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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go on holiday with my children

24 replies

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 08:35

Or at least have a holiday before my holiday.

My DS are 10 & 7. They are both stroppy & argumentative. They can be lovely but also hideous.

They have been doing lots of sports clubs etc in the holidays so far and we've been to visit some friends.

What they really needed was a couple of weeks to be bored shitless at home.

I'm self employed so have been working flat out to cover client work so we can go away.

They are currently refusing to go to the kids club on holiday (they also refused last year) but I feel like I just need an afternoon to myself or I'll scream.

They say they want to spend time as a family which I whole heartedly agree with if they weren't so horrible to me and each other.

Please tell me it will be alright when we get there.

OP posts:

M0nstersinthecl0set · 03/08/2016 08:39

It will be fine. There will be holiday strops - but I do find them easier with the sea to put my feet in/ ice creams to send them to buy/ a glass of wine to hand (all so much more acceptable on holiday). My DC are 10&8. Also very reluctant to go to play schemes. Somethung tells me play schemes are getting it wrong for post age 4/5.;

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 03/08/2016 08:42

Have you not had time by yourself whilst they've been sent to the sports clubs?

Holidays are for family time not more childcare, to express a desire to spend time with you at the age suggests the issues of them playing up is related.

Corialanusburt · 03/08/2016 08:44

What don't they like about kids clubs? They do look a bit like hot prisons to me.
I guess they know you want to leave them there to get a break from them so they're digging their heels in.

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 09:20

I don't really get a break when they're at sports club as I'm working.

They are digging their heels in.

I don't want them to go every day. I just know if they went for an afternoon and I could sit and read a book uninterrupted for a couple of hours, if be a far nicer mother for the rest of the holiday.

But it's the stroppiness I can't abide. They rarely do anything I ask without argument or complaint, they are rude and obnoxious a lot of the time.

OK that's not fair - I seem to be surrounded by friends with thoughtful, helpful children having a wonderful time. I know that's not true either but it feels true.

I know it's my responsibility to make them thoughtful and helpful, and I want to enjoy my time with them. I just don't know how.

I know they are after attention but I feel like I have nothing left.

I need a holiday don't I.

OP posts:

Thebookswereherfriends · 03/08/2016 09:26

If you're going somewhere with a pool, surely you can sit by the pool with your book, make sure there are snacks and drinks handy and let them play in the pool. You can read whilst looking up every now and again to make sure they are playing nicely.
At 8 and 10 they should be able to entertain themselves for a bit.

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 09:27

I'm sure they will. It will be f

OP posts:

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 09:30

Sorry - posted too soon.

I'm sure it will be fine. We all need a break and we all need to have a nice time together.

DS1 can be very difficult when he chooses to be and I'm getting anxious in advance about it.

I'm probably expecting too much, wanting them to be excited and grateful.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 03/08/2016 09:30

YANBU.

How was the kids club presented to them? Do they know it's because you want time to yourself? Might have been better to wait until they got there, made friends and saw what was on offer before finding a mutually agreeable day to pack them off for an afternoon's activities.

Kids are horrible tho. Six weeks is a long time. But you'll soon be sat in the sun with a glass in your hand relaxing while they play in the pool.

Just keep it together until then

megletthesecond · 03/08/2016 09:32

Yanbu. I'm dashing between holiday club and work this summer. The dc's (9 & 7) stopped fighting at 10:30pm last night and resumed at 8am. I've got one hour to myself in the next couple of weeks. I've ranted, a lot.

MrsWorryWart · 03/08/2016 09:34

YANBU

I dread family holidays. But I have two ASD children albeit high functioning, which doesn't actually make a difference and get that behaviour, as well as what you've described.

ginorwine · 03/08/2016 09:40

Mine never went to a club as they hated the idea
I always think that when dc are being annoying that - difficult as it is - is the very time to spend time with them so that a positive loop is established .
Then section the day into what they / you want to do - part of that being an agreed quiet time for you with book and wine .
Eg my dd is more moody etc than my ds - I have in the past tried to avoid her at times for a quiet life!
I have found that if I invest some time in her things improve mostly as there is a connection .
Also I crave quiet time too - I sometimes get up extra extra early and go in the garden if dry or read - sets you up for the day .

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2016 09:42

We gave up on family holidays as such last year, and we're sticking with it this year as well. Trying to keep 5 DCs happy, with a wide variety of ages, and widely varying interests turned into a nightmare. We've gone with individual holidays, with one or two children, depending on destination. It worked so well last year that we did it again, and it's gone down really well.
If your DCs are squabbling, could you do similar with kids club. It's DC1s turn to go to kids club/ friends house or whatever, while you spend a day with DC2 and vice versa? Mine would be glad of the opportunity to spend one on one time with me, and happily take the trade off. It might be nice for you, as well. Might not be "downtime" as such, but it's lovely to do fun stuff one to one, rather than feeling that the whole time you are refereeing a boxing match.

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 09:57

I would love that but they are very much 'can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em' and won't be separated from each other.

OP posts:

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2016 10:08

In which case, it's "you either get along or spend the day in your own room/ separate rooms until you can"
Good luck OP I hope you all have a great time

RestlessTraveller · 03/08/2016 10:59

Tell them kids club or no holiday at all.

minipie · 03/08/2016 11:13

How about you tell them they don't have to go to kids club but they do have to leave you alone for an hour's peace and quiet every morning and afternoon? (they can read, draw, play in the pool... they are just not allowed to bother you unless it's life or death) And if they can't manage to do that then they go to kids club...
Would that work? My DC are still little so I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation.

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 12:05

restless I think they'd pick no holiday

It's all part of a much wider issue.

I just want them to obey my every command do as they ask.

Everything comes with a 10 minute argument as to why they shouldn't/why they don't want to/ why it's not fair.

It's exhausting.

Yesterday I picked them up, took them to supermarket & let them choose dinner. I bought DS2 a holiday t shirt but DS1 couldn't find one he liked in his size.

Got in to massive strop from DS1 about how I clearly favour DS2 because he got a t shirt and he didn't. Both of them refused to take stuff upstairs etc because 'the other one wasn't'

My mum came round to see them before they went on holiday and give them holiday money. They were noisy, disruptive and rude.

It's exhausting.

I know it's quite normal and also my responsibility to sort it out but I'm not even sure where to start.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 03/08/2016 12:15

consequences.

work out what the consequences will be if they do not do something. argue the toss about getting ready,...no time for the park sort of consequences. you will have to fit it to your circumstances and what their currency is. (we have moved from chocolate, through computer time to cash)

praise them for the things they do do. ds will always say thankyou.. even extremely grumpily as I praised him once for saying it. I keep telling him he is really good at saying thankyou.

you need to practise the "deathstare" feigning deafness when they are rude and withdrawing services if they are unco-operative.

Stevefromstevenage · 03/08/2016 12:22

You are in a pretty shitty dynamic with them at the moment. I think you can change that. Get them to agree to some things and make sure you are seen to compromise on some things yourself create made up outlandish ones for you to compromise on . I am not sure you absolutely need the kids club, just make sure they make friends with other kids and spend the day by the pool with a good book sangria that way the friends can entertain them and you get your breather.

DoreenLethal · 03/08/2016 12:31

20 of us are currently on holiday and 8 of us are kids. There have been no arguments, rows, bullying, antagonism - 6 are cousins and two of my niece's friends are here with their parents.

Not one argument. It is possible!

Original poster

fruitstick · 03/08/2016 14:35

doreen I'm not sure if that's making me feel better or worse

OP posts:

AbelMancwitch · 03/08/2016 14:43

My kids are similar ages and EXACTLY the same. They are really hard work- lovely seperately (well, on the whole, my 10 year old is an uncooperative pedantic little so and so at the moment) but together they are uncontrollable. And for two kids who "hate" each other so passionately they refuse to go into different parts of the house alone!

Not sure if that's helpful, we've had some holidays ruined by their squabbling. Always nice to referee in a different environment though

LilacInn · 03/08/2016 14:47

Wow, they really rule the roost.

Why are things even presented as an option? Is it not possible to say "On Tuesdays and Thursdays you will be going to kids club/camp" etc. and have that be final? Will they actually physically refuse to obey you or to get in the car?

I can't even imagine that. Yet you reward by allowing them to choose dinner, them to choose their activities, them to dictate what they will and will not do. Maybe this holiday period would be better spent sorting out the family dynamic and parental authority than continuing to indulge their whims.

LittleMoonbuggy · 03/08/2016 15:15

Sympathies, mine are far younger but suspect we will have similar issues in a few years time!

Remember you probably don't see the sibling squabbles in other families, but they'll still happen regardless.

Maybe try a bit of reverse psychology re the kids club. So tell them that they won't be allowed to go unless they can prove that they deserve it, perhaps casually mentioning a fun activity of 2 that's being advertised at the kids club that you know they would like to join in with, and make a show of being uncertain whether or not to let them go if they then ask to. You'll agree in the end of course though

If that fails, maybe seek out other families with similar aged kids around the pool etc, in the hope that they will amuse each other. Also perhaps buy and hide away a couple of appealing new toys you can pull out for the novelty factor.

Although my own kids are still little, I work with children the same age as yours so know what they're like.

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