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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Can't his grandparents just have him?"

89 replies

Zuccarelli · 03/08/2016 08:42

Aibu to be annoyed at being asked this by my manager? It's in reference to my 18mo. Dp and I work around each others shifts. Him ft me pt so we don't have to pay childcare as we can't afford it.

I normally work more than my contracted hours anyway to help out and I always help if I can. On the occasions I can't I get asked the above question. I have explained to her numerous times that they all work full time. Even when I've said I'll ask dp to swap his shift I'm still met with that question.

Aibu to find it irritating?

OP posts:
OhHolyFuck · 03/08/2016 09:41

DSs grandparents are dead or were no contact with, love to see my boss try that!

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 03/08/2016 09:41

ToDuk yes I do get paid for it as the extra hours I do are extra days, not just an extra few minutes iyswim.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 03/08/2016 09:55

If she continues I would give her the head tilt and the concerned look - "I have told you this 752 times before - are you having memory problems?"

ToDuk · 03/08/2016 09:56

Then it's up to you when you do them. Just explain you do your contracted hours plus extra when you're able. Which isn't always.

Redlocks28 · 03/08/2016 10:01

I'm a single mum and a student so my DDs grandparents HAVE to help me out just so I can go to work most of the time.

Hmm-that isn't true. They choose to help you.

They wouldn't HAVE to help you if eg they lived 500 miles away, worked full time, were seriously ill, very old or not alive any more.

Lots of people have no help from grandparents at all.

Einna88 · 03/08/2016 10:05

YANBU. I lost my mum at 17 and my dad at 24, and have no other family beyond a half-sister 40 miles away who I speak to a couple of times a year. The number of times people (including employers) have assumed I can or should just leave them with my parents is ridiculous and very hurtful.

Even before they died, my mum had some very severe health issues and so couldn't take care of children alone anyway unless those children were old enough to phone an ambulance 'cause there was a very real chance that her heart could fail on her at any moment. Forgive me but even if she was still alive today under those circumstances, I wouldn't want to leave my DS (now 8) with her because if she did have a heart attack whilst she was looking after him, even in the best case scenario, the boy's gonna be scarred for life. I know it messed me up when I witnessed her medical emergencies as a child.

And then of course there's just the general disrespect and assumption that your work comes before your kids. I hate bosses who do that especially when they have families themselves. They don't (or shouldn't) put work over their families, why do they think it's cool to ask you to do the same?

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2016 10:13

"No" is a complete sentence, especially when it's a repeat of a previous conversation.
"Can't he go to GPs" "no"
Or even better "I'm afraid that I've asked her so many times to cover extra shifts that she's cutting back and won't be having him as often now"

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2016 10:14

Einna88 that must have been very hard for you. Sorry to hear it

Einna88 · 03/08/2016 10:19

BillyNotQuiteNoMates awwwww, hugs! You're a sweetie. And yeah, it's not easy, especially with two kids and an asshole sort-of-ex, but it's life, yk? It just doesn't get easier when people keep assuming 'cause I'm 27 I obviously have this whole huge family of super supportive people I can leave DC's with. It's constant - I have to take them to the doctors with me, "can your parents have them for a couple of hours?" I have to arrange meetings around the school run "can't you ask your parents to pick them up?" I have to be home in time for DD's bedtime "oh, can't you ask your parents to babysit?"

headdesk no. No I can't.

divafever99 · 03/08/2016 10:21

Yanbu, I hate this. One of my managers assumed dd's grandparents would sort out childcare when she tried to change my working hours. They were all in their 50's and worked full time.

MrsWorryWart · 03/08/2016 10:23

YANBU!!

How rude forget to keep pushing the issue. I also have NO help at all and don't need to be continually reminded by someone at work!!

blaeberry · 03/08/2016 10:25

All she should ask is 'are you available?' And all you should need to answer is 'no'. If you aren't contracted to work those hours it shouldn't matter if you had no children and were intending watch catch ups of Jeremy Kyle. It is your time.

JacquettaWoodville · 03/08/2016 10:29

"As I mentioned last week, grandparents are not available."

"His grandparents won't be retiring for some years, so no."

Etc.

StrawberryandCreamPips · 03/08/2016 10:32

YANBU

What blaeberry said and I suggest "Can't you just provide a workplace creche?" each time she asks to underline just how unreasonable she is being.

MissMargie · 03/08/2016 10:34

I wouldn't answer, just leave it hanging. Which is annoying as the asker wants a response.

Perhaps she has a bee in her bonnet about all the GPs she knows who' swan around all day doing nothing', unlike her who has to work or some similar bent belief.

MilesHuntsWig · 03/08/2016 10:34

YANBU. Just be firm, no apologies, and say what Pearlman said. Simple, factual and not open to challenge.

You could also add, that if they're desperate you could put him into childcare if the business will cover the costs and if you can get a space (I charged childcare to my business once when they needed me to attend something on a non-working day as I don't have family near me). Might stop her asking again...

Good luck. She sounds like a right idiot.

chipmonkey · 03/08/2016 10:46

I used to get this when the older boys were small. A couple of times, I had to take time off to look after sick children because nursery rightly wouldn't take them. My Mum lived three hours away and though she was willing, that was no good to me when it was 9am and work started at 9.30.
Dh's Mum worked. It was slightly better when I reduced my hours.

notmymonkeys that is dreadful! Are you still in that job?

Farmmummy · 03/08/2016 10:50

I had a friend in this position with possibly the best MIL ever who said next time they say that just tell them no problem if they know a good medium. (Don't think friend did in case she jinxed either set of parents but thought it was a great response as boss knew both sets were alive and well)

M0nstersinthecl0set · 03/08/2016 10:51

I was a single parent. I had to pay for childcare. My boss (when she remembered my children only went to paid childcare after 3 years of repeating) was then surprised to find my childminder needed reasonable notice. A lot of managers can't plan ahead or they wouldn't be asking like that!

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 03/08/2016 10:59

"Can't you just get a workplace crèche" is a great response!!!

When I got promoted she seemed suprised that I wanted to know my new hours more than a week in advance!

She thinks I can pull childcare out of my arse I think!

OP posts:
Fortitudine · 03/08/2016 11:00

YANBU at all. I think it was bloody cheeky to ask that.

When my daughter was small boss from hell asked why grandparents couldn't look after her when he wanted me to work more than my contracted hours. I gave him my frostiest glare and told him that three of them were dead and my father, who was in his 80s, was too frail to cope single handedly with a 3 year old.

Some people are just shits when it comes to flexibility that would pay dividends in employee productivity and goodwill.

trafalgargal · 03/08/2016 11:01

Employers are just plain weird about this stuff.

just after I split from my husband I took a job working school hours for a large pub chain, I had my son and was also taking care of my Mum who was frail after a brain op the previous year.

There were times I was asked if I could stay on later or cover an evening shift and often I could but I made sure I never said yes all the time but refused every so often . I'd observed that those who said yes every time got taken for granted and managers would get annoyed with them when they did say no. I'd often say something like "I'll have to check and see if I can juggle and get back to you in an hour" I always made it clear that I'd help if I could but had other responsibilities.....that it was me doing them a favour.

Other people they took for granted and got annoyed with. One manager tried that on me just once.....asked and I replied No I had a parents evening so couldn't work on and they got stroppy with me. I just shrugged but whenever that manager asked me from then on I'd say no. One manager clocked it and asked me why I always said no to that manager .....I told them. He apologised and said ...we know you are doing us a favour and will help if you can.... not the other way around. I'll have a word. Often it's in the perception, there's a fine line between wanting to be helpful and allowing an employer to treat you like a doormat. If I really didn't want to cover a shift I'd say "let me make some calls and see if I can rearrange things" then say half an hour later "sorry I can't help". Had I said no straight off I was thought of as unhelpful....but because I'd given the impression I'd tried to make it work (hadn't made any calls because I knew it wasn't possible) I was thanked for trying even though the eventual answer was no and no one was annoyed and in fact appreciated me for "trying"

There's a bit of psychology in the game of voluntary overtime.

heartmummy72 · 03/08/2016 11:01

I agree

Fortitudine · 03/08/2016 11:02

Sorry that should have read two of them were dead, I just accidentally killed off an in-law! The other lived 150 miles away.

Fortitudine · 03/08/2016 11:06

Also, I'm afraid my experiences with agreeing to cover at short noticed have shown me that even if you bend over backwards to be flexible, employers rarely if ever do the same for you. I spent one summer being really flexible, always available, because we were short staffed and undergoing review. When I needed flexibility for one sodding day, it was refused. Never again!