Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Aibu to not go to funeral

97 replies

Pixienott0005 · 31/07/2016 18:27

I know how this is going to sound to some but I still need advice all the same so here goes:

DH gran died 2 weeks ago and her funeral is next Tuesday. She was 91 just died in her sleep. I met her a few times and she was a lovely lady. It's a sad loss and I've been supportive to my husband who is really upset over it.

It's a busy time at the office and that week I am needed for some high level support while our a Finance Director is on leave. I've swapped my day off to be able to attend the funeral but it wasn't easy because that day I am needed to go to a meeting and I really should be there but never mind. It can't be reschedule either.

The funeral is in Newcastle and I'm in Truro so it is a bit of a treck. I do not get on well with DH family and I am dreading having to spend a night with some of them and then the actual day of the funeral. There's always tension between us and something always occurs whether it be a snide remark regarding DS (they think they are the highlight of his life) or some condescending comment or other.

Also my DH wants to take our son who is just 1 to the funeral which I think will be a nightmare. I mean why would he need to go?

Would I be unreasonable to not got and keep DS here, or say DS can go and I stay here alone.

OP posts:

Lweji · 01/08/2016 21:58

Smurf you couldn't get that support from siblings, your parents or other relatives?

Having gone through a recent bereavement, each one of us needed support. I had to be strong for my mum and yes I'd have liked to have a partner there for support.

When my grandad died it meant a lot to me that my bf at the time took time off to see me to the airport.
Just because some people can cope, it doesn't mean we should dismiss those who do need the support.
I've taken time off to support friends and vice versa. Why not?

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/08/2016 09:54

Given the distance you need to travel with a small baby and the fact you didn't know the deceased very well I'd send regrets and stay at home.

Lweji · 02/08/2016 09:57

Presumably the OP knows her OH very well?

I've been to friends' relatives'' funerals not because I knew the deceased well, but because the surviving friend could do with the support.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 02/08/2016 10:01

When my grandad died, my DH didn't attend the funeral as I didn't think it was right for our dc to attend. I ended up spending an amazing night with my grandmother telling me things I never knew. The day of the funeral was hard though as everyone else had support but I was kind of alone. I think where possible you should go but agree for a lot of us it's not a place for kids

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/08/2016 10:01

Sorry - I've just seen your update. Given DH is so unhappy about you not being there then you've made the right decision but you have to be practical. And I don't think taking a small baby on a long journey so they can attend a funeral they won't understand and might interrupt is very practical. I think, against the grain of the thread, YANBU.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/08/2016 10:03

Lewiji - her DP isn't the deceased.

AnUtterIdiot · 02/08/2016 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 02/08/2016 10:23

Lewiji - her DP isn't the deceased.

Erm... I know that...
Did you read the rest of my post there?

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2016 10:33

I've been to friends' relatives'' funerals not because I knew the deceased well, but because the surviving friend could do with the support.

Me too. When my friend's dad died a group of us went to support her, even though we didn't really know the dad. She aaid she really appreciated it.

BikeRunSki · 02/08/2016 10:45

DM went to my dad's first wife's funeral, "to look after my boys". First wife was "the boys" mother, but DM raised them from before school age. They were in their 40s at the time, but always "my boys".

Quimby · 02/08/2016 13:17

"I don't think this is as bad as some posters are making out.

The op clearly says he is really upset. Then his wife tells him she doesn't want to go and support him because she is too busy with work.

I am guessing he was pretty hurt at a time he is already grieving. And quite frankly why should he go to funerals to support his wife, when she wont do the same.

If the op had posted from her husbands point of view saying her dh wouldn't go because of work and because he didn't like her family, people would be telling her he was wanker and she shouldn't support him at funerals either."

Add if the dh had actually secured time off work and said he'd go but then changed his mind and was also telling his wife that her child wouldn't be attending either

itsmine · 02/08/2016 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2016 13:48

If the funeral had been halfway across the country, obviously we wouldn't have gone.

This is the op's husband though, not a friend. He's really upset and he wants her there to support him. She can get together off work. Of course she should go.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2016 13:48

Time not together^

Mitel · 02/08/2016 16:05

Some of the comments on here are absolutely disgusting. Surprise, surprise certain people start accusing hte DH of being an 'emotionally manipulative wanker'.

A person important to him has died. The OP is his loving partner. The fact that a thread even exists on this is horrible enough. You go, you go with your (and his!!) child if that is what he wants. You be there for him.

The people trying to tell him how to grieve and that his family is enough are just so unbeliavbly selfish. Just maybe he wants to be with his wife and child, just maybe when he sees an elderly person he loves leave him, having a youthful life around will give him as smile, just maybe his feelings should come first here.
It may be a bit annoying for the OP, but this is literally life and death we are talking about, not who should go to the shops or babysit.

As for the poster that said poke the baby so it screams and you can leave the funeral service, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.

A loving partner would just be there, inconvenient, annoying or otherwise. If their family makes a little dig when the OP there? Suck it up, and just be there for your partner. the amount of people that want huge sympathy for a headache or cramp (or similar minor daily issues), and then will go the opposite way when you are talking about the death of a family member............well, it beggars belief.

He may have been a tad childish in response, but who wouldn't be. The fact he is having to justify wanting the OP there, when he is already upset, would make anyone act frustrated and slightly irrational.

Sirzy · 02/08/2016 16:16

Well said mitel

AlpacaPicnic · 03/08/2016 22:03

Oh that was me! I'm not ashamed at all actually. The bit about poking the baby was a joke dear... I was encouraging the op to go along.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 04/08/2016 06:59

I think that some people should be ashamed of making the OP feel guilty. Her suggestion that she stay at home with her one year while her DH attended the funeral was a perfectly reasonable alternative and she got kicking. I think it's disgusting that people on a thread are aggressive to those trying to see the less popular argument on a threas.

purplevase4 · 04/08/2016 10:10

I wouldn't go. Truro to Newcastle is a long way to travel, never mind take a 1 year old.

And I wouldn't go if I thought the family were going to be snidey too. When I went to my grandmother's funeral there was bad feeling and my mum was ignored by some of my father's family. It was very unpleasant given she'd made the effort to go (and the reason they were ignoring her was unjustified).

OP you know your DH and how much he needs you there. But it's not just case of going down the road and I don't think it would be unreasonable at all not to go. But if he really really wants you there, then I think you'll have to go. Even though I think it's silly to take a baby to a funeral.

Italiangreyhound · 04/08/2016 10:18

I have not read all the comments. I think you should be with your Dh and support him. Ignore all sarky or whatever comments from family/ change the subject, whatever.

Forget work for one or two days. If they cannot manage without a team member (even an important one) for two days then the company is in trouble anyway.

The baby will be unaffected by the funeral and family may enjoy seeing him and ... Maybe even you. This could turn things around as they see you supporting your man in his hour of need.

itsmine · 04/08/2016 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 04/08/2016 10:58

I expect there is a big difference between friends and an OH.

Flip

1 2 3 4