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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to funeral

97 replies

Pixienott0005 · 31/07/2016 18:27

I know how this is going to sound to some but I still need advice all the same so here goes:

DH gran died 2 weeks ago and her funeral is next Tuesday. She was 91 just died in her sleep. I met her a few times and she was a lovely lady. It's a sad loss and I've been supportive to my husband who is really upset over it.

It's a busy time at the office and that week I am needed for some high level support while our a Finance Director is on leave. I've swapped my day off to be able to attend the funeral but it wasn't easy because that day I am needed to go to a meeting and I really should be there but never mind. It can't be reschedule either.

The funeral is in Newcastle and I'm in Truro so it is a bit of a treck. I do not get on well with DH family and I am dreading having to spend a night with some of them and then the actual day of the funeral. There's always tension between us and something always occurs whether it be a snide remark regarding DS (they think they are the highlight of his life) or some condescending comment or other.

Also my DH wants to take our son who is just 1 to the funeral which I think will be a nightmare. I mean why would he need to go?

Would I be unreasonable to not got and keep DS here, or say DS can go and I stay here alone.

OP posts:
skankingpiglet · 31/07/2016 19:15

You need to go for your DH's sake.

As for taking your DS, I think you need to go with what your DH would like. I lost my DM last year and it never crossed my mind not to bring my 11mo. I felt like we were all there as a family to say goodbye and it was a comfort. I wouldn't have taken her to a more distant relative's funeral, but for DM's it was entirely appropriate. She made a few small noises during the ceremony (which DH sorted out) but was otherwise fine, and I think Mum would have appreciated her there too.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 31/07/2016 19:17

This funeral isn't about you. To be honest you shouldnt go because you don't sound very supportive. Let you partner take your son.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 31/07/2016 19:17

Absolutely agree with Needsaglass I was just about to post similar, rereading your post OP you don't say whether your DH wants you to go with him. The fact that he wants to take your DS with him, might suggest that he does want his family's support (that's you, by the way) but when my DHs grandfather died, we had young children and he was quite happy to travel to the funeral on his own.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/07/2016 19:25

You should do what your DH would like you to do. I think if he wants DS to go, and I would too, you should go so you can take DS out if absolutely necessary. It'll be nice for the family to see him. Suck up spending time with his family, it's only a night or two - if it's really that awful, book a hotel.

As for work. Words fail me. It's a JOB. Your husbands Gran just died. No one is that important they can't take a day off for a funeral, the world won't end because the meeting goes on without you. Really, it won't.

I like babies & children at funerals - it's a circle of life, it's being there as a family. So what if they cry a bit (if a lot then take them out) or ask when it's time for the sandwiches (from another thread), it's a funeral, it's 'good bye' to someone we love - not a Heads of State gathering.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 31/07/2016 19:26

Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to - time to just smile and get on with it.

scaryteacher · 31/07/2016 19:31

It looks as if you can fly Exeter to Newcastle which might make travelling easier, otherwise it's a hell of a journey. My home in UK is Devon/Cornwall borders and that's bad enough to get anywhere, let alone being further down county as you are.

Original poster
Pixienott0005 · 31/07/2016 19:35

We have a hotel book but his mum has told us that the whole family are meeting at her brothers house and we are having a take away there apparently. Which just leaves me open to shit. Something will happen or be said that will get on my wick.

DH asked me to go and actually said if I don't go then he'd never go to any of my family's funerals so I jus said of course I would go.

Looks like I'm going. If it looks awful not to go to a bunch of strangers, then God knows what his family would think.

OP posts:
Smurfnoff · 31/07/2016 19:41

My friend recently stayed with me the night before a family funeral. He should've been thinking about his aunt who had died, but his main worry was how things would be between him and his stepmother, who he's had many issues with. It's a rotten situation, but as I said to him, they were both going to say goodbye to his aunt and that was what was important. He texted that night to say they'd had a heart to heart at the reception and had sorted quite a few things out.

Your mother-in-law may well be a cow, but at this funeral she'll be a grieving daughter. Giving you a hard time will be the last thing on her mind.

AlpacaPicnic · 31/07/2016 23:56

I think you are right to go, but I think your husband is a bit of an arse for emotionally blackmailing you into it tbh. If I was going to a relatives funeral I wouldn't want someone there out of sufferance. It would ruin the whole point for me.

LifeInJeneral · 01/08/2016 00:03

You need to suck it up, its not.like you need to go for a week, you're not even staying over. To not go.and support him when he desperately wants you to just in case his family might day something that gets on your nerves sounds incredibly selfish. His family certainly wouldn't like you after that.

PurpleDaisies · 01/08/2016 00:04

pixie if you think you're going to have trouble not getting into an argument, miss the take away saying you've got a headache. Get an early night instead.

I think it's the right decision to go to the funeral and support your husband.

Salmotrutta · 01/08/2016 00:13

I think you should go.
I can't imagine not going to a funeral of DH's close family.

As to your 1 year old child - you take them (I get its a long journey but with plenty of breaks it's do-able) and if he cries in the middle of the service you take him out.

We drove our kids from central Scotland to the south of England when they were very little on more than one occasion (journey of about 9 hours) and we made it.

pennefabredux · 01/08/2016 00:20

My DH attended his grandmother's funeral without me (we were expecting DC imminently and there was long travel that would have made it difficult). Family understood. He was fine with it. Sometimes we just need to "divide and conquer" and that's what being a supportive spouse is about.

Talk to him honestly and ask him what he needs and wants. Given your issues with his family, maybe he doesn't need or want you there ... Which is fine.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/08/2016 00:37

Did you not read the OP's posts Penne?

DH asked me to go and actually said if I don't go then he'd never go to any of my family's funerals so I jus said of course I would go

Pixie. Is he always that much of an emotionally manipulative wanker or is it out of character? If he is always like that I'd tell him to push off and go on his own, and if he's like that frequently I'd be looking at the relationship very closely. If he thinks it's ok to talk to you like that I can imagine what the rest of the family must be like. Good luck.

Smurfnoff · 01/08/2016 00:40

You do know he's just lost someone he loves? Throwing around terms like 'manipulative wanker' just makes you come across as vile.

trafalgargal · 01/08/2016 01:02

If you lost a much loved very close relative and your husband refused to go with you to support you ....or moaned the whole time that they should have been at a meeting ....how would you feel ?

(We already know if this was a reverse you'd be told to LTB)

Jenijena · 01/08/2016 01:10

Go. I took my then one year old to a funeral. Spent most of the time outside but you go, it's what you do...sorry.

davos · 01/08/2016 06:57

DH asked me to go and actually said if I don't go then he'd never go to any of my family's funerals so I jus said of course I would go.

I don't think this is as bad as some posters are making out.

The op clearly says he is really upset. Then his wife tells him she doesn't want to go and support him because she is too busy with work.

I am guessing he was pretty hurt at a time he is already grieving. And quite frankly why should he go to funerals to support his wife, when she wont do the same.

If the op had posted from her husbands point of view saying her dh wouldn't go because of work and because he didn't like her family, people would be telling her he was wanker and she shouldn't support him at funerals either.

Damselindestress · 01/08/2016 07:37

Yes the journey and getting time off work sound stressful but this is one of those times in a relationship when you just need to step up and put your feelings to one side because it isn't about you. I don't really enjoy being around DH's extended family because they are dysfunctional and have made hurtful comments about me in the past but nothing would have stopped me supporting him at his gran's funeral.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 01/08/2016 07:49

Something will happen or be said that will get on my wick.

Just go and grit your teeth. You don't have to enjoy it. It's not a holiday.

JudyCoolibar · 01/08/2016 07:52

Something getting on your wick is hardly the most dreadful thing to cope with, is it?

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 01/08/2016 07:53

Funerals are for the living.

He is your husband and father of your children. GO.

As to work, they would cope if you were ill ..

BoaConstrictor · 01/08/2016 08:05

DH and I have only been to one family funeral together. For the other three we have had since we have been together, only the blood relative has attended. We both live a long way from family, have young children and jobs where you can't take time off at short notice. Close family members have understood this, possibly because we have spent a lot of time with the relatives concerned in the months before their deaths. Both of us have been asked "where is DH/DW? Are things OK between you?" with a head tilt & concerned look by more extended family members. I would have preferred DH to be at the funerals with me but I was with my wider family and they were mourning
the person along with me and we spent the wake reminiscing etc.
Having said all of that, in this situation OP, I think you have to go. How are you going to manage it though? You say you have moved your day off...surely you're not going to do Truro to Newcastle and back in a day? Even flying from Exeter that would be tricky as the flight times probably aren't suitable.

happypoobum · 01/08/2016 08:38

I didn't go to XH grans funeral. I couldn't get the day off work.

Husbands grandmothers don't come under "close relatives" so I couldn't get compassionate leave and wasn't allowed holiday.

If you didn't want to go you should have just said you couldn't get the day off - too late now. I wouldn't appreciate the emotional blackmail either. Does he back you up when his family start on you?

contrary13 · 01/08/2016 09:00

My DD was 14 months old when my Grandfather died, and we lived almost 500 miles away from him. Plus, at the time, I didn't drive. My XP (who did drive) refused point blank to attend the funeral, said that he'd only met "the man" a couple of times (which was true, but when they did meet, they seemed to get on brilliantly, and XP never had a bad thing to say about him), and announced that DD and I would have to drive up with my parents... whom I don't have a particularly great relationship with at the best of times.

I was the only family member there, without the support of a partner. And yes; I had DD to occupy me during the 3 days we ended up stopping (with my Grandmother, who was not only grieving, but furiously angry - and didn't care who knew it - with her daughter, my mother, at the time, for not having been there when my Grandfather died - which he did suddenly and, like your DH's Gran, in his sleep - so particularly awful and very awkward), but I felt so alone. I and my older brothers were very close to my Grandfather, and spent a lot of time with him whilst we were growing up... and, actually, he intuited that I was pregnant with DD before I even thought it a possibility... but they had their other halves there to support them in their grief, my parents had each other, my Grandmother had everyone's support, and I had... a 14 month old toddler who didn't understand what was going on. She was ridiculously good during the service and afterwards, but I do regret that she was there, in one way. Funerals aren't places for young toddlers. But XP refused to look after her, by himself, so... I was stuck. And now, years later, when my family say "oh, wasn't this bit of your grandfather's funeral so touching...?", or "wasn't it brilliant how supported we all were?", I'm left thinking - nearly 19 years later, mind - "I have no idea, because I was more focused on my DD" and "I wasn't supported in the least bit, thanks!".

If you can get someone to look after your DS, OP, during the funeral service at least, then... my advice would be to do so. But support your DH. Funerals are lonely places.