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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not go to funeral

97 replies

Pixienott0005 · 31/07/2016 18:27

I know how this is going to sound to some but I still need advice all the same so here goes:

DH gran died 2 weeks ago and her funeral is next Tuesday. She was 91 just died in her sleep. I met her a few times and she was a lovely lady. It's a sad loss and I've been supportive to my husband who is really upset over it.

It's a busy time at the office and that week I am needed for some high level support while our a Finance Director is on leave. I've swapped my day off to be able to attend the funeral but it wasn't easy because that day I am needed to go to a meeting and I really should be there but never mind. It can't be reschedule either.

The funeral is in Newcastle and I'm in Truro so it is a bit of a treck. I do not get on well with DH family and I am dreading having to spend a night with some of them and then the actual day of the funeral. There's always tension between us and something always occurs whether it be a snide remark regarding DS (they think they are the highlight of his life) or some condescending comment or other.

Also my DH wants to take our son who is just 1 to the funeral which I think will be a nightmare. I mean why would he need to go?

Would I be unreasonable to not got and keep DS here, or say DS can go and I stay here alone.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 01/08/2016 09:07

If you don't get on with your inlaws now, they're really not going to think much of you if you don't go to the funeral. I thought dh's grandma was a miserable old grotbag, but DH adored her and I went to support him.

FWIW, there were 5 or 6 great grandchildren at that funeral, age 2 to 1 month. Afterwards, FiL and his sister both individually said that it was the sight and sound of the little ones that got them through an awful day.

itsmine · 01/08/2016 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

davos · 01/08/2016 09:19

How much support will a grown man need at the loss of a 91 gp?

sorry but what a pile of rubbish. Death can be something awful.

In the last few years I have lost people of very different ages. One a parent to a 10 year old. They were all awful in their own way.

I didn't love my grandad less because he was nearly 90.

It's a ridiculous statement.

Lweji · 01/08/2016 09:27

Ignore everything else.
Does your husband want you to go?
Does he need you there?
Will he be hurt if you don't?
Is he supportive with you?
Would you want him with you in similar circumstances?

This is the type of thing where you show you're a partner or not. Your decision here could affect the rest of your relationship.
Your decision.

Fourarmsv2 · 01/08/2016 09:29

Can you fly up?

Lweji · 01/08/2016 09:29

Btw, where I live we get 2 days for grandparents, ours or partner's.

justnotaballetmum · 01/08/2016 09:31

I've no issue with babies at funerals at all: my concern here is the distance. It's sad when someone dies, but she was very elderly. On balance I'd say YANBU but if it's going to lead to your husband getting difficult I'd go :)

itsmine · 01/08/2016 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 01/08/2016 09:33

Shouldn't he be the judge of whether he needs his partner there or not?

TheNaze73 · 01/08/2016 09:34

There is no right or wrong here OP. You do what is right for you

justnotaballetmum · 01/08/2016 09:34

I knew what you meant, itsmine

I guess if you come from a long lived family it might be different, if you haven't encountered death much before, but someone of that age it can't be totally unexpected even if it is sudden, if you follow me.

davos · 01/08/2016 09:41

the fact other rels will be there imo would suggest he doesn't need his dp there too.

Still ridiculous. That's not for your to decide.

PurpleDaisies · 01/08/2016 09:48

A 91 yr old is different, it is sad not tragic. Of course you still love them when they're 90 confused, but taking into account the distance, the 1yr old and the fact other rels will be there imo would suggest he doesn't need his dp there too.

So you're the grief police-telling people how to feel about the death of their relative?

The fact that other relatives will be there is totally irrelevant. He's obviously really upset. He wants his wife to go with him. She can get the day off but didn't want to go because his family irritate her. I'm glad she changed the mind and is now going.

Sirzy · 01/08/2016 09:51

There is no right or wrong here OP. You do what is right for you

No, you do what is right for your grieving partner

Sirzy · 01/08/2016 09:52

Also, I wonder what age it stops being acceptable to grieve a death then?

contrary13 · 01/08/2016 10:00

Itsmine

Speaking from personal experience... I was surrounded by my entire maternal side of the extended family at my Grandfather's funeral. My DD was there, my brothers were there, my parents were there, my nephew was there, my SIL's, aunts, uncles and cousins were there, my Granddad's remaining siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins were there... but I still needed the support of my XP. As I said, funerals are lonely places - especially if everyone else is being supported by someone who can be entirely focused upon them/their grief... and you're not.

Grumpysfirstwife · 01/08/2016 10:09

It's a difficult one that really only you can decide.

If you really don't want to go then don't go. You have plenty of reasons not to go (work and baby are just as valid a reason as anything else). Your partner will of course be upset but generally at funerals you are comforted most by those who are closely related to the deceased and not necessarily your partner who barely knows the deceased and has possibly met them briefly once or twice.

The funerals of my DH family have always left me sat on the outside not able to appreciate the stories or jokes told about the person. Usually sat on my own with my children reading mn on my phone because no one else's partner ever goes and I just feel like a spare part taken along just in case.

My work would not allow me time off for a partners grandparents funeral in any case. They only allow for parents or siblings so my decision would be based on my work policy anyway.

You need to decide what's best for you and your baby. Does your partner have enough family support if he goes alone? Will you be of any help if you go with him?

itsmine · 01/08/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsmine · 01/08/2016 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummaaaaaah · 01/08/2016 11:44

you really should go, for DH's sake. My DN died a couple of months ago and I would have been devasted if DH hadn't come with me.

I would leave the baby with your family if you can though.

JacquesHammer · 01/08/2016 12:20

Whether you would or not is kind of a moot point though itsmine as the OP's DH clearly wants the OP to go with him as support.

This shouldn't be about anything else other than what your DH needs right now.

Smurfnoff · 01/08/2016 19:12

Itsmine - My grandparents were all nearly 90 when they died and trust me, I needed support. Who wouldn't?

itsmine · 01/08/2016 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 01/08/2016 19:37

Is there something wrong with you OP?

It isn't about how it looks to a bunch of strangers, or even your in laws. It's about how dismissive you are of something so important to your DH. I mean, fucking hell, it isn't about you or whether someone might annoy you.

GoblinLittleOwl · 01/08/2016 19:44

What would your husband want you to do?

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