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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If he doesn't want a baby, you shouldn't seek CSA

879 replies

NeedACleverNN · 02/08/2016 19:33

Why the hell is this line still trotted out?

I've even seen it on here. Woman falls pregnant, boyfriend doesn't want it and wants an abortion. She doesn't. People advise her to keep the baby and let him go. Don't bother seeking child maintenance because he didn't want the baby in the first place.

No!! If he didn't want a baby he should take his own precautions to preventing pregnancy. You don't like condoms? You don't have sex!

OP posts:

HeyRobot · 03/08/2016 07:33

Thank you for that info, Kittens. I'll look into donations and bear hosting in mind for the future - we're quite baby focused at the moment and not sure that would be a nice environment for such a difficult journey.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 07:39

Tbh I think it depends

If you were told that there was no way children would ever be wanted and as a woman you interfered with that eg pretending you were on the pill or tampering with condom

Then actually I think your on your own

However if the man knew the score and didn't care like many men eg Knew you weren't on the pill or wouldn't wear a condom then they must pay

Gwenhwyfar · 03/08/2016 07:45

"If a woman gets pregnant unexpectedly and chooses to keep it despite the man saying he does not want it and would prefer to abort, he should be able to walk away. "

No, he should not. He made the child so he has to pay for its upbringing.

"The woman could easily abort a child that a man wants"

That's because the woman is carrying the child in her own body.

"If a woman had a baby and the father had sole custody, should the woman pay child support despite not wanting the baby and having no part of its upbringing?"

Yes, of course. Just like an absent father.

Pearlman · 03/08/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 03/08/2016 07:58

It's something I can see both sides of and a topic that will always have a split opinion.
I have two examples -
A lad had a ONS used nothing and she ended up pregnant. He claims she trapped him, has nothing to do with the child. She obviously didn't trap him he didn't protect himself and a baby happened. He still hasn't learnt his lesson 3 children later. 4 in total none who don't have a father because he believes the women conspired against him even though he's at fault without protection.

But this scenario makes me see the other side.
A lad was in a relationship for s few years with a woman, she was on BC he used protection. The relationship started going sour, she decided to go off BC in the hopes of a baby making the relationship better. Her words was " I just waited for when he had a few drinks because he wouldn't use protection because I was always on the pill. " This lad is now a dad, relationship ended when he found out he was trapped and now can't see his child and is having to fight through courts to see a child he didn't want but loves to bits.
So the argument if you're grown up enough for sex , you're grown up enough for a child isn't always a fair one.
In example one that statement totally applies , but example two. Not so much. He believed she was on BC he used protection majority of the times. You don't believe your partner will mess with their BC, what was he to do? Watch her take it every single day? This wasn't a new relationship, they'd together a few years so he trusted her.

EeksyPeeksy · 03/08/2016 07:59

I haven't read the full thread but notice alot of people talking about PR.

NRP can still be liable for child maintenance without PR. The RP can put a claim in and then the onus is on the NRP to prove the child isn't their child (if that is why they are refusing to pay).

And IMHO so it should be this way. Otherwise people would be free to make as many babies as they like, not turn up for their name to be put on the birth certificate and never be held responsible for their contribution in that child being alive.

LittleMoonbuggy · 03/08/2016 07:59

Sorry but I still think there should be far fewer women falling pregnant "unexpectedly" in this day and age of abundant (and mostly free) contraception options. It's really sad that so many children are born in the first place that aren't fully wanted and planned for.

I have always seen it as a huge responsibility not to bring a child into the world in less than ideal circumstances. Of course things can and do go wrong later down the line- death of a parent, relationship and marriage breakdown, there are no guarantees in life. That usually can't be predicted and is no ones fault. But why have a poor child that isn't fully planned and wanted for in the first place when it's so unnecessary in the modern world. It seems selfish to me, not putting a potential Childs needs first.

HerRoyalFattyness · 03/08/2016 08:05

Just because a baby isn't planned doesn't mean it's not wanted once they discover they are pregnant ffs.
My 1 year old is the result of a pill failure. As soon as I found dead out I was pregnant I knew I couldn't go through with an abortion and we (me and babies dad) became very excited very quickly (once we got over the shock). My baby is and was very wanted and loved.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 08:13

My cousins ex husband never wanted children he made it very clear to her and anyone who would listen

He didn't want to marry either

She felt very strongly that if she just simply got pregnant he would love the baby and marriage would follow

The fall out was aful I think he filed for divorce the week after she told him

We wines about him not seeing the baby or paying for it however he didn't want a child and I do belive my cousin led him to belive she had a coil

It's pretty much fraud
if he hadn't made it clear and knew she didn't have the coil but didn't care then fair play

But the bad guy here is my cousin I think he was actually mainly upset at the deception

LittleMoonbuggy · 03/08/2016 08:13

Fair enough HRF, and glad it all worked out well in your case but personally I wouldn't want to take a gamble on it. I'm happy to be reckless and laid back about other aspects of life but a child's life isn't one of them. A potential child's needs come before my own pleasure.

Am well aware I am in the minority, but I'll be encouraging my own DCs to take a similar stance when they grow older.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 08:16

My son was not planned my ex said he wanted me to get rid

I didnt he's a shit dad

Who would of thought most people don't put effort or time into somthing they didn't want and hadn't planned for

Pearlman · 03/08/2016 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 08:23

Sorry ex partner not husband

HerRoyalFattyness · 03/08/2016 08:23

I knew an abortion would end up with me being mentally unwell. I wasn't gambling woth the needs of an unborn child. and I certainly wasn't putting my pleasure before them. I was making a decision based on my health and feelings . As every woman does and should be able to do.
That pregnancy actually ended up with me on crutches and still needing physio now. He was conceived, albeit unintentionally, but we loved and wanted him. We knew it was pretty much guaranteed my spd would return, we still went ahead. Because he was wanted and why would I abort a wanted pregnancy? I made a decision based on my health, mental and physical. It was the best decision for us.

Please explain how having control over my own body is reckless? Having a child that was very much loved and wanted isn't reckless.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 08:23

I wasn't married

EeksyPeeksy · 03/08/2016 08:27

My DD was very much planned. Her father still isn't involved and still doesn't pay for her. He told me during an argument to get rid.

DD2 wasn't planned and we can't wait for her arrival. DP couldn't be more thrilled.

There are no curtains in life I'm afraid. But if a man doesn't want a child then he has to make the necessary precautions to make sure that doesn't happen.

user87654321 · 03/08/2016 08:38

Okay, so what about this situation: A friend of mine had been sleeping with this guy for years. She had a huge crush on him. She actually asked him if he would father her child (she has two other children). He (politely)said no.

Two months later, she's pregnant. She turned around & told him that if he didn't want a baby, he should have insisted on contraception . He said 'ive been sleeping with you for years, unprotected, and you never fell pregnant then'. He pays child support, but has had a lot of shit from her family for nor stepping up. He made it clear that he did not want a child with her & she carried on, regardless .

LittleMoonbuggy · 03/08/2016 08:44

I meant that taking the risk of becoming pregnant without the baby being discussed, planned and wanted beforehand is reckless. If that conversation hasn't explicitly happened and a decision been made to try for a baby, I would insist on 2 forms of contraception being used as per my PP last night. It's well known that contraception failures happen, nothing is 100% certain, but doubling up and using 2 forms of contraception greatly minimises the risk. It might be a bit more hassle using 2 but when it's about preventing and protecting the needs of a child that hasn't been planned for, I'm happy to sacrifice a little bit of spontaneity and pleasure.

As I said before, great that it all worked out well with your DP but it doesn't always, hence the existence of this thread.

HerRoyalFattyness · 03/08/2016 08:49

And I had used the pill for years without fail and never been pregnant on it. I had been using it again for 10 months (after the birth of DD) without a problem. We thought we'd be safe because it had worked perfectly for so long.
As for 2 forms of contraception. Been there too. What if the pill failed and the condom fails? What then? You can't guarantee anything. OK chances are very slim, but chances of one form of contraception failing are very slim too.

passmethewineplease · 03/08/2016 08:56

Little, unplanned doesn't necessarily mean unwanted. The two are very different.

If gingerbread stats are to be trusted the majority of single mums are from marriages which have broken down. Not from one night stands though obviously that happens as well.

Pearlman · 03/08/2016 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 03/08/2016 08:59

Your friend's fuck buddy/sperm donor is a fucking idiot for barebacking someone who asked him to fertilise her when he was sure he didn't want a child, user. Obviously. Please tell me we weren't meant to sympathise?

Careforadrink · 03/08/2016 09:02

User

It's his own fault. Stick something on the end or dont do it.

What is it with people never taking personal responsibility.

She didn't force him to have sex.

user87654321 · 03/08/2016 09:08

Pearlman: yes, she was on the pill for the six years they were shagging. We adored him. He didn't adore her. She asked him to father her child, he politely said he did not want children. She came off the pill & continued sleeping with him. I know all of this, as she told me.

Pridepred: no, not sympathy. But he has had a lot of shit. And I mean a lot.He pays maintenance but refuses to see this child that he did not want. It's all pretty tragic.

Pearlman · 03/08/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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