPineapple · 04/08/2016 22:59

I had issues like this with my last employer, I just remained very unapologetic and a bit uncooperative to be honest until they eventually stopped asking. I would do extra when I could but never let myself feel pressured or guilty about doing more. Family time is very important, you work to live, not live to work. Tell them you are maintaining your work life balance

Swirlingasong · 04/08/2016 23:07

It's not just employers. I've had this from doctors, health visitors, pretty much anyone I've ever had to explain that I can't do something because of childcare. I hate the assumption that everyone must have local family who help out and I don't appreciate the questioning that follows a 'no' - seriously, I'm not going to have just forgotten about the loving relative round the corner who adores the kids. I'm a sahm and have had to bite my tongue so hard when other parents have criticised my 'dependence' on dh when they have their mum and dad doing childcare so they can work.

BertieBotts · 04/08/2016 23:10

My mum hardly ever babysits. DH is quite resentful of it because in his family babysitting is a thing grandparents do.

I think it's really unfair he sees it that way. I don't think it's something which should be expected.

smellyboot · 04/08/2016 23:31

Lots have no GP around inc mine. The only response require is No.
Stay strong and so what works for you. Both my DC went to nursery so I could work but now I work reduced hours and flexible hours to spend more time with them. I refuse to do extra hours also.
Just state that you have no family support available for childcare and end the discussion

Craigie · 05/08/2016 17:34

Your manager has got no right to ask you that.

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