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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel angry about a generous gift

57 replies

Justmeagain78 · 01/08/2016 08:12

My dh helped my mum with a job recently and in return she bought him an expensive new tablet for hundreds of pounds! He felt rather embarrassed as he didn't want anything in return!! I want to just be happy for him but I can't get over this stupid irrational annoyance. I think it's because my mum keeps saying it's because he "deserves" it so much. She picked up on my feeling peeved and said that my Inlaws treated us to a holiday so why couldn't she treat dh too? My Inlaws had a bond that matured and gave us a holiday we wouldn't otherwise have had, it benefitted all of us, they didn't pick who was most "deserving!".

Dh has been through a rough time lately - his dad is terminally ill and he has to do a lot for his mum with very little thanks so I suppose mum was trying to redress the balance a little. But such an expensive non essential gift?!! She says he works hard but I do too and I've had to fund a college course myself and haven't had new clothes, a coat or a haircut for a very long time. I know I'm being unreasonable but please help me understand why I feel the way I do and how to get over it!!

OP posts:
logosthecat · 01/08/2016 10:11

The thing that jumps out at me is that you feel slightly jealous of your DH receiving this gift. (Where you say that you need new things, and yet he's the one who has been given this present). I think that the language of him 'deserving' it is likely to inflame these feelings too! (It's as if you don't deserve it!)

I wonder if there is back history here? Are there ways in which your mother has sidelined you and your needs before in favour of other people? It's like you don't feel that she 'sees' the effort and hard work you are putting in, just your DH and his situation.

I can understand those feelings, because my parents constantly sideline me in favour of a sibling!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 01/08/2016 10:32

There are psychological studies (can't link, they're in professional journals) which show that we are far more jealous when someone close to us has some good fortune than when it's someone we don't know.

This happens regardless of the extent of the good luck itself - eg the jealousy hits us far harder if a friend wins £10k than it does when some random wins £100 million on the lottery. It is also not directly linked to our own situation, so in that example if you were hard up you would feel the jealousy very much, but you would still feel some jealousy even if you were comfortably off.

(Disclaimer - I know that this is inviting responses form some posters of 'I wouldn't be jealous, I would be thrilled if my DP, BFF, DSis whoever had some good luck'. It's not everyone, but it is proven to be a general pattern of reaction.)

And when it's someone close there are constant reminders, whereas with the random you forget very quickly.

You are really struggling personally, you haven't had anything nice for yourself for a long time, and your DH gets a gift where at an objective level the worth of the gift is out of proportion to the effort put in.
You are going to struggle with this, because that's just the way we respond.

Time will help to fade the feelings, but I also suggest that you might ask DH if there is some spare money that would allow you to have a bit of a shopping spree, maybe a haircut and a warm coat for the winter.

And try not to beat yourself up for feeling this way, because then you'll make yourself feel even worse.

Babynamechange · 01/08/2016 11:17

I get it justmeagain
She's actually being quite divisive in a way..... No recognition for all that you do but then when your DH does something there's this huge display of appreciation. It's undermining you in a fairly blatant way and I completely get where you're coming from. I expect she does this 'subtly' quite a lot.....hence your reaction now and also why you can't quite put your finger on why you feel so upset Flowers x

goddessoftheharvest · 01/08/2016 11:17

Have you posted about this before OP?

RestlessTraveller · 01/08/2016 12:56

I seem to have heard this before...

Favouritethings · 01/08/2016 16:08

Op has posted about this before saying how everyone thinks her she is perfect and praised for everything. She feels everything she does is unrecognised. Think you need to find a way to try and get over this op!! I'm sure you're resentment is noticed.

Alohamora · 01/08/2016 16:17

I too read the OP's other thread. I think she has to let it go now or else she'll become resentful and that resentment will take over.

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