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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be anoyed that friend said I'm a pushy Mum

89 replies

NotEnoughTime · 02/08/2016 17:26

Can I ask your opinions on this please?

I bumped into a friend this morning on the way to the train station (I say friend-she is the Mum of one of my DC's friends) and we exchanged pleasantries, as you do.

She asked me where we were going to and I said the Science Museum to which she said "You're such a pushy Mum" and laughed Shock I didn't say anything as I didn't know what to say Confused

Thing is last time I bumped into her (outside of the school gates) was at the same train station TWO YEARS PREVIOUSLY when we were heading to the Natural History Museum so I guess she thinks the only time I take my DC out is to a museum!

Now I know it's not a big deal but it has played on my mind today as I really don't think I'm a pushy Mum at all. In fact I could probably do with being a bit more pushy

I remember reading an article about a lady called Amy Chua who had written a book called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and she was one very pushy scary mother Grin

Can I ask

1)What's your definition of a pushy Mum? and
2)AIBU to be annnoyed that she said I'm a pushy Mum?

OP posts:
MammouthTask · 02/08/2016 19:44

Cigar I think sometimes you need to be acreful about what is boring and what isn't.
A good friend of mkine has taken her dd to the Opera when she was about 6 yo. She did spebd the time explaining her what it was about, they listen to it before hand. her dd LOVED it, sat wo a word fopr the whole time, so much so that a lot opf people commented of well behaved she was.
She is now 10yo and still loves to go to listen to an opera or other obscure music like this.

Same with history (dc1 absolutely loves that and knows much more than me) etc etc

MrsJayy · 02/08/2016 19:44

I hope you set your Dc a project about their day trip Grin

OhMrBadger · 02/08/2016 19:55

Definitely not pushy and others have already suggested her possible reasons for saying it;

  1. Envious of your trip
  2. Used the wrong word to make a 'point' (see above)
  3. Her opinion of visits to museums etc is that they are boring/too cultural/too educational for school holidays

This is, of course, a load of old twaddle. A parent willing to expand a child's imagination and horizons is a very good thing. The opinion that such visits are boring or 'pushy' has probably come through her own childhood experiences. And that's really sad.

Really gets my goat. It's like mocking someone's hobby because it doesn't fit the current social trend. Grrr.

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust · 02/08/2016 19:55

I always groan inwardly when my children want to go to the science museum. It's not that I don't like it, it's just there's lots of people! They love going there though, and the British museum.

They're pushy kids, making me go to these places. Wink

BerylStreep · 02/08/2016 20:10

My definition of pushy would be sending your child to climb Everest aged 12.

The other Mum sounds poisonous - I'd ignore & avoid in future. If you really can't avoid her, I'd have a gem up your sleeve in order to mock her.

Her: Where are you going today (emphasis on today, sneery fake smile)
You: We're just popping down to Coutts to visit our safety deposit box - you?

ProfessorBranestawm · 02/08/2016 20:15

She was rude, and YANBU.

Museums are fun. Learning stuff is fun. Sneering at museums is the kind of thing that makes some children grow up thinking learning is bad/boring. Which is a real shame.

jennn · 02/08/2016 20:21

Please ignore your 'friend'. Hope you had a good day at The Science Museum - love it there.

Original poster
NotEnoughTime · 02/08/2016 20:41

MrsJayy Exactly. We have been to the park a couple of times this holiday pokemon hunting and will no doubt go lots more before the DC go back to school. I didn't set them a project/task on their day out as I know they wouldn't have done it

OhMrBadger Thank you, that's how I feel too.

AnotherUsername You had better watch out-your DC will be packing you off to mandarin classes before you know it Grin

Beryl I like your way of thinking-I might just say that in my head

Thank you Professor and Jennn we had a lovely day Smile Iam absolutely shattered though so I think it will be a very lazy day for us tomorrow.

OP posts:
WingsToFly · 02/08/2016 21:14

I would have been annoyed OP, just don't like sneering or meanspiritedness.

She may have simply been triggered by your museum trip and the engagement you'd have WITH your DCS today if she's a 'sport mum'. So much is required of them in terms of time and commitment, but without much choice about input. Apart from doing 'teas' it can be quite passive. If her husband is coach then could it be that he has a more active and satisfying role in all this?

Original poster
NotEnoughTime · 02/08/2016 21:33

That's a good point Wings maybe it could be that.

OP posts:
FeelingSmurfy · 02/08/2016 22:36

I loved going to the museums when I was a child, and that was before all the interactive stuff there is now!

wizzywig · 02/08/2016 23:25

There are some parents i know who think anything other than brownies/ cubs, football, dance, stagecoach is boring and odd. My kids like some museums and i feel like i have to put on some kind of apologetic tone to my voice when i say what we like doing. Maybe its the folks i hang around with.

BestZebbie · 02/08/2016 23:38

"Results" from pushing are relative, and it is much easier to try to get other people to stop pushing their children by making them question themselves, than to push one's own.

ForeverBeingFobbedOff · 03/08/2016 00:09

You don't sound pushy at all.

I'm sometimes accused of being the pushy sort but I'm not, DD (5) is just
a bit of a geek who enjoys things that lots of other kids her age would find boring. In fact, we are planning a trip to the National History Museum tomorrow and she is very excited!

goose1964 · 03/08/2016 00:28

Pushy parents are the ones that always want there kids to be the most important at everything so make them go to endless after school classes. Would disagree with above poster who mentioned cultural activities as if they weren't fun, have you been to a museum lately? I would never describe myself as pushy(too lazy) but often took kids to museum. Last DD & her DN decided to go out and went to a museum for fun.

NobodyInParticular · 03/08/2016 00:33

Her: Where are you going today (emphasis on today, sneery fake smile)
You: We're just popping down to Coutts to visit our safety deposit box - you?

Love it! Grin

FastWindow · 03/08/2016 00:37

Oh my- regardless of whether you are or aren't (and based on the evidence, im going with not) a pushy mum, how very fucking rude of her to say that.

Cool reception in future from me she'd get.

EverySongbirdSays · 03/08/2016 00:58

For me PUSHY =

  1. Being dramatic over your childs role in the play and the fact the costumes "aren't professional quality" (yes really) Obviously not being Mary has blighted countless careers Hmm
  1. Wanting their child to be a model/actress/famous before the age of 18, PARTICULARLY when there is no especial talent and pushing and pushing and spending thousands on it. See also sport and dance particularly when the child themselves has lost all interest in it. Talent AND interest combined is an exception but talent plus interest plus success is a rare thing indeed.
  1. Child Genius and people putting their 7 y/o in for A Levels, there's no need for it, but some kind of weird parental bragging rights.

Making sure your children are cultured is part of a parents role not pushy. She sounds like the sort who wouldn't read with her kids or teach them the alphabet because that's what school is for.

FayaMAMA · 03/08/2016 01:06

Just avoid her. She sounds judgy as hell.

I hope I'm a pushy mum to an extent. My parents were very blasé about our interests outside of school (academia was pushed hard by our school), on the one hand it was great as we had so much freedom to explore our own hobbies and interests, but on the other I always thought it would have been nice to have been guided a little so that I had a wider range of knowledge when the time came to deciding things about my future and filling out application forms etc.

I was called a pushy mum because my girls are bilingual and learning a third language... even though the first two languages are just what my family speak interchangeably at home as we are dual-national and the third is being taught to them at (pre) school) and even I think it's ridiculous! I took it as an insult because it was intended as an insult, but generally I wouldn't - if that makes any sense?

To me, there is a difference between being pushy and being overbearing (like Chinese 'Tiger moms'); pushing a child into activities that they hate for the gain of social status or brag-ability for the parents is wrong, but guiding (and pushing) a child towards activities that you know might be beneficial to them in the long run, or help them figure out their interests to a further extent then I don't see a problem with it.

Goodasgoldilox · 03/08/2016 01:12

It must be a while since she went to a museum. They are more places for fun than worthiness!

Perhaps she thought you were trying to get your DC a job running the place? That is what any Tiger mother would do.

Goodasgoldilox · 03/08/2016 01:13

It must be a while since she went to a museum. They are more places for fun than worthiness!

Perhaps she thought you were trying to get your DC a job running the place? That is what any Tiger mother would do.

bunnyfuller · 03/08/2016 01:26

I'm all about the pushy with the FREE outings. I suppose we'd be better and non pushy mummies taking them to endless theme parks? My girls beg me to take them back to The Natural History Museum (for a 4th visit!)

MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 07:58

Notenoughtime Im still not sure what snobby about going to a FREE museum but the woman who said was a bit weird.

MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 08:03

Oh my old neighbours Dd was trilingual her parents language her grannys language and English she was 3 last time i saw her and i thought she was amazing this little girl chatting away in 3 languages sorry to derail just when i saw Freyas post i remembered her

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/08/2016 08:12

Taking your child to a museum of any kind is not pushy. Taking your child to a museum before grilling them relentlessly about each and every exhibition is pushy. I agree that Child Genius is a prime example. Those poor children don't have a chance of a childhood because their every waking moment is micromanaged by their pushy parents! I always root for the kids from normal families - parents who encourage them without pressurising. Anyway op, no you don't sound pushy. This woman sounds like a loon.

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