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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry about a generous gift

57 replies

Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:12

My dh helped my mum with a job recently and in return she bought him an expensive new tablet for hundreds of pounds! He felt rather embarrassed as he didn't want anything in return!! I want to just be happy for him but I can't get over this stupid irrational annoyance. I think it's because my mum keeps saying it's because he "deserves" it so much. She picked up on my feeling peeved and said that my Inlaws treated us to a holiday so why couldn't she treat dh too? My Inlaws had a bond that matured and gave us a holiday we wouldn't otherwise have had, it benefitted all of us, they didn't pick who was most "deserving!".

Dh has been through a rough time lately - his dad is terminally ill and he has to do a lot for his mum with very little thanks so I suppose mum was trying to redress the balance a little. But such an expensive non essential gift?!! She says he works hard but I do too and I've had to fund a college course myself and haven't had new clothes, a coat or a haircut for a very long time. I know I'm being unreasonable but please help me understand why I feel the way I do and how to get over it!!

OP posts:
HeyMacWey · 01/08/2016 08:15

Sounds really random - did the job your dh help with save her a lot of money?

HeyMacWey · 01/08/2016 08:15

Perhaps seeing it as a gift for the family may help you get over your anger about it?

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:16

No he just helped her choose and install an electrical item for her home.

OP posts:
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 08:17

It sounds more as if you feel under appreciated than annoyed that she spent money on a gift. Would you feel the same if she had given it to you both as joint present? Do you feel that your DH appreciates how hard you work?

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:17

It's very hard to do that Heymac - every time she comes over she wants to know "how dh is getting on with HIS new tablet!"

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 01/08/2016 08:17

Why do you feel like this?

Do you do a lot for your mum and not get thanked in that way?

Do you feel a bit unsupported by her and jealous that your dh was rewarded for his good behaviour whereas it's just expected of you?

Did the job he did save your mum a lot of money and she feels bad about pore risky taking advantage?

Or is it just that you could as a couple have out the money to better use if she had offered him a bit of cash and it's a little bit galling to see it going on a non essential?

I don't think either of you ABU, it sound like she wanted to thank him properly but I can understand it might feel odd and with families there isusually some deeper dynamic going on.

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:20

Billy - I do feel under appreciated but I don't ask for any thanks, I just get on with it like we all do but when someone else gets such a grand gift from my own mother that blatantly excludes me it really hurts.

OP posts:
Donthate · 01/08/2016 08:20

You do seem jealous, do you wish she would buy you something? I'm sure you can use the tablet too.

Jealousy is such a destructive emotion I don't give it any time at all, it just eats away at you. You need to think of some positives to block the jealousy out (I'm so lucky that I could afford the course, it will let me do X in the future etc) never compare, there will always be someone better or worse off than you. At the end of the day it's just a tablet and not worth over thinking.

blueskyinmarch · 01/08/2016 08:20

From your post it seems that you are unhappy that your DH was given a gift for helping your DM but you are cross because you feel he didn’t need this item and that you are in need of much more basic items (like a coat, clothes etc). However your DM could have just not given your DH anything for the help he provided and you would still be in the same position. I think you are maybe a little envious and peeved that he has been given something which is non essential and you haven’t been given anything when you feel you have a greater need? I am not trying to say you are wrong in how you feel, just trying to help you unpick why you might feel like this.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 08:22

Thought so! Does you DH appreciate what you do? When I think I'm being taken for granted, I take off for a weeekend at the Spa, just so he remembers how hard it is to look after the kids, the house and hold down a job as well 😉

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:22

Yes bluesky you're spot on!! Couldn't she have just got him a book or something?! The size of the treat feels like an issue here.

OP posts:
Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/08/2016 08:23

Could it be that you always do lots of little helpful things while DH is overly rewarded for one (admittedly big) help?

MackerelOfFact · 01/08/2016 08:24

It sounds like she just wanted to do something nice for him at a difficult time. As long as she can afford it, is that so bad? Surely it's better than them hating each other and making life difficult!

It's a bit mean-spirited to begrudge someone you love receiving a generous gift from someone else you love, just because you think you deserve it more.

Donthate · 01/08/2016 08:24

You don't get to choose what other people spend their money on. It's an over the top gift but it's just that a gift.

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amelie10 · 01/08/2016 08:28

It's really ugly to be so jealous over someone you supposedly love. Your mum can choose to buy a new tablet for him if she wants. And she's right, your il gave you a holiday so why shouldn't she do something generous as well. You sound childish.

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:29

I know it's wrong - I don't want to feel this way, I really don't. Sad

OP posts:
Pearlman · 01/08/2016 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amelie10 · 01/08/2016 08:35

His dad is terminally ill, his family has gifted you all a holiday, aren't you glad you have a mum who is so thoughtful? Shame this didn't rub off on you. His dad is seriously ill and you begrudge him this gift, that's what's on your mind?

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2016 08:36

It's not childish. I do wish people could disagree with a person without belittling them. We cannot all control our feelings, they are what they are. The OP is asking for advice not a kicking.

It is odd for a parent to do something so over the top for an in-law when they don't recognise what their actual DC do for them, which is what appears to be the case here.

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:38

Amelie that's a little harsh to assume I'm not thoughtful. I do help out Dh's family and my own regularly. I also help out friends all the time too.

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/08/2016 08:39

YANBU

It's hurtful. Your Mum can surely see you are making every penny stretch & that you do a lot for her. Your DH helps with one thing and YOUR Mum buys him a Tablet. It's a nice gift for DH at a time when he needs a bit of cheering up, but it's incredibly thoughtless in regard to her own daughter.

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:40

Thank you Nannyogg - I appreciate your response and understanding. I'm not a bad person just for having one bad feeling.

OP posts:
Crankyblob · 01/08/2016 08:48

yoir in laws paying for a holiday may have made your mum feel insignificant also, therefore the first chance she got, she went overboard to redress the balance in her own mind! Plus she clearly wanted to do something nice while he is going through this.

I know you Know YABU but in all honestly it would never occur to me to feel like this if my parents give DH a gift! So that leads me to think either there is a problem between you and Dm or you and DH!

Do you have Any brothers or sisters? I ask because you are very much describing the emotions of sibling rivalry.

LineyReborn · 01/08/2016 08:49

Has your mother ever done this kind of thing with gift giving before? It is a minefield in my family.

Short of money and stressed? Need new clothes or to pay the gas bill? My mother will buy you an expensive cut glass fruit bowl and cry on Christmas Day if you don't enthuse about it for at least an hour.

About to go on a backpacking trip to the Negev Desert to study subterranean features in drift geology, but short on food budget money for the expedition? My sister will buy you a set of carmen rollers (with plug) to take with you.

Having your home repossessed? My family will club together and buy you a spa weekend to ease the stress of homelessness.

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