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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry about a generous gift

57 replies

Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:12

My dh helped my mum with a job recently and in return she bought him an expensive new tablet for hundreds of pounds! He felt rather embarrassed as he didn't want anything in return!! I want to just be happy for him but I can't get over this stupid irrational annoyance. I think it's because my mum keeps saying it's because he "deserves" it so much. She picked up on my feeling peeved and said that my Inlaws treated us to a holiday so why couldn't she treat dh too? My Inlaws had a bond that matured and gave us a holiday we wouldn't otherwise have had, it benefitted all of us, they didn't pick who was most "deserving!".

Dh has been through a rough time lately - his dad is terminally ill and he has to do a lot for his mum with very little thanks so I suppose mum was trying to redress the balance a little. But such an expensive non essential gift?!! She says he works hard but I do too and I've had to fund a college course myself and haven't had new clothes, a coat or a haircut for a very long time. I know I'm being unreasonable but please help me understand why I feel the way I do and how to get over it!!

OP posts:
UnexpectedBaggage · 01/08/2016 08:52

I think it was a lovely gesture. She's trying to give your H a treat because he's having a hard time. Sorry, OP, but you sound very childish, "It's not fair"!

diddl · 01/08/2016 08:54

Is there stuff that you do for your mum that you feel you should have been given something for?

Mrscaindingle · 01/08/2016 08:55

I don't think YABU, there is a tendency in some families for the males to get a lot more praise and recognition for doing nice thoughtful things but for women it's just expected and not really worthy of mention.

My ex was helpful around the house in a look at me kind of a way and I was always being told how lucky I was, usually by older female relatives? I don't think he ever got told how lucky he was to have me. Do you feel that if you had done the same thing for your mum that you would have got a tablet?

On the plus side it is good that they clearly get on, so many in law threads on here where people don't.

LineyReborn · 01/08/2016 08:58

The OP knows she needs to understand where these negative feelings are coming from.

Calling her childish etc and generally insulting her is pretty mean.

Sometimes presents are used to make statements. I think OP's trying to work out what's being said here.

diddl · 01/08/2016 09:02

It sounds as if you are fed up because you don't get recognition from your mum for what you do & you see it as a complete waste of money when you need stuff.

ScarletForYa · 01/08/2016 09:02

I've had to fund a college course myself

But who else would pay for it?

I really think the fact that his Dad is terminally ill probably has a lot to do with it. Also there could be an element of 'keeping up with the Jones's' about it. Perhaps she felt she had to give something approaching equal value.

ScarletForYa · 01/08/2016 09:03

Equal value to the holiday.

UnexpectedBaggage · 01/08/2016 09:05

As my parents got older my DH did a lot for them, I did as well - but I'm their daughter and it was payback time for all they had done for me.

They appreciated all he did and always thanked him profusely, more than they did me. But that's to be expected, he wasn't their blood. I know they appreciated me as well and was so pleased that they and my DH had such a good relationship.

FetchezLaVache · 01/08/2016 09:06

Am I right in thinking you've posted about your mum, your husband and the tablet before? A couple of months ago, IIRC, and more from the angle that you felt really in your DH's shadow because people tend to appreciate the things he does to help them out more than the things you do to help?

Apols if it's just a really random coincidence, but you're clearly not even nearly past this. Can I ask, are you more annoyed with your DH or your DM over this?

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 09:07

Diddl - I haven't asked for recognition for anything, I'm not saying "he's got a toy so I want one!" and I do give him a lot of support with his family and making sure he has time to himself. I suppose like Liney and mrscain have identified, due to the sheer scale of the gift and the accompanying comments, rightly or wrongly it feels like a statement is being made about my value. It probably sounds childish because it relates to how I often felt when I was little and mrscain is right - men do get more recognition generally.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 01/08/2016 09:08

I was remembering the other thread. In that one part of the issue was the DH being praised all the time for all he did for others while the wife was at homing picking up the slack. The tablet part of the story was the same.

roundaboutthetown · 01/08/2016 09:13

But really, the present wasn't a way of saying he deserves more than you, it was a way of saying he deserves something nice. Try not to bring yourself into it - it's not as if your existence makes him undeserving, is it? If she had given a present for both of you, as she is your mother it would probably have come across as being more for your benefit than his. I doubt she did it to upset you!!

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 01/08/2016 09:15

So despite working to support himself (and you presumably) and an ill dad he still managed to find time to help his partners mum. He sounds lovely.

He's likely picked up on the fact you begrudge him the gift when it's his alone yet we're very happy to take a holiday worth more when it benefitted you.

If you want nice things, there's always the choice of working. College courses are done by most at night or online round full time jobs.

randomer · 01/08/2016 09:28

sell it and give the money to help refugees

Rubies12345 · 01/08/2016 09:28

I've had to fund a college course myself and haven't had new clothes, a coat or a haircut for a very long time.

If you're a married lady, presumably over 18, you shouldn't be expecting financial help from parents.

The gift may have been inappropriate but so was the holiday. Sounds like they paid for your holiday so your mum felt the need to reciprocate, maybe to save face.

Amelie10 · 01/08/2016 09:35

Yes you are childish. His dad has a terminal illness but rather think what a lovely gesture, you are whinging like a child about his gift.
And why must your mum pay for your coat or studies, you are a grown married woman?
Your DH seems lovely helping others when he is going through his own stuff, maybe he does deserve the recognition he is getting.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2016 09:36

I don't see that the holiday was inappropriate. It was for the whole family.

MatildaTheCat · 01/08/2016 09:48

This is awfully familiar, didn't you post about the same issue quite recently?

Since it was an electrical item there are a few scenarios that spring to mind. Maybe in the store they saw tablets and got chatting about how great they are and she made an impulse decision to buy him one? Or she bought one item, say a washing machine which gave her a discount on another?

Maybe the smallish job he did weighed as extremely important to her because, for example, she had no clean clothes or no way of cooking?

Perhaps she has always been really fond of him due to him being a great dh to you, her beloved daughter and wanted to express that?

See, there are lots of versions which are not 'he's more deserving than dd'.

Finally, it's a fact of life that often the people who do most to help, frequently the mundane, thankless tasks go under the appreciation radar while the one 'special' job done by someone else gets all the gratitude. The tablet came into your household, try to be pleased with that.

(And if you are really desperate for new clothes just ask her? Maybe she's so used to you 'dressing down' she thinks it as your norm?)

pictish · 01/08/2016 09:51

Well I think it's a disproportionate and inappropriate gift as well OP.
I'd have to ask her why she saw fit to give him it.

Favouritethings · 01/08/2016 09:56

Didn't you post about this a while ago?

mrsmuddlepies · 01/08/2016 10:04

Imagine this post was reversed so that the wife had a terminally ill parent but still found time to help an in law and in return her MIL bought her an expensive gift. We would all pile in to say how thoughtful, kind and understanding in the circumstances. I am afraid I don't get how someone can be jealous of a partner when they are going through a difficult time. Your mother sounds like a nicer person than you. Be pleased for your husband ( surely you can share the I-pad?) You may look back on this with some shame when you have a real sadness in your life.

Original poster
Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 10:06

Just to clarify I do work, (I study in the evenings) and am doing overtime to pay for dd's school uniform and swimming lessons - I have never expected anyone to pay for anything. These feelings have only been stirred up because dh has been given a luxury item. Thank you for your comments good and bad, will let the matter lie now.

OP posts:
bunnyfuller · 01/08/2016 10:06

I saved a neighbour's baby's life earlier in the year and they got me a plant. Enjoy the tablet!!

PrivatePike · 01/08/2016 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WiltingTulip · 01/08/2016 10:08

liney that's funny- you described my family!

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