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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How annoyed would you be

93 replies

Pixienott0005 · 01/08/2016 22:33

Ok this legitimately isn't a situation I am in, my sister has been texting me on and off all day about a big fat family feud that has arisen, and I'm wondering what others make of it. Her son (my nephew) was 1 Thursday. Wednesday's her mil looks after her son for 1 day.

My sister collects him from mil house to find the place covered in banners, one of those big 1 helium balloons, more helium balloons, normal balloons every where etc. Her mil told her that her and her SIL had a party for her son and they had a cake and everything.

My sister is irritated as she's saying it is mainly a special milestone for her and her little family. Also kind of takes the specialness out of what her and her partner were going to do on her sons actual birthday on the Thursday. Her mil has just gone and done it all before hand. Plus there was a family party on Saturday where we all celebrated anyway.

Bit much or?

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 02/08/2016 00:32

he is 1.

I wouldn't care what she did. The kid won't remember it or care about it or know what it was about.

If she did it to a 6 year old I'd be really cross.

But ... I'd be re-thinking the MIL looking after baby one day a week.

EssexMummy1234 · 02/08/2016 00:33

Nope its wrong and a bit weird.

KickAssAngel · 02/08/2016 00:41

So - due to his age the 'party' clearly was for the benefit of MIL not the kid. How I'd take that depends very much on relationship with MIL. Could be that she was genuinely over excited, or could be a deliberate attempt to upset your DSis.

If a way to annoy DSis then presumably there would be some history of similar things.

LauderSyme · 02/08/2016 00:48

I don't get this "I'd be really effing angry" response from pp's. I am Shock Confused at lippi
I think your dsis IBU. And a bit jealous and mean-spirited too, tbh.
She must have been present at the family do on Saturday, so she wasn't excluded from her son's first birthday party.
Her mil is the child's grandmother and is perfectly entitled to make a fuss of him on the day that she spent with him that is closest to his birthday.
Your dsis and her dp still got to do their special nuclear-family celebration with him on his actual birthday. It's not like the child would have gone "Cake? Balloons? Fun and fuss and me being the centre of attention? Meh. That's old. I did that yesterday".
If it was my ds I'd be happy that other people love him and cherish him enough to make the effort.
If your dsis is going to be this possessive about all her son's significant events, and create family feuds over them, then I feel sorry for him because he is the one who will miss out.

FuckitsAndSpades · 02/08/2016 01:00

MIL wanted to get in first, and thats nasty

exactly, and while I wouldn't make a fuss about it this time I'ld make sure to be cagey about other planned firsts and special gifts/plans incase the MIL jumped in "first" there too, leaving me with a redundant trike/bike/slide/playhouse and having to dash out on christmas eve to buy a back-up gift!

tell her to throw the MIL red herrings for next christmas and birthdays.. if she latches on to them and buys them and gives them early, then nothing's lost since it wasn't her real plan anyway.

VioletBam · 02/08/2016 01:24

But he'd already HAD a party on Saturday! How was MIL getting in first??

FuckitsAndSpades · 02/08/2016 01:27

she did it before the Saturday.

If it was just well meant excitement she'ld have mentioned it and not kept it a secret until it was done, and THEN gushed about it.

Bogeyface · 02/08/2016 01:27

Agree Fuckits How many threads have there been on MN about the parents saying that they are getting a bike for their child only for the grandparents/siblings/friend to turn up unannounced with the same present, before the parents have had a chance?!

FuckitsAndSpades · 02/08/2016 01:37

yeah you see loads of them at panto time don't you: parent expressed excitment about taking kid to first panto only for grandmother to sneak the kid off to a panto performance and only tell the parents later..

Some posters always say "aww she's just an excited grandma"
yeah Hmm so excited she mentioned NOTHING about it before hand Hmm

My MIL is an "excited grandma" - if she bookssomething like that for the DCs she says how excited she is and asks them if they're excited when she picks them up, not just when it's done

MaryDoloresOHoolihan · 02/08/2016 01:49

Christ, the things people get upset about on here. Some folk must spend half their lives being absolutely livid about one thing or another.

Memoires · 02/08/2016 01:57

It would bother me, but I'd bite my lip and try to put it behind me, as it will have had no effect on the baby at all.

I would make sure that next year mil didn't get near him within a week either side of his birthday, though, and keep him out of her way completely between Dec1st and 25th. Wink

Bogeyface · 02/08/2016 01:58

Again, agree fuckits

A truly excited grandparent would say "ooh I have bought...." but some dont, and thats because its done purposely.

Mary I assume that you have never experience this, and I envy you.

RosieSW · 02/08/2016 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckitsAndSpades · 02/08/2016 02:06

Rosie:

Weds: MILs party
Thurs: immediate family actual birthday
Saturday: wider family (incl MIL) party

FuckitsAndSpades · 02/08/2016 02:09

"My sister collects him from mil house to find the place covered in banners, one of those big 1 helium balloons, more helium balloons, normal balloons every where etc. Her mil told her that her and her SIL had a party for her son and they had a cake and everything."

Why would you not tell/show all that fuss to the childs mother until she collects the child?

If you don't think that's nasty then you must admit it's weird to not mention or show or include the childs mother at all

Atenco · 02/08/2016 02:11

I'd be over the moon if someone had given mine a party, I never saw the point of a first birthday party, or even a second to be honest

Me too and, as long as I don't have to organise them, the more parties the better.

Still I don't know how I would feel about this being done behind my back.

Memoires · 02/08/2016 02:25

It's the sneakiness with which it was done that's the problem. That's what's most bothersome about it especially as there is/was a family party arranged already on the Saturday (not sure if that's in the future or the past, but it doesn't much matter) which mil would be at.

That sneakiness suggests there will be more problems of this nature in the future. Tell your sis to get on MN, she'll probably need it.

Ameliablue · 02/08/2016 07:45

I read the op as the Saturday party was first but even without that I think it would be weirder for mil to arrange a party and invite the parents. I would assume she had the party when she did as it was a long standing child care arrangement and she knew the parents just wanted it to be them on the actual birthday and would be working that day . It may have been a last minute decision so want mentioned before. It may even have been the sister that arranged it as a surprise for her mum.
But mumsnet.com is always convinced of the evil of mil's.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/08/2016 07:51

I would be bemused I think rather than annoyed

At age 1 he won't have a clue so any parties are really for everyone else - if the MIL/SIL had fun then no harm done IMO

Noonesfool · 02/08/2016 08:01

Meh. Wouldn't bother me. The more people who live my child and who want to celebrate and do stuff with him the better. It only becomes an issue if you allow it to.
"Ah lovely, thanks so much MIL, now, is there a piece of that cake for me to take home, it looks delicious!"

Children aren't possessions.

Noonesfool · 02/08/2016 08:02

*love
I wouldn't want him to actually live with someone else Blush

ronjo · 02/08/2016 09:14

lippi your post is one of the most jawdropping ones I have ever seen here. Holding a grudge like that for 17 years..... WTF?

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2016 10:05

"Wouldn't bother me. The more people who live my child and who want to celebrate and do stuff with him the better"

This.

Cinnabunbun · 02/08/2016 10:23

I'd be torn between feeling really happy for the tot having an exciting new experience, and at the same time gutted to have missed the milestone party. Of course the 1 yr old would have no memory of it but the MIL was totally stealing the mum's thunder.

How strange of the MIL not to mention it in advance, or at least when the mum was dropping off in the morning. Is the MIL a bit weird with personal agendas generally?

It would be really important to talk calmly with the MIL about it and how it had made her (the mum) feel. Set the boundaries and expectations early or you might end up with a whole childhood of resentments and agendas.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2016 10:51

So. Family party celebrating birthday on Saturday. Balloons and cake with Grandma and Aunty on Wednesday (because he was there anyway). Celebration of actual day with mum and dad on Thursday.

Sounds lovely. I genuinely can't see what anyone has done wrong.